Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island

Hey, guys! You lookin' for a movie to watch while the women are crying over "The English Patient" in the rec room? Well, here's a rent for your own personal "you" time.

"Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island" won't have to worry about being cluttered with Oscars or the Palm D'Or. No one in this movie will have to worry about tuxedo rental for those long, boring "Betterment of Motion Pictures" dinners, nor will this film be mentioned in the same breath with words such as perfection, cerebral, Steven Spielberg or the phrase "cuddle-time".

Seems three extra-terrestrial babes crash their spaceship on a planet where lizards masquerade as dinosaurs, bikini-clad women dance around, hunky guys in loin-cloths drool and paw and some maniacal twerp named James T. Renford II (Rose) officiates over the whole thing. Oh, did I mention the sex scenes?

The girls are certainly worth looking at over and over and OVER AND OVER again...sorry, where was I? Oh yes, especially one in particular named Xena (pre-Lucy Lawless? Hmmm....) who is played by one Sarah Bellomo, whom many of you guys (who will admit it, anyway) will also recognize as Roxanne Blaze, star of a couple of racy XXX flicks. At least she has no issues about nudity, eh? And when the girls growl happily, "we do EVERYTHING together", what more could you want in a film - I ask you, WHAT??!

Otherwise, the FX are as cheesy as it gets, the plot is no more sophisticated than your average high school locker room, the dialogue makes you yearn for the silent film days and if there were ever another actor more silly/annoying than Guy Payne is in here, they must still be studying the Strasberg method at Cambridge.

So, what is this film, other than sex, nudity, titillation and more sex? Nothing.

Get it at once.

Six stars, for obvious reasons. Anyone for "Beach Babes 3"? Anyone?

Odd venture from David DeCoteau under the Full Moon (and then Torchlight banner). DeCoteau pretty much avoids the homo-erotic moments from virtually all his other films, the men are camp but generally very keen on ladies and every couple of minutes we are privy to another 'epic' scene of camera-centric sexual adventure. There is a plot about the 3 alien women coming to a random USA beach and a mad man on the island who wants to have them in his own money making theme park kind of attraction but generally the story is poor and the sex though nicely filmed and set to a funky score soon becomes tedious. Former porn star Sara Bellomo is the prettiest of the girls and actually a convincing performer in the non-sexual scenes. This was one of the first remotely erotic films I ever saw (on holiday no less) and because of this it holds a special place in my, ummm, heart. However if there is no 'emotional' tie it sadly, really is not very good.

You can't ask for a better sweat factory than this chewy delight from naughtyland. An awesome sex scene every 10 minutes that lasts exactly 4, heck, you can practically set your watch by it. You can't ask for a better movie on Cinemax at 3:15am.

As I stood naked in the darkness of my cold rec room watching this suger-coated circus at 3:45 in the morning, I cried at the power and boldness that this ripe fruity gem poured out on me. The glow shined through the 21 inch screen and lit up the room and my naked body, illuminating every shadow that it casted off of the objects that accompanied me and grew stronger with every frame of sparkling radiance. Every now and then I think back to my time of watching this salty pebble and wonder if it was all a dream, or maybe a mere fantasy that took over and made me Brock Landers for 82 minutes of fluffy floating. -***1/2 stars

The basis for this review is the Full Moon DVD.

The steamy scenes have been (mostly) reduced to a series of T&A shots, which is still nice to see, but disappointing. A company called 88 Films, based in the UK, has released an uncut DVD. Before you decide to buy that disc, make sure your setup can accommodate the Region requirements and the NTSC-PAL conversion.

The manner in which the steamy scenes are edited is a bit unusual. Some of it was done via looped footage from the same scene, but mostly they did it by inserting footage of Luna and Sola dancing in slow motion, either on the beach or in the cavewoman village. Longtime fans may be wondering about the infamous "banana scene." It's still there...kind of. Only the first 15 seconds or so is shown, then it cuts to dancing.

This sequel is polarizing. Some people who enjoyed the first movie don't like it, but I did. I will admit that it loses some of the charming, goofy sense of fun that makes the first "Beach Babes" appealing. Even so, I really enjoy watching this film...if I have the time, I watch both of them back to back. One thing I liked is the dancing at the end, as the credits are rolling. Why? Honestly, I'm not sure. Maybe because everyone seems so happy and carefree. It's infectious.

I believe a lot of the problems can be traced back to time and money. "Beach Babes" had a ten day filming schedule, and a budget of $250,000 - $300,000. "Cave Girl Island" had only a five day filming schedule, and a small percentage of that budget. The lack of time and money is obvious not only in the physical aspects of production, but the quality of the script...in short, it's all over the place. I wouldn't be surprised if the cast/crew were just making stuff up as they went along. For example, several characters mention escaping a volcanic eruption, but nothing of the sort is even implied on screen.

The plot (such as it is) can be a bit difficult to follow, but the description on the back of the DVD case provides a pretty good outline. Almost nothing is said about the events of the first movie, aside from a brief mention of Malibu by Luna. The beautiful Sarah Bellomo (Xena) is the only original cast member who returned. It's a real shame Dave DeCoteau couldn't get the old cast together again. The interweb says that a third movie was planned, but abandoned.

A/V quality of this disc is okay. Nothing to brag about, but still very watchable. There is no VideoZone feature. I don't know if that's because TorchLight / Full Moon never made one, or they chose not to include it.

It may seem as though I'm putting the movie down, but that is not the case. I regard my purchase as money well spent, and I like sitting back, relaxing, and watching "Cave Girl Island." If any Full Moon people happen to read this: please release a Director's Cut BD. "Beach Babes" was awesome; having the sequel on BD would be a dream come true. Failing that, an unrated cut on DVD would be nice.