- Waj: Rubber dinghy rapids bro.
- Barry: [car breaks down] Fuck, Fuck, fuck it!
- Omar: Did you fix this then, Barry?
- Barry: Yes, I fixed it!
- Omar: Did ya?
- Barry: It's the parts... they're Jewish.
- Omar: What parts in a car are Jewish?
- [pause]
- Omar: Hmm?
- Fessal: Spark plugs.
- Barry: Spark plugs! Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic.
- Waj: I think I'm confused, but I'm not sure!
- Omar: You're confused bro.
- Waj: I'm not confused brother! I just took picture of my face, and it's deffo not my confused face.
- Waj: We'll blow something up.
- Omar: What we gonna blow up Waj?
- Waj: Internet.
- Barry: Bollocks, I'm a liability! I am the Invisible Jihadi! They seek him here, they seek him there, but here's not there, he's blowing up your slag sister!
- Omar: Invisible? Right. Like the time you got on the local news for baking a Twin Towers cake and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?
- Barry: That is part of the plan! Hide in plain sight, you mug!
- Barry: You can't win an argument just by being right!
- Sniper: [into walkie-talkie] The bear is down. Repeat, the bear is down.
- [to other sniper]
- Sniper: We got the bear.
- Sniper: I think that's a Wookie. That's a Wookie!
- Sniper: No it's not! It's a bear!
- Sniper: [into walkie-talkie] Is a Wookie a bear, Control?
- Hassan: [Raps] I'm the Mujahideen and I'm making a scene / Now you's gonna feel what the boom-boom means / It's like Tupac said, "When I die, I'm not dead"/ We are the martyrs, you're just smashed tomatoes / Allahu Akbar!
- [Audience screams as Hassan detonate his suicide belt releasing party streams]
- Barry: [Silent from audience] Mashallah, brother
- [Murmurs from the audience]
- Hassan: [Looking at the audiences] Oh, what, man? Come on. What? Just cos I'm Muslim, you thought it was real?
- Ed: [conversing on the phone] Right so what sort of girls are you into, then, Waj?
- Waj: I don't know. Ones with big jubblies and that.
- Ed: Yeah? You like them big, Waj? Yeah.
- Waj: And nice fit arses, too, man.
- Ed: You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj? I knew you were, bro. You're an arse man. You're a massive arse man.
- Waj: What are you saying?
- Ed: I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj.
- Waj: You giving me batty chirps, bro? You calling me a whammer?
- Ed: No.
- Waj: Fuck off!
- [Ends phone conversation]
- Waj: Fucking Boy George!
- Omar: [after Fessal accidentally blows himself up] Is he a martyr or is he a Jalfrezi?
- Fessal: When I dial this, send you to Heaven brother Crow.
- Crow: Caw.
- Fessal: Inshallah.
- Waj: Yeah! Fuck mini Babybel!
- Malcolm Storge MP: The report makes crystal clear that the police shot the right man, but as far as I'm aware, the wrong man exploded. Is that clear?
- Waj: Aye up you unbelievin' Kuffar bastards! I'm gonna turn you to baked beans.
- Barry: What's with the gun?
- Waj: Proper replica man.
- Barry: It's too small man!
- Waj: Not too small, brother. Big hands!
- Barry: [shouting as he sticks his head through from the boot of the car] Alright Omar! I'm letting you go to Pakistan! My unit, stays here! But my unit's the main unit!
- Omar: Barry, shut up, mate! 'Cause I tell ya, your little brain cell might go off now and again, but if you hands even go to move, if you try to set up the Islamic State of Tinsley again, going to university lectures, opening your big mouth, buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon... I'm gonna rip your plugs out!
- Barry: Not if you're not here, you won't!
- [Waj shoves Barry's head back through into the boot of the car]
- Barry: You just killed the special needs donkey!
- Barry: You can fuck her, but you can't kill her? What's wrong with you?
- Ahmed: Why not come to our study group, Omar?
- Omar: What, and get a four-hour dose of that face? The floaty face of the wise bird, hovering on a million quotes, about to do a massive wisdom shit on my head.
- Barry: You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch!
- Omar: Soph, I can't even get them to stir their tea without smashing a window.
