- Henry Lair: Hey. Hey, there's something different about my nanny.
- Jason Lair: She's a nurse.
- Henry Lair: Well, whatever she is, she gave me a woody, goddamnit!
- Jason Lair: Well, I-I-I guess that's natural.
- Henry Lair: Well, of course, it's natural! I didn't say an aligator came out of my ass!
- Jason Lair: No, he sent us here so I could forgive you. That's all my post-it said was, "Forgive him." What am I forgiving you for, Turner? Huh? What am I forgiving you for?
- Turner Lair: What happened here... there's no forgiveness.
- Jason Lair: What happened on the stairway, Turner? Just tell me, what happened on the stairway?
- Turner Lair: You were not in the car.
- Jason Lair: What?
- Turner Lair: With your mother. You were never in a car accident.
- Jason Lair: What'd you do? Did you drop me? Is that it? You get fucked up? You get fucked up and you dropped me?
- Turner Lair: Fucked up? I WAS GONE!
- Jason Lair: Just... say it! Say it! Say it! You dropped me! Say it.
- Turner Lair: No... no. No! NO! Nobody dropped you! GET IT? I threw you, kid. I threw my boy... I threw my boy.
- Turner Lair: [His last lines] Goin' to the rock. It's where you come from. The woman I made love with on that rock... was your mother.
- Henry Lair: The Lair family have a history of thievery, Zachary. Nothin' to be ashamed of. Now banking, there's a shameful occupation.
- [repeated line]
- various people: Sometimes a thing *wants* to be stolen.
- Jason Lair: You called me TENSE!
- Turner Lair: You called me THIEF!
- Jason Lair: You WERE a thief!
- Turner Lair: You were tense. You still are.
- [first lines]
- Henry Lair: [banging on the furniture]
- Jason Lair: Henry, it's 1 o'clock.
- Henry Lair: I was... drumming for an idea.
- Jason Lair: I heard.
- Zach Lair: Who are you?
- Turner Lair: Granddad. That's how it works.
- Zach Lair: You're not dead any more.
- Zach Lair: They're getting a divorce.
- Jason Lair: A trial separation.
- Zach Lair: She's painting in nipple.
- Jason Lair: Nepal.
- Cowboy: Tell your kid to stay away from my fucking dog!
- Turner Lair: ...Stares at him in disbeleaf...
- Cowboy: What? What are you lookin' at?
- Turner Lair: How much is he?
- Cowboy: What?
- Turner Lair: Your dog?
- Cowboy: Fuck you! He ain't for sale
- Turner Lair: I'd like to buy him anyway!
- Cowboy: Mister! You ask me one more time, someone else will end up with your goddam social security!
- John: [about fathers] They're all dicks. If they stay, if they go, if they're mean, if they're nice. We're dads. We're dicks. It's not our fault.
- Jason Lair: He's not my father.