- Prince Charming: You! You can't lie! So tell me puppet... where... is... Shrek?
- Pinocchio: Uh. Hmm, well, uh, I don't know where he's not
- Prince Charming: You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?
- Pinocchio: It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that it is or isn't almost partially incorrect.
- Prince Charming: So you do know where he is!
- Pinocchio: On the contrary. I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably
- Prince Charming: Stop it!
- Pinocchio: ...do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be, if that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't at where I knew he was
- [Pigs and Gingerbread Man begin singing]
- Pinocchio: That'd mean I'd really have to know where he wasn't.
- Donkey: Alright people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite!
- Pinocchio: But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool.
- Gingerbread Man: As I recall, it was Team Awesome.
- Wolf: I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.
- Donkey: Alright, alright, alright. From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.
- Snow White: Right! Ladies, assume the position!
- [Sleeping Beauty falls asleep, Snow White lies down in her coffin pose, and Cinderella seats herself on the floor gazing dreamily into space]
- Princess Fiona: What are you doing?
- Sleeping Beauty: [Snaps awake] Waiting to be rescued.
- [falls back asleep]
- Snow White: Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Let down your golden extension.
- Shrek: I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happened?
- Puss in Boots: Allow me to explain. When a man falls in love with a woman, he is overcome with powerful urges...
- Shrek: I know how it happened! I just can't believe it.
- Donkey: [to Puss] How does it happen?
- Cinderella: [after hearing the Puss and Donkey speak after changing bodies] I don't get it.
- Snow White: The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get?
- Shrek: Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you di'n't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's wack!
- [Shrek gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]
- Artie: Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!
- [knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]
- Artie: Knock, knock. Hello! Hello!
- [a holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door]
- Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-
- [the holograph cuts off. Merlin comes out the front door and says]
- Merlin: I knew I should have got that warranty.
- Puss in Boots: How can you be a reciever of the wedgies, when you are clearly not a wearer of the underpants?
- Donkey: Let's just say some things are better left unsaid.
- Snow White: I'm sorry but this isn't working for me.
- Sleeping Beauty: It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow.
- Snow White: You're just jealous that I was voted fairest in the land.
- Rapunzel: Oh, you mean in that rigged election?
- Snow White: You're one to talk. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions."
- Queen Lillian: Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.
- Donkey: [Reading Sign] Wer-sestor-shiray? Sounds fancy!
- Shrek: No, it's Worcestershire.
- Donkey: Like the Sauce? Spicy!
- Shrek: [after the royal page comes into the bedroom just as he was about to kiss Fiona] Someone had better be dying.
- [cuts to everyone in the King's bedroom]
- King Harold: I'm dying...
- Puss in Boots: [after switching bodies with Donkey] Ye haw.
- Donkey: Oh, you'll learn to control that!
- [Snickers]
- Guinevere: Ahem. This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly and she thought perchance thou would want to ask her to the homecoming dance or something.
- Shrek: Excuse me?
- Guinevere: It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff.
- Puss in Boots: If he were real, could I do this?
- [Digs claws into Shrek's leg, Shrek tries to hold in his pain]
- Shrek: Ah! Oww!
- Donkey: Or this?
- [Kicks Shrek's other leg, Shrek moans]
- Shrek: If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.
- Donkey: Now watch this!
- Shrek: [Restrains Donkey and Puss] That's quite enough, boys!
- Donkey: [Hook's men wheel his piano in during the fight] Look out! They got a piano!
- Princess Fiona: [after learning that Rapunzel is dating Prince Charming] Rapunzel! How could you?
- Rapunzel: Jealous, much?
- Donkey: [Donkey and Puss in Boots have switched bodies] I've been abra-cadabra'd into a Fancy Feasting second-rate sidekick!
- Puss in Boots: At least you don't look like a bloated roadside piñata. You really need to go on a diet.
- Donkey: And you really need to get yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty!
- Donkey: [seeing Shrek naked in the bed] Aahh! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!
- Puss in Boots: [after Shrek throws Donkey out the door] Some people just don't understand boundaries.
