zmaturin

After shocking the world with the ground-breaking "Appreciating our Parents", director Ted Peshak returned with his most controversial work, "What to do on a Date". This film stunned audiences with it's brazen sexuality and the use of the word "Weenie". Impotent man-child Nick ignores social mores and takes nebbishy girl-toy Kate on a white-hot date organizing the local rummage sale. Dusty lamps, Cokes, and streamers lead to hot, hot lovin'.

Peshak was ostrasized from the directing community for this brave, electrifying work which dared to combine fantasy and reality and pubescent yearning. He tried to curry the public's favor with more pedestrian efforts like "Improve your Personality" and "Good Table Manners", but nothing doing. "What to do on a Date" branded him a nonconformist, and Peshak died, alone and penniless, in a Hollywood dumpster (reviewer's speculation).

From director Tom Holland ("Child's Play") comes this tale of bisexual vampire Jerry Dandridge (Chris Sarandon of "The Princess Bride") who butts heads with his neighbor Charlie Brewster (William Ragsdale of "Herman's Head" fame). "Married With Children" star Amanda Bearse has the tough task of pretending to find Charlie attractive (a job that would be tough enough for a straight woman) and Roddy "Laserblast" McDowall is Cushing Price, I mean, Peter Vincent, a late-night horror host who Charlie enlists in his battle against Jerry. Too bad the movie doesn't take place in Cleaveland, or else the Ghoul could have been the fearless vampire killer.

It starts out like a lame "Goosebumps" episode, but gets progressively cooler, climaxing with some great gore effects. I love movies where people are really, really scared, like Don Knotts, and McDowall is great in that capacity.

Stephen Geoffreys is pretty good as Evil Ed, and he went on to star in Robert Englund's "976-Evil" as well as "Gay Men In Uniform", "Cock Pit", "Transsexual Prostitues 1 AND 2", "Latin Crotch Rockets", and "Mechanics Bi Day, Lube Job Bi Night". Despite his gay porn career, he's still more respectible than William Ragsdale, who went on to do "Mannequin 2: On the Move".

This really poor James Bond rip-off stars Sean Connery's talentless, charismaless, weird-faced brother Neal, my candidate for the Lowest Self Esteem award (beating even Clint Howard!). Neal plays "Dr. Neal Connery", a plastic surgeon, hypnotist, lip reader, and kung-fu fighter (what, is he Buckaroo Banzai?). Constant references are made to Neal's brother (although not by name, as that might cost money) as Neal takes part in a stunningly uninteresting, slightly diabolical plot to do... something, I think. Action includes a bow-and-arrow fight and a "Every Which Way But Loose"-style brawl at one of Connery's live surgery demonstrations.

Adding to the shame are Bond regulars Bernard Lee (more attractive than Judi Dench as M) and Lois Maxwell (Miss Moneypenny), as well as Daniela Bianchi ("From Russia With Love") and Adolfo Celi (of "Thunderball"- and "Diabolik"!).

Not to be watched by people with functioning eyes, although the music's pretty good.