- Tiger: Stella? Stella? Where are you going? Stella? STEEEELLLLLLAAAAAAA!
- Police Officer: Now you do realize that was a Depelter Turbo.
- Gladys: Officer, please. It was that Verminator! He sold it me! This has nothing to do with me!
- Police Officer: Hey, hey, it was in your yard, your name's on the contract, so you can tell it to the judge.
- Gladys: No! It's not my fault! Let go of me!
- Police Officer: Ma'am...
- Gladys: I can't be arrested! I'm the President of the Homeowners of Assoication!
- Dwayne: [quietly as she is fighting the police] Get her.
- [he climbs over a fence and accidently steps on a squeak toy]
- Nugent the Dog: Play.
- Dwayne: Oh, no, no, no, no, no...
- [there is a bite heard]
- Dwayne: AHHHHH!
- Ozzie: But this house is like a fortress. Walls, so high. Doors, impenetrable. How will we get in?
- RJ: The collar is the key.
- [Shows video on cell phone of Tiger entering door]
- RJ: Literally, the collar is like a key that opens the door, and if...
- Stella: And what? You think he's just gonna hand over his collar to you?
- RJ: Not to me, my femme fatale. To you.
- Verne: Her?
- Stella: Me?
- RJ: You, Stella, will get that cat to give you his collar by using...
- Stella: My stink.
- RJ: ...your feminine charms.
- Hammy the Squirrel: Ha ha ha! - Was that out loud?
- Vincent: Wow.
- RJ: Vincent!
- Vincent: So I was just on my way down here to kill you, and I stopped to watch the show, and I gotta say... that right there, is a thing of beauty. That is the most vicious, deceitful, self-serving thing I've ever seen.
- [Chuckles]
- Vincent: Classic RJ. You take the food, and they take the fall. You keep this up, your gonna end up just like me. Having everything you ever wanted.
- RJ: But I already had that.
- Vincent: What, them? Who are you kidding? You said it yourself, you're a family of one. Always will be. It's how guys like you and me survive. So a few saps got hurt in the process. Tough. That's life. Trust me, you don't need them.
- RJ: Actually, I do. And right now, they really need me. So I really need this!
- [Takes the wagon with all the food]
- Vincent: RJ!
- RJ: That is an S.U.V; Humans ride in then because they are slowly losing their ability to walk.
- Penny: Jeepers, its so big!
- Lou: How many humans fit in there?
- RJ: Usually, one.
- Stella: I'm gonna gas you so hard your grandchildren will stink!
- Gladys: [after installing a lot of traps] What about this one, this Depelter Turbo?
- Dwayne: That's a contraband item, ma'am, as it is illegal in every state,
- [with his hand over his heart]
- Dwayne: except Texas.
- Gladys: I don't care if this violates the Geneva Conventions, I want it.
- Dwayne: I thought you might, so I took the liberty of installing it for you.
- [as he tosses a stuffed bear in it]
- Dwayne: Adios, animal infenstation.
- RJ: [it traps it] AHHHHH!
- Gladys: [we see it in a cage, with outside burned off] Ohhh, very nice.
- Stella: So, you got a name?
- Tiger: Yes. It is a Persian name, for I am Persian. I was born Prince Tigeriess Mahmood Shabaz.
- Stella: Ooh, that's a mouthful. Can I just call you Tiger?
- Ozzie: I thought you were dead.
- Heather: I learned from the best, Dad.
- Ozzie: That's my girl.
- RJ: Something you said yesterday really touched me right here. It starts with an F, remember what that was?
- Verne: Family?
- RJ: Yeah yeah right that. You see Verne I use to have had all that. My own place, surrounded by loved ones, universal remote. But all that went away with... the weed hacker incident.
- Gladys: I'm sorry Janis, did I just hear them say *rabid squirrel*?
- Janis: Oh, I think they're proabably just over reacting.
- Gladys: But what if they're not? What if we a potential pandemic on our hands, vermin running loose, spreading disease and lowering our property values?
- Janis: Yeah, I have a casserole in the oven, gotta run.
- Gladys: Fine, you worry about your casserole, and I'll worry about *the end of suburban peace and tranquility*!
