- Shelley: The eyes are the nipples of the face.
- Carrie Mae: Do you guys know where the crapper is? I have to do a *very mysterious* thing in there...
- [whispers]
- Carrie Mae: drop some timber.
- Shelley: I gotta meet this freakin' bird!
- Shelley: I don't think he likes me. He didn't fall for any of my tricks.
- Natalie: That's impossible. Your tricks always work.
- Shelley: I did sexy. I did other guys want me. I worked every angle in the book but, I don't know, he just stared.
- Natalie: What if Oliver is one of those guys who wants to have, like, a conversation with a girl before he hooks up with her.
- Shelley: He's gay?
- Shelley: Instead of the Mahi-Mahi, can I get just the one Mahi, because I'm not that hungry?
- Shelley: Kindness is just love with its work boots on.
- Carrie Mae: The only magic I ever did was try to figure out how to stay in college for nine years and not go back to my trailer park in Idaho.
- Tyler: So, are you a Zeta?
- Shelley: Oh! I wish.
- Tyler: Yeah. I do too 'cause Zeta would be my favorite hizzity hang.
- Natalie: Well, she is not a Zeta because she's our new hizzity house mother. She'll be hizzy-tizzy - - She'll be here all the time.
- Shelley: You're hiring me?
- [She hugs Natalie. The boys seem to like it and start making appreciative noises]
- Natalie: Why are they acting like that?
- Shelley: Boys just being boys. Thank goodness!
- Shelley: [puts on Natalie's glasses] God, you need to go to the eye doctor!
- Natalie: I did. That's where I got my glasses.
- Shelley: Good morning, Pooter! You're looking dapper!
- Shelley: Manhole. I like that word. Manhole.
- Natalie: Shelley knows how to meet guys, hence, we will learn how to meet guys.
- Shelley: Yeah, hence!
- Shelley: My heart is pounding like a nail!
- Shelley: [while reading a letter] Dear Shelley. Oh my gosh, that's me! Wait there's more!
- Natalie: We could tie our shoes together, our tennis shoes, and we could throw them over telephone wires. Because I see that everywhere and it seems like people would have fun doing that. Like, how hard can you throw? You know what I mean? Like how - what are you -
- [stops herself]
- Natalie: [awkward pause]
- Shelley: Or we could go to a club.
- Natalie: This is Harmony.
- Shelley: [frog voice] Harmony.
- [Harmony looks disturbed]
- Natalie: And Carrie Mae.
- Shelley: [frog voice] Carrie Mae.
- Natalie: [points] And that's Joanne over there.
- Shelley: [frog voice] Joanne.
- [Joanne waves distributively]
- Natalie: What is that? Is it like a Yoda, type of thing, I mean it's cool, fun, but?
- Shelley: Oh, it's just this thing I do to remember people's names.
- [frog voice]
- Shelley: Natalie.
- Mona: [sarcastically] Wow, you hired the exorcist, that's great!
- Shelley: [Talking to Oliver] Oh, wait here for a second, I think I dropped some money over here the other day. I just don't know wherever it could be. Maybe it's over here by this manhole...
- [stands seductively on a steaming manhole]
- Shelley: Haaaa-ARGH! That is fucking hot!
- Shelley: Natalie, Colby was following you around like a puppy dog. Do you guys think you'll, you know...
- Natalie: No. I do not think, you know, THAT.
- Shelley: That? Natalie, are you a virgin?
- Natalie: No. Am I a virgin? No.
- Shelley: You're a virgin!
- [She says it a little too loudly and everyone in the quad stops in their tracks]
- Natalie: Shhh. It's like an amphitheater in here.
- Shelley: That's it. Oh my gosh. We have to have an Aztec party. We always wanted to have one at the mansion but we could never find a virgin to sacrifice.
- Harmony: [Lilly whispered something about Shelley to her] No, that doesn't make her a hooker, sorry.
- Mrs. Hagstrom: Don't mess with me. Don't mess with Phi Iota Mu.
