Amityville: Maison des Horreurs

A year or so ago, I decided to binge watch all the Amityville Horror films, or that is, the related-type films to that 1979 original that I could remember seeing in video stores back in the day and find those same movies that went directly to videocassette in that amazing era of the late 1980s through the 1990s.

These were the films that never went to the theater, and were never intended to do so.

Oh, they were all stupid. Every single one of them. All found mostly on the fantastic channel of Tubi (Love Tubi!) All films weak as expected, not scary, with bad story, and mostly poor performances, but still charming in a way with young, up and coming actors, or older actors just trying to stay busy or relevant. I even watched the 1990 version with the exact same title as here, and another version about a haunted lamp, yes, haunted lamp (Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes) it was by and far the worst, and yet neither of these films were close to as bad as this.

This is awful.

Miserable.

It's boring.

Bad acting.

Worse editing. (In the beginning, I couldn't tell if they were moving in or out)

It's bright. Yes, bright. The whole movie is way too lit (and not in a good way!) You can tell they were probably filming at night but blasting in spotlights through the windows to make it look like daytime.

People die unexpectedly and horrifically and none of the characters are frantically trying to reach emergency services or call anybody. Where's law enforcement? Family members and relatives afterwards? A funeral?

The human relationships are unbelievable, from friends to roommates to lovers. There is no chemistry amongst any of the parties involved.

Hey, I know this is low to no budget and it's Amityville #376, but that still doesn't exclude all of the above crimes if not transgressions.

As a matter of fact, this is where those little things like believability and emotional investment could have flourished here on screen.

In searching for this new title of this long, long, longtime franchise, unbelievably (maybe not so unbelievably) I came across other, more intriguing titles than this, such as Amityville Karen (Yes.), and Amityville in Space (Also, a definitive yes.) So, skip this chapter, either watch the 1990 film of the same title (which is so bad, it's good-this is just plain bad-there's a difference!), or watch one of these more interestingly titled recent productions.

We all know this infinite trail of silly sequels will never terrify as the original did.

But this 2023 Amityville Curse is not a horror film, and should you describe it as such to your friends in discussions, when mentioning horror, please place it in air quotes.

I will also note here that I would gladly contribute to any group funding of a future production of Amityville Karen In Space.

The main characters fan girl over the lore and history of the house, taking away from unexpected terror. We know exactly what to expect with this movie. There is no build up to the suspense and you can expect supernatural occurrences at the start of the film. The story takes too long to really tell us any significant background on the group of friends to get us to like them enough to care about their pending demise. When the spooky stuff begins, it's more childs play with no direction. It's jump scare after jump scare. The CGI is very low quality and I feel like there were things they could have done practically with the use of effects makeup.

This film essentially begins with several friends buying the infamous Amityville house with the intention of renovating it in their spare time to resell afterward for a hefty profit. At least, that is their plan. What none of them count on, however, is the nightmares that begin to occur the very first night they stay there--or the strange deaths that occur immediately afterward. Now, rather than reveal any more, I will just say that this remake of the 1990 film was actually a little bit better than the first for a couple of basic reasons. For starters, the writing was a bit more polished. Additionally, the characters were a bit more likeable as well. Of course, that isn't saying much since the none of the characters in the first film were really that likeable to begin with. Where the film suffers, in my opinion, is due to the overall lack of suspense which is almost critical to a horror movie of this type. That being said, while I certainly don't consider this to be a terribly bad film overall, it's not something that impressed me that much either--and I have rated it accordingly. Slightly below average.

I think this is Tubi's effort to prove with a minimal amount of investment that they could make an Amityville film that is still waaaay better than the majority of Amityville cr@pfests that are out there, a lot of them currently in the Tubi roster themselves.

The gore wasn't bad, the blood was the right colour, the special effects were low grade... however, it would have been nice if they made one that isn't a reboot of one of the 'canon' films... even for the sake of parody, like "The Amityville Diaper" or "The Amityville EV" or "The Amityville POTUS"...

and i think anyone who gives this a really low score has not seen any or many of the other mockbusters that continue to be churned out.

The Amityville franchise has always been an "also ran." This movie really showcases why this series is largely ignored. While the idea of a haunted house with a disturbing legacy is a trope, this production is marred by far more weaknesses.

The cast is merely "ok." The characters are a bit of an odd mix of semi-obnoxious to bland. All-told, no character is engaging or memorable - and I'm including the house itself as a character! This movie rests on the laurels of previous history and films, as a kind of narrative shortcut. The dark past of the house is only casually referenced, so viewers are expected to see "the house" as a credible threat by virtue of the other films or folklore.

Once past the opening sequence, the film plods about. The majority of the early chills come from poorly executed jump scares; namely things falling off shelves. A few ghostly whispers are oddly explicit, the words are crystal clear, and just a bit too well-spoken. Rather than conveying vague suggestions or even indecipherable murmurs, the whispers deliver Scrabble-worthy vocabulary.

The special effects are laughable. I am usually quite forgiving of SFX that are restricted by a paltry budget. In the case of "Curse," the money was not well-spent. The ghostly presences are distractingly poorly depicted.

All told, this film is just incompetent. It's not able to build a necessary sense of dread or mystery about the House. The cast are uninteresting, and the chills are poorly executed all around. While the Amityville franchise has never been particularly strong, this entry is a straight-up waste of your time.