Messe noire

Just how bad can a film be when the main force of evil is a herd of killer PIGS from Hell???? The story is way too silly to be horrifying, the dialogue is pretty laughable, the acting mostly reeks, and the production values are super-cheap! In other words, it's bad movie heaven....one of those "so bad, it's good!" guilty pleasures that you laugh AT as much as WITH.

And of course, it stars Clint Howard....what more needs to be said?

This craptacular piece of 80's horror is especially recommended in case you're interested seeing Clint Howard star in a leading role for a change. You know him, he's the irritating and goofy looking dude who often appears as a meaningless side-character in even more meaningless horror films (The Dentist part two, the Humanoids from the Deep TV-remake etc…) I doubt many people are fascinated by his career but 'Evilspeak' is amusing to watch, nevertheless. The plot is an umpteenth variant on the favorite 80's theme where the nerdish school kid who always gets picked on avenges himself. Clint shines as the loser in this case, an unfortunate military cadet always punished by his teachers and an easy target for the other, more successful cadets. 'Evilspeak' goes beyond the standard horror format when ancient demons are summoned through a computer in the basement (?) and the whole thing becomes completely hilarious when hungry, filthy-looking pigs are used as murder weapons. Although not an intended trump for a horror film, 'Evilspeak' is incredibly funny! Especially the last 10 minutes are a must in case you're in desperate need of a laugh. The climax is exaggeratedly gore, with an outrageous Clint Howard chopping off heads in a church and unleashing pigs upon his hated classmates. Cheesy make-up effects and a deranged protagonist. Sometimes that's all there is needed to brighten up your mood.

An army cadet is bullied by four other students and some authority figures. One day he is sent to clean the old church basement as a punishment and, while there, he finds a secret room which contains an ancient Satanic Mass book. He discovers that passages from it can reincarnate a 16th century Satanist called Esteban. Using a computer, he revives Esteban and has bloody revenge on all those from the academy who have wronged him.

Evilspeak was another early 80's horror movie that found itself onto the UK video nasty list. These were the films considered so offensive that they threatened the moral fabric of Britain back in the day. As a result it was banned and, naturally, has benefited ever since from the notoriety. Like most on that list it's difficult to understand what all the fuss was about with this one. If anything it proves that the censors back then were a spectacularly over-sensitive and humourless group of people. Because it's well-nigh impossible to see how they could have thought anyone could have taken this film seriously enough to then go out and commit acts of violence. This is a film about a possessed computer after all. It features a horde of man-eating pigs and has a climax where the hero floats through the air wielding a big sword. To my knowledge, none of these things has ever cropped up in the news in the years since Evilspeak was released.

How is it as a film? It's fun, if nothing too impressive. It takes it's time to get to the horror stuff to be fair, although this does allow for more character development. The main guy Clint Howard (Ron's brother) is pretty decent and is a guy that's easy to root for. The film is essentially a nerd revenge flick and the bullies are an appalling bunch of cretins. So you are willing them to be dispensed with in as nasty a way as possible. And to be fair, the climax is pretty good with all manner of gory mayhem ensuing. Evilspeak is kind of a hybrid of Carrie with early 80's computer technology...with demon pigs thrown in for good measure. It's one of those horror films from the time that is kind of crazed but pretty imaginative, so it's easy to get onside with this one.

An orphaned boy at a military academy in SoCal (Clint Howard) is harassed, so he uses a computer in the dark basement of the citadel to conjure up evil power for succor.

The curious title of "Evilspeak" (1981) was derived from the phrase "computer-speak," obviously because the kid uses an old computer to work his black magic. The flick attempts to be the male version of "Carrie" (1976) just switching from telekinetic powers to devilish witchcraft. Unfortunately, it lacks the coherence, weightiness and power of that 70's horror hit.

There's something about the storytelling that holds it back. The basic plot of a youthful outcast getting even with his/her tormentors is a surefire foundation, but the way it's told is not very compelling, which I suppose isn't helped by the muddled diabolic gobbledygook and the hint of cheesy bemusement.

The stunning Lynn Hancock stands out in the feminine department as a secretary at the school, Miss Friedemeyer. Lynn experimented with acting a handful of times in 1980-1982 before leaving the profession for other pastures. A few other notable lasses appear during a beauty contest for the cadets.

The movie officially runs 1 hour, 37 minutes, but there are several cuts of the film available. It was shot at Saint Anthony Seminary in Santa Barbara, California, as well as Chatworth, which is about 55 miles east in northwestern Los Angeles.

GRADE: C.

The much maligned "Evilspeak" actually struck me as an excellent horror movie in the early '80s, shortly before it was banned in the UK and listed on the infamous "nasties" list. Watching this again last night in its uncut format, my view of the film has changed significantly over the years! The film still has a few things going for it. The performances aren't bad and Clint Howard is always interesting to watch, there's a touch of nudity to appeal to the "t&a fans", the effects are bloody and the soundtrack by Roger Kellaway is impressive. On the downside, the film's pace is somewhat plodding and the film could have been edited down to a leaner and meaner tale.

Sexy Miss Friedemeyer (Lynn Hancock) remains a most watchable screen siren and her demise at the jaws of hungry pigs is a delightfully gruesome set-piece.

6 out of 10. Not as bad as people make out but still a turkey.