Fire Maidens from Outer Space

My one memory of this appalling movie is of the spaceship's captain extinguishing his cigarette to announce "gentlemen, it's time for us to synchronise our LONGINES watches with the LONGINES master clock." At which point, the screen is filled with a shot of a very large, very ordinary looking wall clock with a prominent LONGINES logo on its dial. The camera lingers....and lingers....meanwhile, the viewer makes a mental note "must buy Omega next time."

FIRE MAIDENS FROM OUTER SPACE concerns the British / US "Expedition 13" to an apparent thirteenth moon of Jupiter. Once the stock footage V-2 rocket takes off, the adventure begins.

After a meteor shower, the crew zips right along, having plenty of time for shaving and smoking cigarettes, before arriving in the vicinity of Jupiter. The whole trip seems to have taken about fifteen minutes (Earth time). Untold horrors await as they land on the mysterious satellite.

But first, more cigarettes, please!

Thankfully, this orb is exactly like Earth, complete with grassy plains and trees! Can the titular maidens be far off? Nope. Ugly mutants too! The order of the day: Shoot first, and let lust be your guide.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, "ground control" sits around in what looks like a public restroom with a desk in it.

FIRE MAIDENS is an utterly absurd, sci-fi cheeeze-log from those fabulous fifties. As expected, it's all about the beautiful maidens, who just happen to be serving wenches, as well as synchronized dancers! Alas, the rest of this film is so criminally dull, as to cause our souls to wither and die.

Bring on the mutants! Kill the boring earthlings! Kill! Kill! Then, have a cigarette...

Most of us go into these low-budget, no-name, 1950's sci-fi things with similar expectations: it's going to be lame, but good for some unintentional laughs. 'Fire Maidens' maintains that mediocre standard proudly. (It was apparently funded by Big Tobacco, because most of the earthlings are constantly lighting up, and a Chesterfield pack shows clearly in one scene. ) Less prominent is any evidence of realistic dialogue or acting talent, especially among the titular characters. However, they are adept at wearing flimsy clothing and dancing to the tune of "Stranger in Paradise", which somehow found its way to the 13th moon of Jupiter. Meanwhile, back on Earth, the staff at 'mission control' is a hoot--in all their scenes, they're standing in exactly the same places around a desk, like mannequins, although at times one may light a cigarette. The script-as well as Jupiter's sunlight, breathable air, posh habitats, and conveniently-English-speaking fire maidens- are every 1950's adolescent boy's outer-space fantasy. While it IS hokey, it's still kind of sad that most audiences today require nonstop conflict, combat, darkness, gore and mayhem in order to be entertained. Progress? Maybe a trip back to a simpler time isn't so bad.

Somebody else mentioned the shocking level of product placement for Longines watches (and we thought that placement was new in the movie "2001"). What nobody else here has touched on is that dreadful loooooonnnnngggg scene in the observatory in England near the start of the movie where the secretary spends about 20 minutes (well, almost) just walking down the long stairs to bring a report to the chief astronomer, and then spends almost as long going back up (including opening and shutting the safety gate on the stairs...) Yes, truly a movie in which the concept of editing was only a slogan!

The rest of the comments above by previous commentators say it all, but I must point out that in the early days of analogue ship controls, all piloting functions appear to be digital, carried out by switching the positions of just two levers (in binary sequence?) to do everything - take off, land, dodge meteors, change course, etc... Even better, when the crew report in after quite a long flight, we cut back to the control centre on Earth, and yes, nobody has moved from their pre-launch positions! (Were their shoes nailed to the floor?)

In Britain, we don't get to see MST3K, so I watched this as a late-night stinker, and loved it. I shared the movie with friends on tape, and still feel that it's amongst the funniest B movies I have ever seen, right down there with Plan 9, and without the excuse that it was made by Ed Wood Jr!

This movie was shown repeatedly on TV between 1957 and the early 60s. Anyone who saw it in the 50s remembers the soundtrack and the hot Fire Maidens! It was a silly low-tech movie, yes, but it was no worse than any other implausible sci-fi flick of that pre-spaceflight era. This movie is what it is, and what it is, is a pleasurable escapist marshmallow. See it if you can - you'll get a few laughs out of it.