- Kate Dibiasky: You guys, the truth is way more depressing. They are not even smart enough to be as evil as you're giving them credit for.
- Kate Dibiasky: Unless you assholes are taking me to the Batcave, fuck you for putting this hood on me.
- Kate Dibiasky: We have exactly six months, ten days, two hours, 11 minutes and 41 seconds, until a comet twice the size of Chicxulub tears through our atmosphere and extincts all life on Earth.
- Dr. Randall Mindy: When did you do those calculations?
- Kate Dibiasky: I put the moment of impact on a diet app. So, impact is when my diet ends. Only I'm not on a diet. I'm just crying five times a day.
- Dr. Randall Mindy: I don't feel so good.
- Brie Evantee: Alright, so I think what we'll do, we'll go to commercial break...
- Dr. Randall Mindy: No, please, please Brie. Don't cut away. Let me say something
- Jack Bremmer: You came to the right place because on this show, we like to say things...
- Dr. Randall Mindy: Would you please, just stop being so
- [bleep]
- Dr. Randall Mindy: pleasant? I'm sorry, but not everything needs to sound so goddamn clever or charming or likeable all the time. Sometimes we need to just be able to say things to one another. We need to hear things! Look, let's establish, once again, that there is a huge comet headed towards Earth. And the reason we know that there is a comet is because we saw it. We saw it with our own eyes using a telescope. I mean, for God's sake, we took a fucking picture of it! What other proof do we need? And if we can't all agree at the bare minimum that a giant comet the size of Mount Everest, hurtling its way towards planet Earth is not a fucking good thing, then what the hell happened to us? I mean, my God, how do-- How do we even talk to each other? What've we... What've we done to ourselves? How do we fix it? We should have deflected this comet when we had the fucking chance, but we didn't do it. I don't know why we didn't do it. And now they're actually firing scientists like me for speaking out, for opposing them. And I'm sure many of the people out there aren't even gonna listen to what I just said 'cause they have their own political ideology, but I... .I assure you, I am not on one side or the other. I'm just telling you the fucking truth.
- Brie Evantee: I-I think this would be a good time to establish that Isherwell and the president have both said that there's benefits to be...
- Dr. Randall Mindy: Right, well, the president of the United States. Is fucking. Lying! Look I'm just like all of you. I hope to God, I hope to... God that this president knows what she's doing. I hope she's got us all taken care of, but the truth is... I think, this whole administration, has completely. Lost. Their fucking mind! And I think. We're all. Gonna die!
- Yule: Dearest Father and Almighty Creator, we ask for Your grace tonight, despite our pride. Your forgiveness, despite our doubt. Most of all, Lord, we ask for Your love to soothe us through these dark times. May we face whatever is to come in Your divine will with courage and open hearts of acceptance. Amen.
- [President Orlean is attacked by an alien bird creature]
- Congressman Tenant: What is that thing?
- Peter Isherwell: I believe that's called a Bronteroc.
- Waitress: That's an awfully official-looking White House badge you got there.
- Dr. Randall Mindy: I don't know why I have this on.
- Nearby Diner: Listen, just tell us what's going on.
- Guy from the Bar: I got three scared kids at home. How about you just tell us something.
- Dr. Randall Mindy: I understand. I wish could share information, but...
- Guy from the Bar: We're people just like you. We deserve to know!
- Kate Dibiasky: They're right. They deserve to know. Do you really wanna know what's going on?
- Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe: Kate, don't. Kate.
- Dr. Randall Mindy: Kate.
- Kate Dibiasky: They found a bunch of gold and diamonds and rare shit on the comet. So they're gonna let it hit the planet to make a bunch of rich people even more disgustingly rich!
- Kate Dibiasky: Am I to understand correctly that, after all the information you've received today, the decision you're making is to "sit tight and assess"?
- Jason Orlean: I'm sorry, who is she?
- Kate Dibiasky: Who the fuck are you? Aren't you her son?
- Jason Orlean: I'm the fucking Chief of Staff, Boy with the Dragon Tattoo. So I'm doing fine.
- President Orlean: Mmm-hmm. So how certain is this?
- Dr. Randall Mindy: There's 100% certainty of impact.
- President Orlean: Please, don't say 100%.
- Old Aide #2: Can we just call it a potentiality significant event?
- President Orlean: Yeah.
- Kate Dibiasky: But it isn't *potentially* going to happen. It *is* going to happen.
- Dr. Randall Mindy: Exactly, 99.78% to be exact.
- Jason Orlean: Oh, great. Okay, so it's not 100%.
- Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe: Well, scientists never like to say 100%.
- President Orlean: Call it 70% and let's just move on.
- Kate Dibiasky: But it's not even close to 70%.
- President Orlean: You cannot go around saying to people that there's 100% chance that they're going to die. You know? It's just nuts.
- Jason Orlean: There's dope stuff, like material stuff, like sick apartments and watches, and cars, um, and clothes and shit that could all go away and I don't wanna see that stuff go away. So I'm gonna say a prayer for that stuff. Amen.
- [last lines]
- Jason Orlean: What' up, y'all? I'm the last man on Earth. Shit's all fucked up. Don't forget to like and subscribe. We out here.
- Yule: Nice to meet you. I'm Yule.
- June Mindy: Yule.
- Yule: I'm FirePuma142 on Twitch. Do you game?
- Kate Dibiasky: It's really doubtful she knows.
- Yule: You're right.
- June Mindy: Who said I game?
- Riley Bina: You guys discovered a comet? That's so dope. I have a tattoo of a shooting star on my back.
- Kate Dibiasky: Oh.
- Dr. Randall Mindy: That's terrific. We heard about your breakup too, so we just wanna say... We're very sorry, right? We're real sorry. You seem like a... great person.
