- Sam Brenner: We have something better than light cannons! We have a positive can-do attitude!
- Ludlow Lamonsoff: [sighing, reassured] Ah!
- Sam Brenner: I'm kidding, we're all gonna die. I'm just... sorry.
- Professor Iwatani: Pac-Man is not bad. You'll see.
- Sam Brenner: Professor Iwatani, what are you doing?
- Professor Iwatani: I will talk to him, he's my son.
- [to Pac-Man]
- Professor Iwatani: Hello, my sweet, little boy. Look how big you've grown.
- Ludlow Lamonsoff: That's so sweet, he's so sweet.
- Professor Iwatani: I know, you're a good boy.
- [Pac-Man bit his hand into pixels, then he and the genius scream]
- Professor Iwatani: Somebody kill this stupid bitch!
- Matty: Classics you mean Halo and Call of Duty?
- Sam Brenner: No. The real classics. Defender. Pac-man. Astroids. Games you play in an arcade which was a building outside of your house. You would go there with your friends, listen to music, cute girls everywhere. In ancient times, they call it 'socializing'.
- [Donkey Kong appears on top of the platform]
- Sam Brenner: Donkey Kong.
- [Donkey Kong rolls a barrel down]
- President Will Cooper: It's just a barrel. How bad can it hurt?
- [Donkey Kong throws down a blue barrel to the oil drum that explodes]
- Sam Brenner: Hello. I am a nerd from the Nerd Brigade. Here to nerd out on all your audio and visual needs.
- Matty: Do you have to say that every time you showed up by the house?
- Sam Brenner: If I wanna get paid, yes.
- Matty: Isn't it kind of demeaning?
- Sam Brenner: Only if someone brings that up.
- Matty: Ehh. Well, I won't bring it up then.
- Sam Brenner: Thanks.
- Choir Kids: [On TV during the ball. Reciting] New York was in trouble. / Pac Man caused a ruckus / But the Arcaders saved us / 'Cause they're bad mother -
- [TV broadcast is interrupted]
- Ludlow Lamonsoff: [Surrenders to Lady Lisa] You win, I'm not gonna fight you anymore. Ok, I know that you have love in your heart and I know that I could make you happy but if you need to kill me, you're just gonna have to go ahead and kill me. At least I can die a happy man knowing that I found true love.
- [Lady Lisa drops her swords, Ludlow stands up and they kiss passionately]
- Eddie Plant: And I couldn't even get a handshake from Serena Williams!
- Sam Brenner: [after Proffesor Iwatani gets hand bitten off by Pac-Man] That was some twisted Pinocchio-Geppetto stuff!
- Sam Brenner: Why didn't you call me then?
- Ludlow Lamonsoff: Because the CIA has been tapping my phones ever since I found out the Zapruder film has been edited, JFK shot first.
- Sam Brenner: Ludlow, it is you.
- Sam Brenner: I was supposed to have a baby with my ex-wife. And the doctor who was helping us make the baby did help us make the baby but unfortunately I wasn't in the room.
- Max Headroom: Well, well, well! Look who's here, Q-Bert the traitor and his cheating friends! Come to beg for a second chance? You're in luck! The boss wants to me-me-meet ya in person! So come on up. If you defeat him, you save your planet and destroy our warriors. But if you lose... Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Hahahaha!
- Eddie Plant: [Talking about Q-Bert] Can I kill it?
- Sam Brenner: You can't kill Q-Bert! You gotta talk to it, get to know it better. Then kill it!
- Matty: Anyway, my mom hates him and she says she's gonna invent a slut seeking missile to take out Sinnamon.
- Sam Brenner: [Rescuing Violet] Grab onto my mighty hammer!
- Violet: You loved saying that.
- Sam Brenner: Yes, I did.
- [Sam aims the hammer at Donkey Kong]
- Sam Brenner: I've been waiting to do this since 1982!
- [Throws hammer at Donkey Kong and kills him]
- Ludlow Lamonsoff: I believe that some alien life-force, has sent real life video games, to attack us.
- [Scene cuts to Pac-Man attacking the firefighters truck]
- Sam Brenner: [Thinks for 4 seconds] That makes sense.
- Sam Brenner: Is it your birthday?
- Matty: No. My parents are getting a divorce.
- Sam Brenner: Oh. So it's like 10 birthdays.
- Violet: [Addressing Sam Brenner] Why are you following me?
- Sam Brenner: Oh God!
- Violet: I can't believe they even let you in here.
- Sam Brenner: Right.
- President's Assistant Jennifer: Colonel Van Patten, you can go right into the Situation Room.
- Violet: Yeah. See, they need me in the Situation Room, so have fun doing whatever you're doing.
- President's Assistant Jennifer: Mr. Brenner. The president is waiting for you in the Oval Office.
- Sam Brenner: [In a derisive tone of voice] Somebody's more important.
- [Moonwalks and addresses a member of the presidential detail while looking at Violet]
- Sam Brenner: Freddie, can you keep the riff-raff outta here?
- Ludlow Lamonsoff: Hi.Ludlow Lamonsoff. We'd actually met before but you will not remember because it was in the back of Brenner's van and I was watching through the window. *sniff* You smell so nice like the book of Genesis.
- Eddie Plant: Pac Man? Boom! That's my jam. Let's get us some light cannons and blow this sucker back to whatever planet it came from.
- Ludlow Lamonsoff: No, no light cannons don't kill Pac Mac. Those... those little ghosts do.
- Eddie Plant: Boom! Let's get us some little ghosts.
- Ludlow Lamonsoff: What am I looking at right now? Are you guys, soldiers or the casts of Magic Mike? Are you gonna fight or dance naked?
- Eddie Plant: I made your game my bitch!
- Professor Iwatani: What is ... "bitch"?
- Sam Brenner: Don't worry 'bout it. He's a criminal
- Eddie Plant: Let's hit it!
- [a chase begins in their cars as ghosts as Pac-Man moves around the city]
- Sam Brenner: Pac-Man's faster than I remember.
- Eddie Plant: Pac-Man's always been faster than the ghost. We're gonna have to outmaneuver.
- [the chase continues until they got Pac-Man cornered]
- Ludlow Lamonsoff: We got him! He's got nowhere to go!
- [Pac-Man moves and eats a power pellet, causing the cars as ghosts to turn deep blue]
- Sam Brenner: Oh, god, no!
- Q-Bert: This feels like my planet. No fun. No laughter. Only war.
- Q-Bert: [showing his trademark speech bubble with characters depicting cursing] Oh crap!
- Sam Brenner: For the record, I'm an amazing kisser. All us nerds are, cause we appreciate it more.
- Violet: You didn't even brush your teeth this morning!
- Sam Brenner: I ate a Tic Tac!
- Admiral Porter: [after watching a Presidential press conference] I don't know what would be worse... them failing, or them actually pulling this off.
- Admiral Porter's Wife: [off screen from another room] What was that, Jim?
- Admiral Porter: [yelling] Can you shut up for five seconds!
- Lemonadie Sadie: [after young Will snatched her bucket of quarters from her lemonade stand] Hey! Come back with that, you hoser!
- [Runs off]
- Lemonadie Sadie: Mom?
- Brenner: [chasing after a rogue centipede] It's been 30 years since I kicked your butt, and It's gonna happen again!