- Stanley: Jesus, how horny can you get?
- Eugene: I don't know. What's the highest score?
- Kate: What would you tell your father if he came home and I was dead on the kitchen floor?
- Eugene: "Don't go in the kitchen, Pa"?
- Kate: I need bread.
- Eugene: What?
- Kate: I don't have enough bread. Run over to Greenblatt's and get me a fresh rye bread.
- Eugene: Again? I just came back from Grennblatt's.
- Kate: So You'll go again.
- Eugene: I'm always going to the store. When I grow up, that's all I'll be trained to do, go to the store.
- Kate: You don't want to go?... Never mind, I'll go.
- Eugene: Don't do that! Don't make me feel guilty. I'll go.
- Kate: And get a quarter of a pound of butter.
- Eugene: I bought a quarter pound of butter this morning. Why don't you buy a half pound at a time?
- Kate: And suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an extra quarter pound of butter?
- Eugene: [to the audience] If my mom taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country.
- Eugene: I think I'm in love with her.
- Stanley: Well forget it, she's your cousin!
- Eugene: What's wrong with being in love with your cousin?
- Stanley: Because it's against the laws of nature! You can't marry your first cousin, you'll get babies with nine heads!
- Eugene: Stanley, how do girls... do it?
- Stanley: Eugene, I'm dealing with a major problem in my life right now. I don't have time to describe girls masturbating for you!
- Eugene: Just draw me a picture, I brought a pencil. You want crayons? Maybe you should do it in color.
- [while watching his neighbor undress, Eugene notices a boy from the building across holding binoculars]
- Eugene: That dirty little pig! He's watching Nora getting undressed... I wonder if he'd let me come over.
- Eugene: Don't hate me for what I'm going to say.
- Stanley: What is it?
- Eugene: I think Aunt Blanche has a great ass.
- Stanley: They're gonna lock you up in a sex asylum. If I was your sister I wouldn't sleep on the same block as you!
- [Eugene is watching his neighbor undress through a mini telescope]
- Stanley: What are you doing?
- Eugene: Astronomy. I have to bring in a report tomorrow.
- Stanley: Let me know when she gets to the Milky Way.
- Stanley: I got fired today!
- Eugene: Fired? You mean for good?
- Stanley: You don't get fired temporarily. It's a permanent lifetime firing.
- Eugene: It was a tense moment for everybody. I love tense moments. Especially when I'm not the one they're all tense about.
- [Eugene has just seen his first picture of a nude woman]
- Eugene: I have seen the Golden Palace of the Himalayas. Puberty is over! Onward and upward!
- Eugene: What if they took a shower together - Aunt Blanche and Nora? If I could walk in and see that I'd thank God and become a rabbi.
- [Eugene is explaining his intense desire to play for the Yankees]
- Eugene: I'll never make it with the Yankees. All the great Yankees are Italian. My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup - what chance do I have?
- Eugene: She saw me on the crapper! Nora saw me on the crapper! I might as well be dead!
- Kate: Did you hear what I said?
- Eugene: Yes, I heard!
- [under his breath]
- Eugene: If I cut my ears off I'd still be able to hear her through my nose.
- Eugene: Liver and cabbage - the Jewish mediaeval torture! My friend Marty Gregori, an A student in Science, told me that cooked cabbage can be smelled farther than sound travelling for seven minutes.
- Eugene: [the saga of the liver and cabbage continues] The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife... which is more than I can say for the liver.
- Eugene: I wanted to cut my wrists but the liver had worn down the knives.
- Eugene: [after spitting out the liver] I think I have a bone in my throat.
- Kate: There are no bones in liver!
- [Eugene is spying on a neighbor woman undressing when his cousin Laurie knocks on the door]
- Laurie: Eugene, your father wants you to go to the store to get ice cream.
- Eugene: Tell him I'm busy... ice cream? Wait a minute, I'll be right there.
- Kate: How many times have I told you not to leave your things around the house?
- Eugene: A hundred and nine.
- Blanche: Do you know how hard it is today for a girl to get a good job without a high school diploma? Tell her, Kate.
- Kate: It's very hard.
- Eugene: You never told me? What was she like? Was she pretty? How old was she?
- Stanley: Don't start in with me Eugene. Every time I get in trouble, I have to tell you what a naked girl looks like? Do me a favor; go in the bathroom, whack off and grow up by yourself!
- Jack: [after not getting the family's radio to work] Who's been touching the radio?
- [shoots a glare at an innocent Eugene]
- Jack: Eugene! It's about Poland, damn it! I don't want anyone touching this radio when I'm not home. Is that clear?
- Eugene: Guess who's gonna get blamed for the war in Europe!
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