- Shelley: Man! Someone needs a mani-pedi-massage combo PRONTO.
- Carrie Mae: Do you guys know where the crapper is? I have to drop some timber.
- Shelley: [Z from the sorority letters falls on her head] Ooh, what was that?
- Natalie: [coming outside] oh, yeah that happens like, ten times a day.
- Shelley: Oh, well... at least you've still got T and A!
- Oliver: No, it's for senior citizens, you know, an old folks... for old people.
- Shelley: I know lots of old men - hairy and not-hairy. But I don't mean to brag.
- Mona: You like what you see, stud?
- Guy at bar: Not really sure what I'm looking at, metal-face. Let me guess, is it a Hannibal Lecter thing?
- Mona: Yeah, it is.
- [bites his arm]
- Shelley: I'm an expert at parties and boys! I'm a bunny! Men write to me from prison, sometimes even in their own blood, which I think is theirs, but I don't know, I'm really nervous because I really want to help.
- Natalie: A-a bunny? You mean, like, centerfold?
- Shelley: Oh, bless your heart, no, just a few pictorials, like "Girls from the Midwest" and "Girls with GEDs."
- [from trailer]
- Shelley: They're kicking me out?
- Marvin: Maybe it's because of your age.
- Shelley: But I'm 27.
- Marvin: But that's 59 in Bunny Years.
- Shelley: Michelle, you know that feeling that I'm talking about? Where you suddenly feel pretty, and next thing you know, you feel better about yourself? Well, that was what was happening to me.
- [shakes her head]
- Shelley: My allergic reaction made me feel pretty. And so I ignored all the bad side-effects, because suddenly people were *talking* to me, and they were noticing me... and even though I was itching like crazy... it was worth it, to feel accepted... and so, I couldn't wait to get a cold, so I could take my erythromycin. But underneath that beautiful glowing skin,
- [shakes her head]
- Shelley: I still had that cold.
- Natalie: [after getting their make-overs and everybody stares at them] So this is what it's like to be not invisible.
- Harmony: Oh, not invisible, just the anti-hot.
- Mona: You wanna get cut, bitch?
- Waiter #2: Hey, I know where I know you from. You were in Playboy! Girls with GEDs right?
- Shelley Darlingson: Oh, heck no! No! Those girls are all boobs and no brains. I'm too busy in a library reading books with dust on them. Oh please!
- Waiter #2: Sorry. My mistake then. Sorry.
- [from trailer]
- Oliver: You given any thought to who you might be voting for?
- Shelley: I definitely won't listen to what Simon says, he is just so mean. I usually always agree with Paula and Randy.
- Shelley: Oh, you meant the president.
- Natalie: [taking pictures of Harmony for their calendar] Keep doing that. Keep doing that. Make love to the camera.
- [laughs]
- Natalie: I saw that in Austin Powers.
- Shelley: Yeah. Work it. Think, really sexy witch. Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
- Harmony: A good witch.
- Shelley: I think you're a bad witch.
- Harmony: Oh!
- Shelley: Oh! I bet the house that falls on you is gonna be a sexy house.
- Natalie: Work it. Work it. You're like a supermodel, except more pregnant.
- Shelley: Wash these cars, you sexy bitches! They are filthy. And so are you!
- Mona: Did she just call us bitches?
- Tanya: Did she just call us sexy?
- Shelley: This year, we are gonna get lots and lots of pledges.
- Natalie: Okay. Ooh, we also need to raise money for our philanthropy.
- Shelley: [eyes screwed up] What's a phila-canopee?
- Natalie: Oh. No. It's a *philanthropy.* It's a... it's like a charity.
- Shelley: Ah, I love charity. One time, at the Mansion, I even let Bob Saget grind on me during a slow dance.
- Mona: What? I got numbers from four boys. It was all for research.
- Carrie Mae: Liar!
- Harmony: Careful what you research.
- [playfully pointing at her own pregnant belly]
- Tyler: [after having tricked Lilly] Now can I see your pizzanties?
- Ashley: No!
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