Cinquante nuances de Grey

"Fifty Shades of Grey" is based on a badly written book, so why someone thought they could make a decent film out of it is beyond me. Actually I don't think anyone believed they could make a good film, the producers just wanted the money that would come in from all people who for reasons known only to themselves read the book.

I had a free ticket and I had to go in order to do a story on it. Bottom line, I'm not doing a story on it.

Okay, here's the problem, and this is what breaks my heart. We no longer know what good or great is. I am no follower of Ayn Rand, but in The Fountainhead, she predicted the rise of mediocrity, mediocrity being considered great and the norm we shoot for. It only stands to reason that at this point, some things can't even rise to that sad level. This isn't mediocre, it's pathetic. I can't believe there are people complimenting the actors. But then I can, because they have come to accept mediocrity. Something I fight against with all my heart.

There is one other problem. The book sucked; in order to like it, one had to use his or her imagination. The success of this book lay in the fantasy aspect. Sometimes imagination is more powerful than just about anything and can give you an erotic experience. This film doesn't fulfill the most inane imagination, let alone someone who really has a wild and creative one. The only fantasy it can give you is how fast you can get out of the theater.

There were people around me laughing. The ones who weren't left, and from what I found out in the lobby, actually demanded and got their money back. When was the last time you saw people leaving a movie in the middle? I'm not sure I've ever seen it, and I'll guess I've been going to movies longer than a lot of you.

I lament the loss of artistic soul, of creativity, of going for the best. I miss the days when Billy Wilder was a writer and a filmmaker. What are we left with but a horrible book written on a first grade level and the resulting bad movie.

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

** (out of 4)

Rather silly adaptation of the E.L. James best-seller about a shy, timid virgin (Dakota Johnson) who meets the elusive billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Doman) and soon both of their lives change.

Writing a plot synopsis of this thing is pretty pointless since I'm sure the target audience is already going to know the story. I guess this is where I should admit that I haven't read the book so this review won't be comparing the two or complaining about what the movie did or didn't do from the book. No, this review is just going to be based around the actual movie and for the life of me I can't see what all the hype is about. I don't expect everyone laying their money down to be some sort of film buff but the "shocking" material on display here has been going on in European movies for four-plus decades so why it's just now reaching American shores is pretty funny in itself but that's off subject I guess.

As for the film, there are all sorts of major issues with it but we can start with the laughable screenplay, which would have been rejected by the Lifetime channel and in fact, I'm going to guess that it would have been rejected has a five-year-old written it. The dialogue is without question some of the most laughable I've heard in a very long time. In fact, the movie seems to be lost in what decade it is because there are times that the "F" word is used and it's used in a way to where it's supposed to be shocking. Really? It's going to take more than that. The entire character development between the two lead characters is another joke and after a while you really can't buy into any of the melodrama and you've just got to sit back and laugh.

The performances are another problem but then again, even the likes of Marlon Brando and Elizabeth Taylor couldn't work with horrid material so I'm not going to be too harsh on Johnson and Doman. With that said, the lackluster direction by Sam Taylor-Johnson doesn't help either as there are many times where another take should have happened. The scenes with Johnson playing the shy girl just aren't very believable because the actress can't sell it. The scenes of her explaining she's a virgin are laughably bad. Doman really doesn't get much to work with and especially since he can't crack a smile and has to give off dumb, overly-serious facial expressions throughout. I will say that the actors have a nice chemistry together but that's about it. The supporting players are all equally forgettable.

Yet another problem is that the film just isn't erotic. FATAL ATTRACTION, BASIC INSTINCT and even something as silly as BODY OF EVIDENCE are just a few recent films that packed a lot more punch than this one. I mean, is sticking an eraser around your lips really erotic anymore? A lot of the lack of erotic-ness has to be blamed on the director who just seems to have been the wrong fit for the material. Nothing from the erotic nature to the serious stuff works and everything is poorly edited.

So, why the two-stars for all the negative stuff? As bad as the film is, thankfully it reaches the level to where you can't help but laugh and be mildly entertained as to what's going to happen next. Again, I haven't read the book so I don't know which one is better but the film is pretty flat from start to finish.

I was in the mood for a great film about a young girl who meets a successful and seductive businessman with sexy results. This was not the case. This film was purely awful. No one can blame me for not being in the right frame of mind for the cinema, as some reviewers are. They see a film and end up having a bad night and they put the entire blame on the film, this is not the case for me. I was in a positive frame of mind, and really in the mood to see what I thought would be a somewhat good if not better than mediocre film.

This film is about two people who have no chemistry "falling" for each other. "Falling" like off a three story balcony leaving you without the use of your legs for the rest of your life. I'm just going to be blunt. This film is about GLORIFYING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and a little girl in over her head who tolerates it. The man in the relationship, Chris, in a career-ending performance portrayed by Jamie Doormat, is a control-freak who must be in control in everything he does, including the life of his BDSM buddy, Ana.

Not only does he creep onto her, HE BEATS HER, non-consensually while they have intercourse, he stalks her, HE INTIMIDATES HER and he shows no love for her. If this were any other film, he would be the antagonist. If you're in the mood for a movie that shows what true love is, I suggest you see Mrs. Doubtfire, as that film is about a loving family man who shows his dedication and support to his wife, even after they are separated, and his children, by dressing up as an elderly female babysitter.

50 Shades of Brown gets 1/10 stars from me as I am unable to give A BIG FAT ZERO.

This movie, clearly sucks, I personally couldn't recommend it to anyone, it's cringe asf the acting is well, not so good it's pure cheesy garbage.

There was absolutely no chemistry between the main actors.

The sex is about as sensual as a log of wood thrown on the road.

The sets and art direction are excellent and create the perfect ambiance.

The music is all right in terms of theme and pacing.

She was irritating and there were way too many close-ups of her. Neither her features nor her mannerism could hold it.

He was every bit of gorgeous, but with a rather wooden performance; no pun intended, because he's as sensual as last year's sock.

Will I be watching Part II ? NAY.

Will I be reading any of the books ? NAY.