Texas Across the River

Dean Martin, Alain Delon, Joey Bishop, and Rosemary Forsyth star in "Texas Across the River" from 1966. This is a funny movie, full of slapstick, political incorrectness, and funny bits, and it also goes to show you how badly Alain Delon's career in the U.S. was mishandled. He made two westerns while in the U.S. - not exactly geared to females. Don't ask what Hollywood was thinking.

The beautiful debutante Phoebe Ann Naylor (Forsyth) is preparing for her wedding to Don Andrea de Baldasar, El Duce de la Casala (Delon) who awaits her in full regalia, including a sword. I will venture to say that for five years after Delon left the U.S. there was no tan makeup to be found in all of Los Angeles - he was soaked in it, as he was in The Yellow Rolls-Royce.

After a duel, Don Andrea's opponent falls out a window and Don Andrea is charged with murder. He escapes and heads for Texas, where he meets Sam Hollis (Martin) and his sidekick, Kronk (Bishop). Don Andrea rescues an Indian woman, Lonetta, tames cattle, and competes with Sam when Phoebe shows up.

The film, directed by Michael Gordon, was done tongue in cheek. Delon is a riot as a formal Spaniard not at home on the range. It's perfect for Martin and Bishop, as the script fit their style of humor perfectly. It's silly but sometimes you need silly. People who saw this film when it came out have fond memories of it.

Don Andre de Baldasare was set to marry Pheobe Ann Naylor of Louisiana; after an affair of honor goes wrong, he has to flee across the river, into the wilds of Texas. Once arrived, he meets encounters Sam Hollis and his Indian sidekick, the Karonkawa Indian, Kronk, who are transporting rifles to the town of Moccasin Flats. Don Andrea rescues an Indian maiden, Lonetta, uses Spanish skills to tame longhorns, becomes Sam's rival for Phoebe's affections, heads off a band of angry Comahces and runs continually from the cavalry (who have come to Moccasin Flats to celebrate Texas' statehood but mostly charge after him in gallant groups). At the end of the film, the man Sam calls "Baldy" saves the town and also gets his girl--but which one wins him? In this cheerful and frequently hilarious screenplay, Alain Delon is very funny and understated as Don Baldasare, Dean Martin is a bit too-old as Sam Hollis perhaps but shows his excellent comedic timing in the likable role. Rosemary Forsyth is vivacious and very pretty as Phoebe Ann, Southern accent and all; Peter Graves and Andrew Prince lead the cavalry, to whom Graves continually issues orders such as "To the rur, har!" which no one understands any more than they can penetrate Kronk's Indian sayings, delivered deadpan and rather beautifully by Joey Bishop. Others in the large cast include Tina Aumont as the Indian girl, Michael Ansara as the Indian chief pursuing them, and Linden Chiles as his physically- inept son, Stuart Anderson, Roy Barcroft, George Wallace, Don Beddoe,.Kelly Thordsen, Nora Marlowe, and John Harmon. Director Michael Gordon kept the action and the laughs coming despite much of the film being filmed out-of-doors. the bright cinematography was supplied by veteran Russell Metty, the script by "Maverick" TV series alumnus Wells Root and Harold Greene, and the art direction was done by William D. DeCinces and Alexander Golitzen. Set decorations were supplied by John McCarthy Jr. and  James Redd; the vivid costume designs were created by Helen Colvig and Rosemary Odell. This is a personal favorite of mine as a writer, breezy in dialogue and attractively colorful and often amusing. I recommend it for repeated viewing, for its spaciousness and its intelligent comedy, its style and its infectious and fantasy-free good humor.

You need to park your brains at the door, put your tongue in your cheek and fully engage your funny bone for this film. This spoof is just that a spoof on everything that you find in a typical western and Texan. There is cows, oil, calvary, natives (I seriously doubt if there is a genuine North American native in the cast), good and bad guys and girls (mostly erring toward the good side). Nobody and nothing is spared from the writers' wit. This film is just good fun and a good laugh. I seriously doubt if it would meet any of the more modern standards for tolerance to racial groups and consideration for their feelings but this was the 60's and things were just beginning to change. Watch and enjoy whenever you see it coming. Do expect too much and you'll enjoy it more.

I have always been a fan of Alain Delon and preferred Dean Martin to the rest of the Rat Pack, so when TEXAS ACROSS THE RIVER came on a nearby theater in the early 70s, I dared not to miss it, and there I was for the first night. And a good decision that was, because at the very end of the last reel, the projector caught alight, the theater closed for a couple of nights, and TEXAS ACROSS THE RIVER never showed there again!

Delon is at the peak of his physical condition and good looks, and he seems thoroughly to enjoy the part (his exchange of clothes with a passing rider and his bullfight scene are high points, even if his double in the latter clearly looks nothing like Delon - but somehow it just adds to the enjoyment of TEXAS taking nothing seriously); a peaking Martin weighs in with a wry and cynical sense of humor, and his amorous pursuit of Forsyth from a delusional state of mind, and a wound caused by an Indian arrow, is a gem; Joey Bishop is superb, whether is deadpan, ratting on Delon, displaying "Kronk" emotions -- or doing a rain dance, one of the movie's funniest moments.

Peter Graves is a hoot with his outlandish commands to his clumsy military force (the scene where he goes past a swarm of Indians on the warpath and does not even see them because he is so intent on catching Delon is another belly laugh); the Indian chief's exchanges with his constantly blundering son, while the rest of the tribe's elders look on knowingly, are sublime; and the witchdoctor is a riot, even if his presence in the film hardly totals 1 minute.

And, last but by no means least, the two beatiful women, Forsyth and Marquand: Forsyth, who starts the film looking purity itself in her white wedding dress, turns out to be a cheat at the slightest opportunity. Marquand, the Indian sqwaw, is about to be sacrificed by her tribe for the alleged commission of some illegality, but she is the purest, even if she is not above a good punch up with Forsyth.

This film perfectly captures the spirit of the West in the humorous, positive and deconstructionist 1960s. Some have criticized the fact that the Indians are made to look dumb, but so do the Union troopers, Martin, Delon, et al. Everybody has a turn looking dumb. In fact, the two most sensible characters are played by Bishop and Marquand - both Indians.

Direction is splendid in the humorous sequences, otherwise nothing memorable. Cinematography has its ups and downs - beautiful color, but some amateurish day for night, and clearly visible background cutouts.

Thankfully, I was able to buy a VHS copy, then a DVD copy, and I must have watched TEXAS ACROSS THE RIVER some 7 times by now: always enjoyed it, as did my kids, who remember it fondly.

I'm not a big fan of most Western movies but I do enjoy comedy and as this was a comedy Western I found myself enjoying it.

As with most comedy movies, I am reluctant to give details about any of the scenes because if I were to tell you now then you wouldn't find them funny once you watch the film.Let's just say that Dean Martin (as Sam Hollis) and Joey Bishop (as Kronk) make quite a team. In fact everyone involved in the movie provides plenty of laughs. Everyone is playing a total buffoon.

If you don't like Westerns but do enjoy comedies then I strongly recommend this movie.