Citations

The One with Rachel's Other Sister

Rachel: I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated dad's office.
Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.

Rachel Green: Emma, this is your first Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?
Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.

Ross: Hey, dude, are you okay? Sorry about before.
Chandler Bing: No, that's okay. You're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings, and I want you to know that if I die you don't get Joey.

Monica: Everyone, we're using our fancy china, and it's very expensive, so please be careful.
Ross: [mimicks losing the plate, waving it in the air] Whoa, whoa...!
[he laughs, then almost loses it, catching it in the nick of time]
Monica: Okay, just to be clear, comedy with the plates will not be well-received.

Chandler: So, if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: [looks down] No, that... that is not what we're saying.
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I... Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!

Rachel Green: [Emma cries] She needs changing.
Chandler Bing: Oh no no, I'll get her. I am super competent, totally responsible, and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there, Emma, just let me get my trusty diaper bag.
Chandler Bing: [accidentally knocks over a chair, spilling the box with the good china, smashing them to pieces] Well, what do you know? I guess I'll be the one that dies first.

Monica: [Chandler is setting the table with the good china] Careful... careful... CAREFUL!
Chandler Bing: I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise.

Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible. Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.

Amy: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?
Chandler Bing: No, if crazy plate lady... if Monica dies then I would get Emma, right?
Rachel: Well, actually...
Chandler Bing: Actually, what?
Ross: It's just that in that case then Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler Bing: What?
Amy: [to Chandler] Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?

Amy: [fighting with Rachel while an uncomfortable Ross looks on] You know what I cannot believe? That my so-called sister gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren - and I still have to pay *retail*?
Rachel: [laughing] It's 45!
Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect, with your new baby and your small apartment.
[Ross slams a towel on the kitchen table]
Amy: Well, let me tell you something: your baby isn't even that cute!
Ross: Too far, Amy. Too far.

Amy: [referring to their other sister Jill] Who's gotten really fat by the way.
Rachel: Really?
Amy: Mom says she's gained like 15 pounds.
Rachel: Hips and thighs?
Amy: Ass and face.
Rachel: Ohh. I thought she was on Atkins.
Amy: She was. Carbs found her.

Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

Monica: [Rachel and Amy get into a cat fight at Thanksgiving] My God! Somebody do something! Stop them!
Joey: What? Stop them? Throw some jello on them!

Amy: [about Rachel's baby] Aw, isn't that sweet? Rachel, she has your original nose.

Chandler Bing: So, if Monica's not around I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: No, that is not what we are saying
[looks down]
Ross: .
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler Bing: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you.

Rachel: You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Amy: Oh yeah, well you didn't come to see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.
Rachel: I did the first time! And you want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you?
Ross: Emma
Rachel: Who's side are you on?

Amy: Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. Do you even realize how much that hurt me?
Rachel: Timmy was my boyfriend. And you went out with him.
Amy: Oh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it.

Chandler Bing: You know, I can talk to the producers for you, I'm a great liar. Take Monica's dress, I said I loved it, I *hate* it.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler Bing: I'm also a great moron.

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