- Adam: Oh, my lucky stars! A Negro!
- Eve: Now hold on, hold on just a minute! In the first place I do not fall in love with weirdos who I've only known for four or five days!
- Troy: Yes you do.
- Eve: And I don't fall in love with grown men who collect baseball cards!
- Troy: Yes you do.
- Eve: Or pee in their pants when they see the ocean!
- Troy: Yes you do.
- Eve: Or have perfect table manners!
- Troy: You know, I asked him about that. He said, good manners are just a way of showing other people we have respect for them. See, I didn't know that, I thought it was just a way of acting all superior. Oh and you know what else he told me?
- Eve: What?
- Troy: He thinks I'm a gentleman and you're a lady.
- Eve: [disgusted] Well, consider the source! I don't even know what a lady is.
- Troy: I know, I mean I thought a "gentleman" was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible.
- Eve: Where do you think he got all that information?
- Troy: From the oddest place - his parents. I mean, I don't think I got that memo from mine.
- Adam: Manners are a way of showing other people we care about them.
- Eve: Here ya go, one champagne cocktail.
- Adam: Oh, thank you.
- Eve: I thought only hookers drank those things?
- Adam: Well, I know Mom sure likes 'em.
- Troy: Eve, a man walks into your life, who's the kindest, most polite, most incredibly rich guy you've ever met...
- Eve: And I have him committed.
- Troy: Yes. Yes you did.
- Eve: Well, at least I fell for him before I knew he was rich. That's new.
- Troy: I love sushi.
- Adam: I love Lucy.
- Troy: Who doesn't? She's hilarious.
- Eve: What kind of wife are you looking for?
- Adam: Oh um, well... one who's not a mutant.
- Eve: [laughs] No dogs, huh. OK. Cool.
- Adam: And if it's possible, I'd like to marry someone from Pasadena.
- Eve: [laughs] Um, when do you need her by?
- Adam: Two weeks?
- Eve: Well, I can probably get you laid in two weeks, but to locate a non-mutant wife from Pasadena takes some time.
- Adam: That's what I was afraid of.
- Adam: Uh, Eve, this is Adam. Look, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. And I wanted to tell you that I... that, uh... that I wish so many good things for you. I wish so hard that all of your dreams come true, and... and that's all I... and that's all.
- Eve: What have you been doing?
- Adam: Watching television... in color.
- Eve: Whenever Adam gives me such obviously incorrect information. I just smile, slap him on the knee, and look out the window. Why spoil his dreams? They're such wonderful dreams.
- [Adam has bought rollerblades]
- Adam: Eve, can I skate around your block?
- Troy: [suggestively] How about it, Eve - can he *skate* around your block?
- Eve: No.
- Troy: Just a few laps.
- Adam: It won't take long.
- Eve: No.
- Adam: Say, mom?
- Helen: Yes, dear?
- Adam: I was wondering, you know, while I was up there and all, I was thinking, well, you know, I was wondering if maybe I could meet a girl? I've been thinking about that a little. Just these last fifteen years or so.
- Helen: Oh, Adam, it would be wonderful if you could meet a girl. One who's not a mutant and hopefully comes from Pasadena. Nothing against Valley girls but, in my day anyhow, girls from Pasadena, I don't know, just always seemed a little bit nicer.
- Eve: So for four thousand dollars, all I have to do is drive you to your hotel?
- Adam: Uh-huh!
- Eve: That's it?
- Adam: Yes.
- Eve: And I don't have to take a physical in your spaceship?
- Adam: I think I'm being chased by a psychiatrist.
- Soda Jerk: It happens.
- [Adam, Eve and Troy are at the club, looking for a girlfriend for Adam. Adam spots a lovely young woman]
- Adam: How about her?
- Eve: No way.
- Adam: No way? Why not? I, I think she's very attractive.
- Eve: Adam! She's got 'bitch' written all over her. You do know what 'bitch' means, don't you?
- Adam: [nodding] Well, well, yes, I do. I do have a dictionary. But I can't understand for the life of me why you would say that about her. Or why Cliff would say that about *you*!
- [Troy stifles a laugh; Eve glares at him and then at Adam]
- Adam: The sky!
- Child: I see it, mommy!
- Adam: I've never seen anything like it!
- [looks at little girl]
- Adam: Or like you!
- [Adam is rehearsing Troy's advice as he approaches a young woman whom Troy thinks looks "sweet."]
- Adam: Surprising, yet funny.
- [Adam recalls his father's silly joke]
- Adam: Well, I know a duck who bought some lip balm.
- Adam: [nods to himself] Lie.
- [he approaches Miss Sweet]
- Adam: Hi.
- [she looks him up and down, appraising, but replies disdainfully]
- Miss 'Sweet', at Club 40: Yes?
- Adam: I was wondering if you could help me? I, um...
- [she looks at him with definite disdain]
- Adam: ...seem to have lost my Congressional Medal of Honor around here... somewhere.
- Miss 'Sweet', at Club 40: [bursts into laughter] Now, that's a great one!
- Eve: Where are you parked?
- Adam: I came on a bus.
- Eve: Why does that not surprise me.
- Adam: I dunno. Why doesn't that sunrise you?
- Eve: Well, I guess because I'm a little psychic. I have this thing.
- Adam: Oh, that's nice.
- Eve: Yeah, let me guess something. This is your first visit to La-La-Land. You're staying somewhere in Hollywood because like an idiot you thought that would be an exciting place to stay. Am I right so far?
- Adam: So far?
- Eve: Yes, I'm right?
- Adam: Right.
- Eve: I knew it. So anyhow, you get on a bus and before you know it you're stuck in the San Fernando Valley without a clue, which brings us to here. Correct again?
