Citations

The Beverly Hillbillies

Jethro: [Jed and Jehtro are discussing a "fast" girl back in the hills] Uncle Jed, she handed me a big old sugar cookie, looked at me and said, "Jehtro, if you had a choice between that cookie and me, which one would you take". Uncle Jed, that's when I found out just how fast she was!
[Jed leans in close to hear the rest of the story]
Jethro: I had to run nearly a mile to get away from her with that cookie!
Jed Clampett: [Disgusted] Jethro, some day me and you got to have a long talk.

Jane Hathaway: Now, Chief, in all fairness to the employees, you do not display much holiday spirit.
Milburn Drysdale: What do they want from me? I gave them half a day off on Christmas!

Granny: How do you like yer possum, Lowell, fallin' off the bones tender or with a little fight left in it?
Lowell Redlings Farquhar: [looking slightly nauseated] I'm really not hungry.

Lafe Crick: Now, no more a' this chasin' after other girls. Can't no boy love TWO girls.
Jethro: Well, that leaves out Essie Belle. She's about two girls and a HALF!

Milburn Drysdale: [dictating a letter to Miss Jane] ... and furthermore, if you are late on your mortgage payment one more time you will be thrown out into the street...
Jane Hathaway: Chief, she's eighty-five years old and in a wheelchair!
Milburn Drysdale: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know... change that to read, you will be wheeled out into the street.

Jed Clampett: Boy, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to clean up all this mess.
Jethro: Aw come on, Uncle Jed. I'm gonna clean up. I'm gonna set this world on fire!
Jed Clampett: You're gonna clean up alright. Everything. Or you're gonna end up with the seat of your britches on fire.

Widow Fenwick: [buxom elderly millionaress who wants Jed to come in with her as a business partner on a real estate development venture she calls Honeymoon Lane] I need a partner who will come into Honeymoon Lane with me. I have the license, and I have the heavy equipment.
Jed Clampett: Well, ma'am, them's the kinda things a man likes to find out fer himself.

Jane Hathaway: Most places do something for their employees at this time of year.
Milburn Drysdale: Well, I've given them Christmas Day off.
Jane Hathaway: Chief, most banks even give a holiday bonus.
Milburn Drysdale: I've already thought of that.
Jane Hathaway: You have?
Milburn Drysdale: Just this morning I said to myself, 'Milburn, you've got to give those loyal employees of yours a Christmas bonus.'
Jane Hathaway: But, Chief, that's extraordinary!
Milburn Drysdale: I thought so, too. Fortunately, a cold shower brought me to my senses.

Jed Clampett: [bounces a golf ball on the kitchen table, thinking it's a "golf egg"] Strictly speakin', I don't think these are fresh laid.

Milburn Drysdale: Miss Hathaway, are you responsible for the employees of this bank referring to me as Ebeneezer Scrooge?
Jane Hathaway: No, why do you ask?
Milburn Drysdale: When I came through the lobby just now they all chanted in unison 'Here come da Scrooge! Here come da Scrooge!

Jed Clampett: [Jethro has decided that he'd like to become a Bullfighter, and has asked Jed if they can get a bull, so he can practice. Jed presents the idea to Granny] Granny, I got a idea. Let's get us a bull.
Granny: What?
Jed Clampett: Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue.
Granny: But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it!
Jed Clampett: Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull.
Granny: Ain'tcha afraid he'll git hurt?
Jed Clampett: Nahh. A good stout bull can take care o' hisself.
Granny: Well, if there's one thing Jethro'd like better than fightin' it, it'd be eatin' it!
Jed Clampett: This way, he can do both!

Female Bank Robber Masquerading As "Doublenaught Spy" Recruiter: We'll never find another... BRAIN... like his!
Male Bank Robber Also Masquerading: He's a double-zero if I ever saw one.

Jed Clampett: [to an obviously revolted Mr. Drysdale] That's the thing about salted down possum, it's just as good the second day.

Jane Hathaway: When the other little kids played hide and seek, Little Milby started his first business.
Milburn Drysdale: Every kid had a lemonade stand.
Jane Hathaway: He opened a pawn shop!

Jane Hathaway: If you would only display a little generosity: a Christmas bonus, a few gifts!
Milburn Drysdale: I refuse to commercialize Christmas just to kowtow to my pampered employees.

Granny: [to Jethro] When you was 6 years old, your idea of mustard plaster was somthin' you put on a hot dog.

Dub Crick: [to his equally shiftless father Lafe Crick] I knew you'd be proud a' me... it's the most I ever stole.

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