Lady Cocoa

Of all the crappy blaxploitation films I've seen in my day, this is definitely one of them. Talk about poor film making, Lady Cocoa looks like it was shot by a bunch of high school kids.

Here's a short list of things that make this movie suck:

1. The screen changes colors repeatedly, probably from leaving the film cans sitting out in the sun or something. It reminds me of something shot in the early 1900's. One second everything will be completely purple, the next it will be green, followed by orange, then black and white. Even when the color is correct (which isn't often) the characters look totally illuminated, making the entire room glow. This is the first film I've ever seen that was physically painful to watch.

2. The sound is awful. There is a high pitched squeal the entire movie. I tried the disc on two DVD players and two TV's and it was still there. The boom mic gets smacked around a lot to, usually making more noise than it actually records. Thankfully, it saves you from having to hear the awful dialogue, or in the case of Mean Joe, lack there of.

3. The story lags and lags and lags. There is absolutely no action in this movie until the 73rd minute, much like Matt Cimber's previous work, The Black Six. Up until then, I was under the impression this was some type of romantic comedy.

4. Every thing in Lady Cocoa is completely illogical. Especially the ending. I supposed I should be grateful this one at least had an ending (director's previous movie just turned off after awhile).

SUMMARY: Sucks.

Oh how I wanted to like this movie.

It has all the ingredients to be great. Charismatic lead actress, cool name, main theme tune. A good set up for lots of action.

We could have had another Foxy Brown here with Lady Cocoa.

But alas, it was not to be.

Because Lady Cocoa herself is such an insufferable, awful, loud-mouthed know-it-all that within 30 minutes I was wishing she'd just get shot already.

Rarely have I seen such an unlikeable main character in a Blaxploitation movie.

Lola Falana has the acting chops and charm to be an excellent lead. But the script writers confused arrogance for confidence, quoting philosophy like it's scripture for intelligence, and a nasty mean-streak a mile wide for charm.

No wonder we never got a Lady Cocoa sequel. No one in the entire world would ever want to see this awful character ever again.

I grew up during the '70's and love the movies made during that decade, and Lady Cocoa is at the top of the list. I'm not sure if I enjoyed them as much then as I do now, because in the present I'm looking back wistfully in time, through a hazy mirror that somewhat distorts the images. Lady Cocoa also has constant background noise and the sound of wind even when the action is inside in the casino where she spends her night of freedom. The film has too much indoor lighting and not enough outdoor lighting. For me, that's perfect. Can you really expect to look at the past and expect to see it perfectly clear? Would you want to? If only police shows today could be so tame. Lady Cocoa speaks her mind and sometimes she speaks it in a way that would make a tough guy from the '70's blush. But, deep down, she's a good girl whose naive. She's gone to jail to protect her boyfriend, but now, in exchange for turning state's evidence against the man she loves, she get's a day of freedom. What? 24 hours in a Lake Tahoe casino (Where The King's Castle was located) is compensation for 1 and ½ years in prison for committing essentially no crime? Ask yourself why she would do this as you watch this film.

There is no wonder that Lola Fallana later made a fortune in Las Vegas; she is constant energy and she acts with passion. She is undoubtedly the star of the show, but the performance by Alex Dreier, as Lieutenant Ramsey Miller is a very good one. Dreier's distinctive voice was, certainly, one of his greater assets as a performer. Fallana's co-star, Gene Washington, is, in the beginning, a bit wooden with his performance but loosens up as the movie progresses. "Mean" Joe Greene is, indeed, mean in "Lady Cocoa" as he stalks her, but he and his sidekick had no trouble memorizing their lines: there were none.

Lady Cocoa is a film worth watching. It moves, though slowly, towards a surprise ending, yet the rate of progression towards the conclusion is both entertaining and captivating. And, most important for this viewer, it takes you back to how we once were...and how a lot of films really looked in those days!

The only redeeming element of "Lady Cocoa" is Lola Falana, playing the title character: she is beautiful, sexy and has a wonderful smile. Other than her, the film is a bargain-basement production with a totally static plot - for more than an hour, the story is confined into one hotel. And don't think this works in favor of any suspense, either; the fact that the two hit men who are on the heroes' trail never utter a single word might have been intended to make them look unique, but their actions only make them look inept and ineffective. Things are made even worse by the worn print, scratchy sound and often inaudible dialogue of the DVD version that Brentwood came up with: a pure disgrace. (*)

LADY COCOA is an unheard-of blaxploitation movie from cult director Matt Cimber. This is a film made with no budget and no talent which makes it a real test of the will just to sit through. The story is about a tough femme fatale who agrees to testify against her ex-boyfriend, a leading mobster, in court. She's subsequently put under a witness protection scheme while a bunch of hit men turn up and attempt to whack her.

It's not a bad premise as premises go but the execution is really lousy here. The whole first hour is set in a single hotel room while the viewer is subjected to the main character incessantly whining and complaining about everything in sight. Lola Falana is no Pam Grier, that's for sure, and her whiny performance becomes grating about five minutes in. She gets way too much screen time and has such a dreadful character that you'll be hoping the bad guys do succeed in wiping her out.

Later on, things finally do leave the confines of the hotel and there's a little low rent action, but it's not especially interesting. The supporting cast are a bit better than the lead, especially the old timers, but Cimber's direction is awful and static, leading to a lifeless viewing experience. His subsequent horror movie THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA was a little better, but only just.