PlutonicLove

Oh, paying money to see a bad imitation of Eisenstein and Kurosawa's greatest works amalgamated with 'Gladiator' and 'Braveheart'? Oh, give me more of that. Overblown set pieces mixed with underwritten expostion? Oooooh, put me in the front row. Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper? Can I trade in my volume of 'Morte D'Arthur' for a tape of 'Kangaroo Jack'? Oh, please, may I? Ooooooooooooooooh!

Oh, Mr. Bruckheimer, why not try a modern, revised remake of 'Spartacus' next, I can't feel the pain yet! Oooooooh, let me anoint your head with scented oils. Membership in the Jerry Bruckheimer Fan Club? Oh, it's dream come true for me. Ooooh...

So, I just saw this Garfield movie recently ("That's your own damn fault", I can almost hear you say) and it is indeed everything the more reputable reviewers have called it, plus a side of fries. From the very first scene on, this Garfield is the polar opposite of his comic book equivalent, talking incessantly, recklessly jumping around, waking Jon so he can make it to work in time (and though he is never seen working, Jon must indubitably have a very cushy job, judging from his at least one million dollar home). Hmmm, I always thought Garfield conserved energy as much as possible.

If this film resembles anything, it's one of those bad Disney talking animal movies from the '60s. Plot modus operandi: Animal with extraordinary abilities is abducted and exploited by evil, greedy big city person, other animals and/or animal owners must come to the rescue. Yawn. I wouldn't even mind the uber-generic plot contrivances if they were spruced up with some decent gags, but you could count this film's laughs on one finger. What Garfield really needed was a punch-up by a bunch of Simpsons writers.

I wouldn't mind buying Chris Beck's fun but rather standard score if I came across it in a bargain bin somewhere, but barring that unlikely scenario I'm likely not going to go out of my way to track down a promo. Still, even his work here remains more of a "Meh!" than a "Hmmm... neat."

From the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episode "The Touch of Satan":

Girl in movie: "I'm possessed by the devil."

Tom Servo: "Michael Eisner?"

It's hard to decide what I hate most about this new "Around the World in 80 Days." From changing Phileas Fogg into a goofy inventor and outcast from his social club (the wager was never about "never inventing again"), to the appalling special effects, to the horrid cameos... it's a very close call! Oh now I know! Dave Stewart singing a particularly nauseating version of "All Around the World" -- "Everybody from every nation, everybody join the celebration..." ARRRHHGHHHH! Afterwards I had to listen to Lipps Inc's "Funkytown" for three hours just to get that bleedin' tune out of my head. When that didn't do the trick I tried Michael Sembello's "Maniac", but still no luck. Only sweet, sweet mead could soothe the pain caused by this latest Disney excretion. Oh, sweet, tasty mead, shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate, more exquisite and more pleasant, more divine and more balmy -- all in all the smoothest, and best tasting Ren Fest wine ever made! Long has this fine concoction been unavailable to aficionados in many parts of the country -- especially here in dreary old Atlanta -- but fear not, for the Bargetto online winery is here for the rescue, ready to deliver delicious Chaucer's Mead to your home at the touch of a button. To paraphrase the Bard, the delivery is swift, and flies with a swallow's wings. It's not just for peasants anymore!

Anyway, I think my point is pretty obvious: Avoid this film at all costs!