- Omar: [to Waj and Hassan, who are shaking their heads to make their faces look blurry] CCTV's a video. You're just gonna look like a bunch of Sufis on speed.
- Waj: [calls down the phone to Omar] Brother, I don't know what I'm doing.
- [turns around to the SWAT team]
- Waj: Sorry lads, I don't know what I'm doing.
- [bomb goes off and smoke rises from the shutters outside]
- Hassan: I'm a martyr, you're all squashed tomatoes.
- Police Inspector: You're gonna die in that gear lads
- Omar: More than likely, but it's for a good cause
- Barry: They'll pump you full of Viagra. Make you fuck a dog!
- Barry: Why has she got her hands on her face?
- Waj: Because she's got a beard
- Barry: [after starting a discussion about training camps] I object to the term training camps!
- Omar: You're gonna do what I do, bruv?
- Waj: Yeah, bruv.
- Omar: I'm gonna give myself up, bruv.
- Omar: [to Sophia] I'm taking my team up to the top floor now. I'll see you up there.
- Waj: If you treat me like a bomber, why shouldn't I be one?
- Hassan: You made him wee in his own gob?
- Omar: What is wrong with you, bro?
- Barry: Submission... it's the rules of submission.
- Waj: It felt really bad, brother. It's not too tricky once you get the aim right, but... it just feels like really proper wrong. All the wee splashing off your teeth... .
- Hassan: Liquid peroxide.
- Fessal: Three year's of stockpiling.
- Barry: How'd you get it all?
- Fessal: A wholesale shop down the road.
- Barry: What? All from the same shop? Yeah? You mug, you'll get us nicked!
- Fessal: No. I use different voices each time I go in.
- Omar: I swear, cousin bro, I may ask you to blow yourself up, but I would never ask you to piss in your own mouth.
- Matt: I was gonna go a bit further, but I started to run a bit lopsided. See, I'm not slagging my right leg off, but my left leg is definitely stronger. I think lefty just wants it more, you know? Right leg's bone idle. He'll just wait there, let lefty pick up the slack. Before you know it, you're running curves.
- Barry: What if you get caught? I'm not going down just because you can't take a drill in the kneecap. They'll crack you like baby's fingers! They'll pump you full of viagra, make you f**k a dog! You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch!
- Waj: What the f**k has he done to his rabbits, bro?
- Omar: They're not rabbits, bro. They're chickens.
- Waj: They're f**king rabbits!
- Omar: If they're rabbits, bro, where are their ears?
- Waj: That's what I'm saying!
- Barry: You're worse than the specially trained rapists they use in Guantanamo!
- Fessal: My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow and fly it into one of them towers full of Jews and slags!
- Barry: No, don't sweat it, bro! He's been tested!
- Hassan: Yeah! Yeah, he tested me, man!
- Omar: How did he do that, then?
- Hassan: He made me do that bean-thing, man.
- Omar: Oh? What "bean-thing"?
- Hassan: You know, where you put a bean up the end of your knob, man.
- Barry: What? You can f**k her but you can't kill her?
- Commentator on end credits: This footage taken from an American spy plane appears to show two trainee Mujahadin seen struggling with a rocket launcher, firing it at an Arab training camp and accidentally blowing up Osma Bin Laden.
- Barry: The feds can track your phone even if the battery's out.
- Fessal: Really?
- Barry: Really. They can see you underground.
- Waj: Can they see you if you're not there?
- Barry: Where's there?
- Barry: Look, the way to stop the feds tracking you is very simple. You eat your SIM card. Get your SIM cards out. You remove your SIM card and - yes?
- Waj: Can I cook mine?
- Barry: No, you must eat it raw.
- Barry: I am the most Al-Qaeda one here!
- Barry: You realize if I don't come to Pakistan with you, bro, Islam is finished!
- Omar: Alright, frog him.
- Barry: No! No frogging!
- Omar: Frog him in back!
- Barry: Omar, we agreed, no frogging!
- Omar: That was before you swallowed the key!
- Barry: [Choking] We said no frogging!
- Omar: Every time, I've had to frog you!
- Omar: But if your hands even go to move... and you try settin' up the "Islamic State of Tinsley" again... going to university lectures... opening your big mouth... buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon... I'm gonna rip your plugs out!
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