- Adam: Again.
- Eve: Where are you staying? The Holiday Inn.
- Adam: Oh. Yes! Yes! The Holiday Inn. That's exactly right.
- Eve: See, I'm psychic. I mean not completely but pretty much. Pretty good, huh?
- Adam: No, that was amazing!
- Eve: Yeah I know. Thanks.
- Eve: Oh, you coward.
- Troy: Gentleman coward.
- Calvin: You have a wonderful sense of humor, son, I must say. The acorn does not fall far from the tree.
- Adam: [Adam is with his parents at the new house] Dad, I don't know how to tell you this. And I was going to wait a while, but I think... Dad, there was no bomb. A plane crashed into our backyard. I looked it up in old newspapers.
- Calvin: You're sure?
- Adam: Positive. The Soviet Union collapsed without a shot being fired. The Cold War is over.
- Calvin: That's what everybody believes?
- Adam: Yes, sir. It's true.
- Calvin: What? Did the Politburo just one day say, "We give up?"
- Adam: Yes. That's kind of how it was.
- Calvin: Uh-huh.
- Calvin: My gosh, those Commies are brilliant! You've got to hand it to 'em! "No, we didn't drop any bombs! Oh yes, our evil empire has collapsed! Poor, poor us!" I bet they've even asked the West for aid! Right?
- Adam: Uh, I think they have.
- Calvin: Hah! Those cagey rascals! Those sly dissemblers! Those, uh... They've finally pulled the wool over everybody's eyes!
- [the doors have unlocked, and Helen and Adam are thrilled; Calvin slightly less so]
- Adam: Do we just go on up?
- Calvin: No, son. Now is the time we must be at our most cautious. We wait for night.
- Helen: Oh, shit!
- [Helen, realizing Adam has heard her, immediately covers her mouth]
- Calvin: Helen Thomas Webber! Maybe we have been down here a little too long. Pardon her French, son.
- Adam: "Shit" is French?
- Calvin: [uncomfortably] Well, it's archaic French. It's a sixteenth-century colloquialism, meaning, roughly, good.
- Helen: Your father's right.
- Adam: Well. Shit!
- Calvin: Son. Adam.
- Adam: Yes, Father?
- Calvin: Don't forget: stay out of the adult bookstore.
- Adam: Adult bookstore. Why?
- Calvin: Poison gas. Invisible.
- Troy: Lying can be a very effective dating tool.
- Eve: [to Adam, about Troy] He's gay, by the way.
- Adam: [thinking she means that Troy is happy] Well, good for you!
- Eve: Have you ever had sex before?
- Adam: No.
- Eve: How is that possible?
- Adam: What do mean you can get me laid?
- Eve: Uh, can we talk about that a little later?
- Adam: Of course.
- Eve: Great.
- Troy: [pointing to Sophie's sizeable breast implants] So, Sophie, when you fly to Paris, do you check these or are they carry-on?
- Eve: I'm sick of working for that dickhead.
- Adam: What?
- Eve: You know, a walking penis capable of intelligent speech. A dickhead!
- Eve: And now I suppose he's trying to make those two dancers feel as comfortable as possible.
- Troy: No. He didn't go home with them.
- Eve: [Eve gives a happy look to Troy] ... Well.
- Troy: He went home with Sophie.
- Eve: [screams really loudly] No!
- Troy: Yep.
- Eve: No!
- Troy: She swept him out of the room, whispering little sweet French nothings into his ear.
- Eve: [Trying to get rid of Troy] You! Go to the bathroom!
- Troy: What, right *here*?
- [pause while Eve stares at him]
- Troy: Well, I thought I should check, you're being so bossy!
- Calvin: Would you like a tranquilizer?
- Helen: You have tranquilizers?
- Calvin: I told you, I have everything!
- [Calvin is reassuring his wife on their son's first night away from home]
- Calvin: I just want to say, I think he's going to be fine.
- Helen: Thank you, Calvin, thank you very much.
- Calvin: He's smart!
- Helen: Yes, dear, I know, but he's still such a baby.
- Calvin: He's a man.
- Helen: He's a baby man.
- Adam: [During his first visit back home] Mom, I think I'm being chased by a psychiatrist.
- Helen: Oh no!
- Calvin: That happens.
- Troy: Can I ask you some questions?
- [Adam nods]
- Troy: When did Alaska become a state?
- Adam: 1959.
- Troy: Okay, and who owned it before we did?
- Adam: Russia.
- Troy: And when did we get it from them?
- Adam: 1867. Seward's Folly. We purchased it for $7.2 million. Tidy sum then as well as now. I'm quoting my father, of course.
- Troy: All right, what's the state capital?
- Adam: Juneau.
- Troy: Hello? It's Anchorage! Gotcha!
- Adam: Mm-mm, sorry. That's the largest city.
- [Troy leaves the room]
- Adam: Where's he going?
- Eve: He's going to check your answers on his computer.
- Adam: He has a computer?
- Eve: Sure.
- Adam: In the house?
- Eve: No, actually, it's in the back yard. Of course it's in the house. It's in there.
- Eve: Rule number one in North America: no strangers in the car.
- Adam: Well, if it will make you feel any better, I don't have a gun.
- Eve: Oh, well, that changes everything.
- Helen: Oh, Calvin. I wish you'd at least let me do the dishes. It's not going to be that easy to get all that dried on food off my nice plates.
- Calvin: I just hope those plates are not radioactive by tomorrow!
- Eve: It's truly amazing what you can get done when you have unlimited funds. Do you know you can get a whole house built in a matter of months? All you have to say is this: "I don't care what it costs." And of course you have to really mean it, which no one ever does.
- Adam: Excuse me, but I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't take the Lord's name in vain again.
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