- Verne: [after getting chased away] See what I mean? That's what I was talking about. These humans don't want us *around*.
- RJ: So we scared her and she over-reacted, no biggy.
- Verne: No biggy? No that's what we call a biggy.
- RJ: C'mon, think about the food, it was worth it for that food, that stuff is to die for.
- [Ozzy faints and Heather rolls her eyes]
- RJ: Let me rephrase that.
- Verne: No, to die for, you nailed that part. Look, maybe our little forest life seems primative to a guy with a bag.
- RJ: What!
- Verne: But I think I speak for all of us when I say that we want *nothing* to do with *anything* that's *over that hedge*.
- [they begin to walk away]
- RJ: Oh come on. You haven't even tried doughnuts yet. You wanna store some fat, that is the way to store some fat, you'll be sweating through the winter.
- [they don't listen]
- RJ: Okay, okay you guys sleep on it. Good idea, I'm gonna check back with you.
- [to himself]
- RJ: Shoot! Almost had them.
- RJ: Vincent, wait! I can get it all back! That's right. If you eat me, you'd have to do it. But I can get it, all of it.
- Vincent: My red wagon?
- RJ: Redder!
- Vincent: The blue cooler?
- RJ: Blue cooler. On my list! Gotta be blue?
- Vincent: Yes! And I want my Spuddies. I love those things. 'Cause with a Spuddie, enough just isn't enough.
- RJ: So true. Painfully true. And I'll tell you what. I'm gonna get you the giant picnic pack, family-fun size.
- Vincent: They have that?
- RJ: I'm pretty sure.
- Vincent: All right, R.J. I'm going back to sleep. When that moon is full, I'm waking up, and all my stuff had better be right back where it was.
- RJ: But that's just one week! That's impossible for one guy!
- [Vincent squeezes on RJ's head]
- RJ: A week's perfect. I'll get some helpers.
- Vincent: Full moon, all my stuff. And don't even think about running away, because if you do, I will hunt you down and kill you.
- Ozzie: [after Verne stumbles into the hedge] Steve ate Verne!
- Stella: [to Tiger] Look, its not you. It... it won't work, OK? Because I'm a... a...
- Gladys: [walks in, sees Stella] *Skunk!*
- Stella: Yeah, that.
- Gladys: That's the...
- Dwayne: The Depelter Turbo. Prepare for a lot of stinging.
- Hammy the Squirrel: What is that?
- RJ: That, my friend, is a magical combination of corn flour, dehydrated cheese solids, BHA, BHT, and good old MSG; a.k.a., the chip, nacho cheese flavor.
- Ozzie: Mother, is that you? Beckoning me into the light? Must... move... toward... the light!
- Tiger: Shoo, go on, get away from here. My owner does not give scraps to common strays.
- Stella: Common strays? Alright, you asked for it...
- [turns and raises rear]
- RJ: [whispers] Get the collar!
- Stella: Gee, that's a nice collar you got on. Mind if I have a look?
- Tiger: No-no-no-no-no! Come no closer! I must not be so near a creature of the outdoor woods.
- [sneezes]
- Tiger: Away with your filth!
- Stella: My filth? My *filth*?
- Penny: Oh jeepers here we go.
- Stella: Okay, that's it. I'm sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away 'cause they think I'm filthy. Well I got news for you: I didn't get primped and preened to have some overfed, pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me. I've got makeup on my *butt*, dude! And you don't even want to know about the cork!
- Tiger: Stop! No one has *ever* spoken to me like that!
- [others gasp]
- Tiger: It is bold... I like it.
- Stella: Yeah? Well, there's more where that came from, uh... puffball!
- [Leads him away from the door]
- Tiger: You're strong. Your essence is overpowering.
- Stella: [pushes tail down] Wh-what do you mean by that?
- Tiger: It is your eyes.
- Stella: My eyes?
- Tiger: They are... luminous.
- Stella: Luminous... Dang.
- RJ: [showing the other animals around the houses] They *always* got food with them. We eat to live - these guys live to eat! Let me show you what I'm talking about!
- RJ: [as he speaks he shows the other animals what humans do] The human mouth is called a 'piehole', the human being is called a 'couch potato'.
- RJ: [signifies telephone] *That* is a device to summon food.
