House Squatch

Let me start this review by expressing my utmost admiration and respect for the one and only Mark Polonia and the unbelievable risks he took on this (ultimately) far too ambitious project.

"House Squatch" is a mess of a movie that fails to deliver on its promising premise. Director Mark Polonia, known for his undeniably impressive work in the horror genre, seems to have phoned in this particular effort.

The plot follows two travelers, played by well seasoned acting veteran Jamie Morgan and Yoli Canales, wandering into the nearby, unnamed town in an attempt to locate financial stability through any means necessary, only to discover that Bigfoot, the legendary creature is real and terrorizing the town. Sounds like a recipe for fun, right? Wrong. The acting is cringe-worthy, with wooden performances from the entire cast. The dialogue is stilted, and the characters make decisions that defy logic.

The special effects are laughable, although it is refreshing to see a new Bigfoot costume in the mix. The House Squatches roars and grunts are so over-the-top that they become more comedic than menacing. The pacing is slow, and the tension is nonexistent. When the "scary" moments finally arrive, they're predictable and horribly executed.

With all of that being said, it is undeniable the massive amount of talent which gets the opportunity to shine through. Jeff Kirkendall and Ken Van Sant play off one another terrifically with their years and dedication to the craft as present as ever.

Overall, "House Squatch" feels like a lazy cash-grab. Polonia's direction is uninspired, and the whole thing feels like a waste of time. If you're a fan of Bigfoot, you might get a kick out of this. Otherwise, avoid it at all costs.

3/10.

Trying to get out of town unnoticed, a pair of criminals hiding in a house in a small town are the latest victims of a vicious house sasquatch running wild in the town and forcing the sheriff to take matters into his own hands to stop its rampage with the help of an old friend.

Overall, this one is quite the fun if flawed genre effort. Among the more likable features here, which also highlights the main flaws here, is the generally simplistic and one-note story for this one. Emerging mainly as an excuse to indulge in a non-stop series of random confrontations with the creature, the series of rapid-fire sequences here introducing new characters into the proceedings keep this one moving along into a series of confrontations centered around the residents doing something, and the creature attacks. This provides a chaotic enough timeline of events but is thankfully hardly ever dull by moving from one encounter to another which all leads to the enjoyably cheesy finale that comes off with some comical action scenes and a nice bit of humor. That does become one of the film's biggest drawbacks, though, when this one makes it so obvious that's the point here. By introducing a series of random sequences in this manner, there's a disjointed feel that makes the film come off without a defined focus which is quite painful at times. As well, the whole affair sports such a goofy, cheesy attitude that there's almost no way to take this one seriously ranging from the outright silly monster costume that is plainly just a person in a cheap gorilla suit and a horrible Halloween mask, to the whimsical musical score that ruins the suspense of so many suspenseful stalking scenes and the one-location setup that simply screams rented property on the weekends. These offer up enough to bring this one down.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Language and Violence.

House Squatch is a comedy horror from Mark Polonia and his son Anthony. It's not especially funny with a lot of fart jokes many of them emitted by a dead real estate mogul. The plot is simple- a sasquatch takes up residence in a suburban home and becomes the title creature. The locals and a real estate developer want it gone because it's dragging down the property values though probably not as low as they get in the average big city HoG. The sheriff is tasked with the duty of taking out the creature before it kills all the neighbors. The first people it kills are two "women" one an actual woman and one obviously a large, bearded man wearing a mask. I guess this is supposed to be funny but is one of the worst bits in a film with many jokes that fall flat. I hope it's making fun of the absurd "trans" rights/child castration movement but it's probably just included as goofy humor.

The cast here is mostly regulars from recent Polonia productions, some of them being welcome faces, others I don't need to keep seeing. There's some kills here, all played for laughs with some gore. There's a city wide junk-fest going on, reminiscent of city wide garage sales I adore. The music is annoying and pervasive as it's almost always a "cutesy" holiday style theme or something like you'd hear in Home Alone along with some brief "intense suspenseful" music. I guess this is kind of like House Shark only slightly worse as the characters aren't quite as interesting. It's only 71 minutes though which is a relief.