Carnal's Cuties

Porn performer and general hanger-on William Margold made his feature film directing debut with the terrible CARNAL'S CUTIES. It's been revived for undiscriminating fans on Vol. 148 of Something Weird's Dragon Art Theatre series.

I've given up pondering how Margold managed to fashion a 30 years-plus career in porn, bringing nothing to the table. He's not handsome, has no discernible talent of any kind, and like his frequent co-conspirator John Holmes, is incapable of achieving an erection. I suppose getting into the biz on the ground floor, before any standards had been established, was his trick, and crony-ism did the rest.

He unwisely cast himself in the leading role, stumbling in his poor delivery of his own dialog (including longueurs when he can't think of anything to say to the girls in even the simplest of exposition scenes). He's Col. Carnal, owner of a delivery service, employing 3 young beauties. Opening credits list their modes of transportation, plugging Schwinn, Vespa and "Volkswagon" (sic), last one misspelled. If this was product placement, someone at each of the firms should have been fired.

Inane script structure has the 3 gals visiting 3 clients, servicing them sexually, and returning to be reprimanded by Margold for humping on the job. Then he sends them back with a second delivery to exactly the same 3 customers, an obvious ploy to save money in casting more XXX talent.

Margold's sloppiness and incompetence is demonstrated after he voices over their character names at the outset: Thomasina, Diedre and Harriet. Giving her an assignment, he calls Thomasina "Connie" by mistake, and in fact "Harriet" turns out to be Hari for the duration. The only amusing moment for me over the course of an hour of footage was Margold "inventing" the Post-it (not on the market till a year later): carefully putting scotch tape on little notes describing deliveries, and sticking them up on a calendar board on his wall.

1-shot tall & busty actress "Dusty Darling" as Thomasina drives her VW van to give chemicals to a "scientist" (he has a typewriter as his equipment! -talk about low-budget props). She gives him a blow job and almost immediately he ejaculates on her face, aided by a hand job, too.

The wonderful, all-natural porn star Maria Tortuga (early in her career) is Hari, hopping on her bicycle (which she rides awkwardly) to deliver paper to Sylvia (blonde porn star Pat Manning), who seduces her for some lesbo action.

Another 1-shot Janet Sands gets an "introducing" credit as Diedre, riding her Vespa scooter to hand a script to movie star Sterling Silver (porn vet R.J. Reynolds). Sands deserved another shot at stardom under the tutelage of a real director: she's a cutie with beautiful breasts.

When they return, Margold takes out his wrath on Diedre, tying her up spread-eagled on his bed and forcing her to have sex. He cums on her face, though his dick remains flaccid throughout the scene.

The gals' return trip to their clients is more of the same, though Tortuga has a three-some when a doorman joins her and Manning, while Diedre is quite condescending to Reynolds. She takes a couple of tentative sucks at his cock, and eats a banana instead, huffily throwing the peel on his crotch and leaving. This pointless scene is typical Margold-filler: not amusing and making sense to him alone.

More to the point is the trio's torturing Margold for the finale. They tie him up to his bed, whip him and humiliate him by stuffing one of their red shorts (actually panties) as uniform in his mouth, and then tying a bow with another around his limp cock. Margold clearly gets off on this sort of nonsense, but it is just another audience insult in my book.

Film is poorly photographed and the sex scenes bear zero arousal value, other than a chance to see three attractive ladies. Musical score is terrible, mostly muzak plus a few recognizable tunes like a syrupy version of "From Russia with Love", Scott Joplin's ragtime "The Entertainer" popularized in THE STING, and an idiotic lullaby version of the Nazi-era hit "Lili Marleen".