- [Shrek then throws Puss out. Puss does his cat screech, then the eyes]
- Puss in Boots: [Puss says to Shrek as the ship leaves] Well my friend, you are royally...
- [loud horn blast]
- Artie: [convincing Merlin to help them get back to Far Far Away]
- [weeping like a troubled teen]
- Artie: It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble, 'cause there's a really bad man... and it's just so hard!
- Merlin: Come on, take it easy!
- Artie: No! I don't think you understand!
- [collapses at Merlin's feet]
- Artie: There's a mean person doing mean things to good people
- Shrek: Oh, have a heart, old man
- Artie: And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them?
- [collapses and sobs inaudibly]
- Merlin: [awkwardly] Oh, ok... Um, I'll go and get my things
- Artie: [stands up and clears his throat]
- [to Shrek]
- Artie: Piece of cake.
- Evil Tree #2: That's easy for you to say! You're not a haunted tree!
- Evil Tree #1: I think what Steve is trying to say is that it's not easy to come by honest work when the whole world is against you.
- Evil Tree #2: Yes! Thank you, Ed!
- Merlin: [meditating] I'm a buzzing bee... buzz, buzz, buzz...
- Artie: Mr. Merlin? They...
- [gestures to Shrek and crew, but stops short]
- Artie: ... *we* really need your help. Do you think you can use your magic to transport us to...
- Merlin: [interrupting] Sorry, kid, I don't do that stuff anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic there is!
- Donkey: What in the shestershire is this place?
- Shrek: Well, my stomach's aching and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school.
- Shrek: And if he gives me any trouble, I can always use reason and persuasion.
- [Lifts up left fist]
- Shrek: Here's reason...
- [Lifts up right fist]
- Shrek: ... and here's persuasion.
- Ship Captain: [in a menacing growl] You're finished.
- [Shrek, Puss in Boots, and Donkey turn and stare]
- Ship Captain: [apologetically] Heh... with your journey.
- [points to land]
- Gingy: [At Fiona's baby shower, giving her a baby carrier] The baby's gonna love it because I do!
- Artie: You know, Shrek, you're all right. You just need to do a little less yelling, and use more soap.
- Shrek: Thanks, Artie.
- Artie: The soap is because you stink. Really bad.
- Shrek: Yeah, I got that.
- Puss in Boots: [talking to a female kitten] It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life.
- Female kitty cat: Meeaow.
- Puss in Boots: [to several kitty cats] As are you... And, uh, you... And, oops, you... And I... err... I don't know you but I'd like to.
- A bunch of female kitty cats: Meeaow.
- Puss in Boots: I gotta go!
- Sleeping Beauty: Everything always about you, it's not like your additude is helping Snow.
- Snow White: Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land.
- Shrek: [to Charming] Those are some nice leotards, though
- Prince Charming: Oh, thank you.
- Shrek: Do they have those in men's sizes?
- [audience laughs]
- Artie: And so, people, I hope you enjoy your stay in prison, while I rule the free world, baby!
- Shrek: All right, don't overdo it.
- Artie: I'm building my city, people, on rock 'n' roll!
- Shrek: You just overdid it.
- Shrek: Fiona, try to be reasonable. Have you seen a baby lately? All they do is eat and poop, and then they cry, and they cry when they poop, and poop when they cry. Now imagine an *ogre* baby. They extra cry, and they extra poop.
- Shrek: Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.
- Donkey: [to Shrek and Fiona] Good Morning, good morning... To you, and you and youuuuu.
- Donkey: [Having just fallen from the sky] I haven't had a trip that bad since college!
- Artie: Please don't eat me.
- Crowd: Eat him! Eat him!...
- Shrek: I'm not here to eat him.
- Crowd: [Disappointed] Aww!
- Gingy: [to Prince Charming] The only thing you're ever gonna be king of, is king of the stupids!
- Artie: If there's something you want to do, or someone you really want to be, then the only one standing in your way... is you.
- Rumplestiltskin: Me?
- Guard #1: Get him, lads!
- Girl: I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with him.
- Prince Charming: This was supposed to be *my* Happily Ever After!
- Shrek: Well, I guess you need to keep looking, because I'm not giving up mine.
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