Araignées de Glace

This was one of the worst horror movies I've ever seen. No Olympic class skiers would ever ski at this resort. There wasn't hardly any snow left. The base of the slopes was just dirt. The blacktop in the parking lot was dry as a bone. The skiers were a joke. Any intermediate weekend skier could beat them. At first I thought the skiers were wearing a back-back, but I realized that was the "spider" special effect. This was not even funny either. "killer tomatoes" was ten times better. The DVD box had a couple of good reviews. I wonder what movie they saw. The good news was that it was only 86 minutes long. I was able to fast forward through it.

OK to start with--this could have been much worse. The acting was fairly lame--picture stereotypical surf dude dialogue-- and the story itself is one we've seen repeatedly. I think the coolest thing about it was Stephen Cannel. I kept thinking that it was just someone who looks like him. He had a bigger role than I had expected. I have to admit I liked the ending. If anyone has seen the end of the 2nd feature of Grindhouse---I didn't cheer as much but it was OK. :) Don't watch this expecting too much--if you are watching anything on the SciFi Original Saturday nights---surely you wouldn't be doing that anyway. It is an OK way to waste 2 hours if you have nothing better to do.

This is what somebody runs into the lobby of the dead ski resort and shouts. This is classic stuff. Unfortunately, one doubts that it's intentional. The skiers who ski down the hill and stop in a heap so that the skittery spiders can attack effortlessly are like something from Monty Python. The Olympic team huddled behind the machinery and watching from afar is supremely atrocious. I want to laugh but it's too stupid. It's like laughing at a physically impaired person falling out of his wheelchair. No, Sci-Fi channel is way too cynical to earn any more of my time. This is pure tripe. Have they a single idea in their heads, or must it all be this embarrassing crap...? (Alas, rhetorical question.)

The federal government is at it again in Ice Spiders. In the mountains of Utah where only a few skiers are having a great old time at a resort, our government has a big old giant laboratory where scientists Vanessa Williams and David Milbern have been breeding some ancient giant spiders with a technique that was first mentioned in Jurassic Park. It's also a plot idea that was used in the Lou Diamond Phillips movie Bats where Milbern goes as batty as the scientist who created those creatures in that film. Your tax dollars at work.

The hunters and the skiers are being chewed up, stored and eaten by these critters, the usual mayhem that giant anythings cause among the human population in these films. The guy who takes it the most seriously is ski instructor Patrick Muldoon, once a US Olympic hopeful. He and Vanessa see eye to eye on the giant spiders and each other of course.

I guess the idea was breed these things and then loose them on North Korea or Iran or any other country that was giving us problems. As is usual in these films, the critters get out of hand. The whole cast walks around with embarrassed looks on their faces.

Vanessa Williams lost her Miss America crown over those embarrassing nude pictures. She looks more embarrassed in this film than those snapshots of long ago ever caused.

And well she should.

No, not the spiders, the characters' gene pools are the biggest threat here. This movie was crammed full of idiot characters I cared nothing about whatsoever. Had me rooting for the spiders all the way, hoping they would make sure these people never procreated. The film was boring, riddled with plot holes, inane dialogue, crap effects and just soooo many goofs I lost count half way through. Had to watch this in two parts as I just couldn't take it after an hour. I seldom if ever don't finish a film though, so cringed my way through the dismal last 20 and a bit minutes. I wish I hadn't bothered.

Yes, I know this was made for cable, it's meant to be a bit of fun and mindless, but did they really have to make it THAT bad? I love a good b-movie, but this was grade z garbage.

See Arachnophobia, Kingdom of the spiders or pretty much any other spider movie out there. And if you want to see good skiing, just watch anything else but this. Even Ski School and Ski Patrol had better actors and skiing.