- Riley Bina: Why don't you mind your own business, you old fuck?
- [Kate sits in a car with a bag over her head]
- Dr. Randall Mindy: I did everything I could. They won't listen.
- Kate Dibiasky: Surprise, surprise.
- Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe: I'm starting to think you just like riling people up.
- Dr. Randall Mindy: I'm so sorry, Kate. Really, I am.
- Kate Dibiasky: Oh, Randall. God. Where's Brie Evantee? Shouldn't you two be playing footsie in a restaurant that only serves cubes and foam?
- Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe: Well, she ain't wrong. You did lose the thread in a big way.
- Dr. Randall Mindy: And what do you suggest we do? An online petition, huh? You want to hold... Get a mob and hold up picket signs? You wanna overthrow the government? I mean, look at this.
- Kate Dibiasky: I can't! My head is in a bag!
- Dr. Randall Mindy: Why don't you go find some, uh... what are the little potatoes called? The tiny ones?
- Kate Dibiasky: Fingerling potatoes?
- Yule: Oh, I fucking LOVE fingerling potatoes!
- Kate Dibiasky: I'm sorry... Are we not being clear? We're trying to tell you that the entire planet is about to be destroyed.
- Brie Evantee: Well it's uh, you know, it's something we do around here. We just keep the bad news light.
- Jack Bremmer: Right. Helps the medicine go down. And speaking of medicine, tomorrow we've got a...
- Kate Dibiasky: Well maybe the destruction of the entire planet isn't supposed to be fun.
- [Everyone stops]
- Kate Dibiasky: Maybe it's supposed to be terrifying. And upsetting. And you stay up all night every night crying... when we're all 100% for sure going to fucking die!
- Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe: Okay. Now be cool. I just have more skin pigmentation than you. 'Cause your ancestors migrated to Northern Europe and developed lighter skin so as to not get...
- Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe: One time, I met Sting, and I swear to God, he farted right in front of me. Didn't break eye contact and didn't even say "excuse me." And the thing is, he actually pulled it off. 'Cause I still found him to be quite charming.
- Jason Orlean: [to Kate] You do not have clearance for this, sweetheart. Don't trip. I got you some crackers, some waters...
- [throws them onto ground]
- Dr. Randall Mindy: You don't need to throw it on the floor.
- Kate Dibiasky: Can I say something?
- Jason Orlean: Yeah, we've been dying to hear what you gotta say.
- Kate Dibiasky: I didn't vote for you. But this is obviously much bigger than my misgivings. So I will be 100% behind this effort. No matter how offensive I may find you.
- President Orlean: Hmm. Wow. That's great.
- Jason Orlean: Yeah. That's really nice. You know, I did have the FBI put that bag over your head. They don't do that. The CIA does, but I made them do it.
- Kate Dibiasky: You know, I had a feeling. I really did.
- Jason Orlean: It's a good feeling 'cause that is what I did. And it was very funny and cool.
- Jason Orlean: I wrote that.
- Kate Dibiasky: Isn't that from Saving Private Ryan?
- Dr. Randall Mindy: Yes. Yes.
- Jason Orlean: No, that's something totally different.
- President Orlean: We will blow Comet Dibiasky off her course... But we're gonna need a hero. We're gonna need a pilot, real guns and...
- Dr. Randall Mindy: Shouldn't this mission be accomplished using remote technology?
- Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe: Washington's always gotta have a hero.
- Jason Orlean: People are gonna ask why we didn't act earlier. So you're gonna have to take the hit on this one.
- President Orlean: Yeah, but we'll take care of you down the road, Jocelyn.
- Jason Orlean: We will.
- Dr. Calder: Of course, Janie. I will resign in disgrace first thing tomorrow.
- President Orlean: Good. Yeah, good.
- Kate Dibiasky: I'm grateful...
- [long pause]
- Kate Dibiasky: I'm grateful we tried.
- Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe: [Beat] Man, oh, man, did we try.
- Peter Isherwell: You know that BASH has over 40 million data points on you, on every decision you have made since 1994, Doctor? I... I know when you have colon polyps months before your doctor does. You got four or five at the moment actually. You know, they're not of concern, but I'd have a checkup as soon as you can. But more importantly than that, much more importantly than that, I know what you are. I know who you are. My algorithms have determined eight fundamental consumer profile types. You are a lifestyle idealist. You think you're motivated by beliefs, high ethical beliefs. But you just run towards pleasure and away from pain. Like a... Like a field mouse.
- Brie Evantee: I've just realized, we don't really know anything about each other. Do we?
- Dr. Randall Mindy: True. Well, every time I try to ask you about your life, you seem to just tell me about your, your favorite restaurants.
- Brie Evantee: Well, I... You know... I just despise the, you know, getting-to-know-you part of relationships, so...
- Dr. Randall Mindy: Oh, okay. I understand.
- Brie Evantee: Okay, let's just get it over and done with. Okay, uh... Right, so, uh... My grandfather invented the flash-freezing process. So I come from grotesque money, but I got away from it by getting three masters degrees.
- Peter Isherwell: Our algorithms can even predict how you'll die. To 96... 96.5% accuracy. I looked you up after we met. Your death was so unremarkable and boring. I can't remember the details, apart from one thing. You're gonna die alone. Alone.
- Kate Dibiasky: What if we have to go to the bathroom?
- Jason Orlean: We'll lay out some newspaper for you. Grab you a can of Febreze.
- Benedict Drask: Know what happened to the last pussy I worked with in combat? You ever see inside a man's torso?
- President Orlean: Goodness... Look at that beautiful animal!
- President Orlean: I wonder are those feathers or are they scale...