- RJ: [signifies doorbell] That is one of the many voices of food.
- RJ: [signifies front door] *That* is the portal for the passing of food.
- RJ: [signifies delivery truck] *That* is one of the many food transportation vehicles. Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive food, they wear the food!
- RJ: [signifies grill] *That* gets the food hot!
- RJ: [signifies cooler] *That* keeps the food cold!
- RJ: [signifies turtle pinata] *That*... I'm not sure what that is.
- RJ: [kids break the turtle piñata and Verne yells] Well, what do you know? FOOD!
- RJ: [signifies table where family prays before dinner] *That* is the altar where they WORSHIP food!
- RJ: [signifies advert for Seltzer] That's what they eat when they've eaten TOO MUCH food!
- RJ: [signifies treadmill] *That* gets rid of the guilt so they can eat MORE FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOOOOD! So, you think they have enough?
- RJ: [everybody nods] Well, they don't. For humans, enough is *never* enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming silver cans, just for us!
- RJ: [opens the thrash cans and knocks them over] Dig in!
- RJ: Please, Vincent! I'm just a desperate guy trying to feed his family!
- Vincent: You don't have a family, RJ.
- RJ: I meant a family of one.
- Dwayne: What do we have here?
- [Inhale]
- Dwayne: Didelphis marsupialis virginianus. Aproximately ten pounds.
- [Inhale]
- Dwayne: Male.
- Gladys: I think it's dead.
- Dwayne: Oh, really? Do you in fact have a associates degree from VermTech? I think he wants you to think he's dead.
- RJ: Please don't think I'm prying, but I couldn't help overhearing, and I think I can shed a little light on what this whole hedge situation is about. You see, what was once mere wilderness is now 54 acres of man-made, manicured, air-conditioned paradise.
- [Points at map]
- RJ: Except for that little-bitty speck. You are here.
- [All gasp]
- RJ: No, no, that's a good thing. You're hibernators, right? You gather up a bunch of food, store it away for the winter?
- Hammy the Squirrel: Aha! We fill the log!
- Verne: Hammy.
- RJ: Really? This log? This cave-like log?
- Ozzie: All the way to the top.
- Verne: Ozzie.
- RJ: Let me ask ya, how long's it take, you know, to fill the log?
- Heather: Two-hundred and seventy-four days.
- RJ: Ooh! Ever done it in a week?
- Verne: That's impossible.
- RJ: Not if we work together. You see, you've got the food-gathering skills, I've got the know-how, and they have the food.
- Heather: How much food?
- RJ: Loads of food! Heaps of food! Food out the wazoo!
- Verne: Well, you know, whatever kind of food comes out of a wazoo, I really don't think we're interested in eating.
- Lou: I don't know. The guy's making a lot of sense to me. I think we should listen.
- Penny: Yeah. I'm okay with wazoo food there.
- RJ: Now if a human does happen to see you, just lay down, roll over and give your privates a good licking. They love it!
- Ozzie: O great and powerful Steve! What do you want?
- Verne: I-I don't think it can speak.
- Debbie: [From other side of hedge] I heard that, young man!
- [Others are shocked; Ozzie plays dead]
- Debbie: You get over here right now!
- Hammy the Squirrel: Okay.
- Verne: Hammy, get back here.
- Hammy the Squirrel: But Steve is angry.
- Verne: I think it came from the other side of Steve - I mean, the bush. I mean... Geez!
- Dr. Dennis: [On TV] Get real, Kevin, 'cause when you feel like a dirtbag, it's because you're a dirtbag. Right? So just own it. Say it out loud: "I am a dirtbag."
- Lou: Dirtbag? I don't think that guy's a real doctor.
- RJ: And there they are. America's most coveted cookies. Love Handles, Skinny Mints, Neener-Neeners, and Smackeroons. And guess what? They're all yours!
- [Hammy jumps, but RJ stops him]
- RJ: Whoa, Hamilton. Hold on there, fella. I love your energy, but you just can't take them.
- Hammy the Squirrel: But you just said they're mine.
- RJ: They will be, if we successfully marry your manic energy to my brilliant plan. You with me, kid?
- Hammy the Squirrel: I... I... I...
