- Daisy Kensington: Why can't we just fly back on the plane?
- Jay Wheeler: Because I violated my probation and you're an escaped mental patient.
- Daisy Kensington: Is that bad?
- Jay Wheeler: Yeah, that's bad.
- Jay Wheeler: What did you do?
- Daisy Kensington: I threw his keys away.
- Jay Wheeler: Why?
- Daisy Kensington: Cuz if you go to jail, we can't be together.
- Jay Wheeler: You are hardcore.
- Daisy Kensington: I am.
- Nurse Susan: You're single because you're an asshole.
- Jay Wheeler: Well, yeah, but an interesting and fun asshole.
- Probation Officer: [reading] Mr. Wheeler has continued to exhibit, through a series of offences, DUI, resisting arrest, criminal speeding, participation in unlicensed gaming, and now aggravated assault, that he is combative, disruptive and has a general disregard for simple rules and regulations. He also seems incapable of obeying the law.
- Jay Wheeler: Whoever wrote that just... just gets me.
- Jay Wheeler: Hey, don't you have somebody locked up in your basement that you need to go torture, or something like that?
- Jay Wheeler: Okay, you're gonna have to drive for a while.
- Daisy Kensington: I don't know how to drive.
- Jay Wheeler: Right.
- Daisy Kensington: My mom said that driving gets you pregnant.
- [first lines]
- Jay Wheeler: [morning after] Hey. Hey, uh, listen, I'm gonna take off. Do you mind locking the door on the way out?
- Pretty Twenty-Something: You *aren't* going to buy me breakfast, are you?