- RJ: The ayes have it. Let's ride.
- Verne: [to RJ] You see what you've done here? If they listen to half the stuff you're telling them, they'll be dead within a week! You are only interested in taking advantage of them because they are too stupid and naive to know any better!
- Hammy the Squirrel: [growing solemn] I'm not stupid.
- Verne: [noting the family's reaction] Okay, I didn't mean, uh... I meant... ignorant! To the... ways over... over, over there.
- [they begin walking away]
- Verne: C'mon you guys, you know I didn't mean it like that. Don't... don't do this. Stella... Ozzie?
- [stops Hammy]
- Verne: Hammy? You know I didn't... Hammy?
- Hammy the Squirrel: [pushes him away] I'm not stupid...
- Ozzie: You should have *died*! You should've just laid down and died!
- Heather: Dad!
- Verne: [when questioned about the food] I returned it to its rightful owner.
- Ozzie: What?
- Heather: We, like, worked our tails off, y'know? Like a lot! And the food we gathered was totally... you know! And you're, you're all whatever!
- RJ: [Lays down some Monopoly play pieces to signify what they will do] Okay, this is us.
- Hammy the Squirrel: Can I be the car?
- Bucky: I wanna be the car!
- Spike: I'm the car. You be the shoe.
- Bucky: The shoe is lame.
- Lou: Why don't you be that snazzy-looking iron there?
- RJ: Hey! It's not important. Besides, I'm the car. I'm *always* the car.
- Dwayne: I believe someone phoned about an animal problem? The solution is standing before you. Dwayne LaFontaine is here.
- Gladys: Where have you been? I am throwing a Welcome to the Neighborhood party tomorrow, and so far, Debbie's car has killed more animals than you have.
- Dwayne: Stand down, sister. I personally guarantee that there won't be a living thing at this party. The Verminator is on the job.
- Verne: I thought we'd be dead by step two, so this is going great.
- Stella: You mean you don't mind the smell?
- Tiger: This face was bred for Beauty. I cannot smell a thing.
- Ozzie: Playing Possum is what we do. We die, so we live.
- Stella: I got makeup on my butt, dude!
- Stella: [Stamping toward the hedge, getting into her "firing" position] All right, Steve... you brought this on yourself!
- Stella: [to Verne] Oh, so we're supposed to go hungry just because your butt's vibrating!
- Vincent: RJ? The moon's not full yet...
- [notices RJ has his food]
- Vincent: RJ. Don't tell me you're dumb enough to come up here and steal my stuff. RJ? I'm gonna have to kill you.
- [Advances on RJ]
- RJ: WAIT! The food is still in the cave, so technically, not stolen!
- [accidentally bumps into the wagon, sending it down the hill]
- RJ: Oh no, no, no, no! STOP!
- [the wagon stops, RJ and Vincent chuckle nervously at each other until a truck destroys the wagon and food]
- Hammy the Squirrel: [energetic] Where's the food? It's there any food left? I'm really hungry, so it's there any food left there, huh?
- Heather: We ate all the food, Hammy, during the winter? So we're just about get some more now.
- Hammy the Squirrel: Oh, right! I buried my nuts in the woods. I know where they are. I'll be right back. Bye!
- [Hammy zips off. A drop of snow from the branch falls on Ozzie's head. He gasps and plays dead. The triplets laughs at Ozzie]
- Heather: [chuckles nervously] Dad, it's just snow.
- Ozzie: But, it could've been a predator.
- Heather: Isn't playing dead a little... weak?
- Ozzie: Heather, how many times must I say it? Playing possum is what we do. We die, so that we live!
- Mackenzie: [to her mom after Hammy, RJ, and Vern stole their cookies] There, there, that's where the squirrel attacked us, and he had like rabies or something, and then there was this gross, naked amphibian thing...
- Verne: [quietly] Reptile.
- Gladys: [On cell phone] No, I can talk. I'm just driving.
- Gladys: [On phone] The homeowners charter, which you signed, says the grass is supposed to be two inches, and according to my measuring stick, yours is two-point-five.
- Verne: So he can do a couple of tricks. I mean, it's not like he can walk on water.
- RJ: [Walking across a pool on floats] Hey, everybody! This way to the food!
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