Laid to Rest

That second star is for Stephen, who was the one character that made this monstrosity slightly bearable. Not that he's much of a character, but at least his particular brand of idiocy is the sort that draws a grudging smile out of a horror fan. He certainly has the best lines of anyone in the movie. A car in a horror flick that can only go forty miles an hour is a new one on me, and kind of funny.

Also mildly hilarious is the fact that the convenience store is clerked by a Justin Bieber look-alike.

Apart from that, there is absolutely nothing to see here. The gore gets points for being the right color, texture and coming with a minimum of stupid slurpy noises... it LOOKS better than average, but the killer and the director screw it up by not really seeming to understand how a knife is actually used. (But then, I like for the execution in excessive gore to make SENSE if at all possible--helps justify it. What can I say, I'm picky.) People who only care about the blood'n'guts bit will like it well enough.

The plot is virtually non-existent; the heroine, while not unlikeable, has no personality and is impossible to give a crap about; the acting is god-awful even by horror's already-low standards; the characters' decisions are stupid even by horror's already-low standards... and possibly worst of all, the final confrontation with the killer sickeningly reminds one of the one in "The House By The Cemetery."

Nasty... just nasty.

My first reaction to the first few minutes of Laid to Rest was that it was a cheap, no-budget horror film typical of the direct-to-video nonsense that you so often see populating the new release wall at the video store. Well, that I remember seeing on the new release wall at the video store, anyway. It's been a couple yeas since I've lived in the states and even longer since Netflix left me with any reason to ever visit a video store, but back in 2004 or so I used to have that monthly no-limit rental service at both Blockbuster and Hollywood Video and for a brief period I tried to keep up with ALL of the new movies, which included this horizonless stream of train wrecks that seemed to come out of nowhere.

And in many ways, that's what Laid to Rest is, but in some interesting other ways, it's not. Yeah it's true that the story is a prime example of mind-numbing pointlessness, but it would be a mistake to relegate the thing to the dark world of bottom shelf obscurity. Sort of. You see, there's not a scrap of originality or significance to the movie, but it is a perfect example of something bigger that is happening around us in the movie world at large.

80 years ago, movie-going audiences would have been shocked out of their chairs to see a man and a woman kiss on screen. Hell, 50 years ago they were still pretty uncomfortable with it. 10 years ago, even the most brutally violent horror movies more often than not showed the KILLER during the kill scenes, as movie blood sprayed all over them. Then Scream came along (by the way, true story – just this second I mis-typed "Scream" and it accidentally came out "Scarem." Interesting.) and we saw the hugely famous Drew Barrymore get stabbed in the chest in the opening scene. No cutaway or anything, remember that? The movie briefly goes into slow motion and audiences the world over were shocked that we were actually looking at this knife going into this girl's chest. I'd been watching scary movies for years by that point and even I was pretty amazed. Strangely, to this day it is still a scene that makes me a little uncomfortable.

Now, on the other hand, such a thing is as tame as those monster movies that had people jumping out of their chairs in the 1950s, so we get movies like Laid to Rest which, if you were to show it to some of those audiences, would probably flood the theaters with heart attack victims. There is no cutting away here, man. Not by a long shot and it's going to be a pretty good idea for you to be well aware of that before you start watching it.

Such a movie could never be released in wide theatrical release, you understand, but that's the huge shift that's taking place in the movie world right now. Making movies is getting easier, nearly to the point where any jerk with a camera and a computer can get a movie made as long as he can find someone to distribute it. Of course, it's to be expected that these movies are almost uniformly awful, and Laid to Rest is a prime example. It's pretty bad, but these things are getting better and they're only going to continue to get better as people learn to make better and better movies with simpler equipment, at which point the direct-to- video market will grow and improve, and the important thing is that all of this will happen beyond the grasp of the censorship-happy MPAA.

The result, of course, is that we get movies like Laid to Rest which feature nothing but the grotesque developments of pushing the violence envelope, which is really all that this movie does. Like literally. The movie has absolutely nothing to it except violence, which is why all this stuff about the MPAA came to my mind.

There is no backstory to the killer in the movie whatsoever, or really any backstory to the story itself. Some big-breasted brunette wakes up in a closed casket, no idea who she is or why she's there. She manages to knock the thing over and escape, but before she gets out of the funeral home she witnesses a man wearing a chrome skull mask brutally kill another man, and then the killer comes after her.

Why does he want to kill her? Who knows? Who cares? Any explanation would just waste time. We understand that this is a slasher movie, and this particular slasher movie has no interest in such time-wasting things as character depth or coherent story structure. The important thing is that for the rest of the movie he relentlessly pursues her, viciously killing anyone who gets in his way with a serrated, double-edged knife.

Gore hounds will be highly impressed, as the movie is astonishingly and graphically bloody. We get sustained shots of the killer sawing away at various body parts, and one scene where we the central cast pops the lids off of a succession of coffins, revealing some of the killer's past kills, which he has taken the time to save, for future reference, let's say. I won't go into any details about the state of the victims in the coffins, let's just say that they are one of many reasons that the movie is not for the faint of heart, or the squeamish, or really anyone who, for example, would feel some hesitation at taking up the opportunity to do a little dissecting work on a human cadaver. But the rest of you are going to love it

If you are looking for some pretty graphic and realistic gore porn, this does the job. The fx are well done and really make you cringe with all the various cerated edge knife slayings. The killer is pretty cool with all his gadgets, he kinda reminds me of Deadpool from Marvel Comics (X-Men Origins: Wolverine). Accept instead of two katana blades he has two shiny knives as his main killing devices. Yeah the plot is full of gaping holes but its a fun movie if you're into this type of thing. The acting is decent, and the main female role is actually pretty humorous with how stupid some of the lines are. I recommend it for the kills.

"Laid to Rest" (2009), is a classic slasher film; facial deformity, mask, big knife, final girl, and all. People run, people hide, people die immediately after they have done something endearing or redeeming. Everyone tries to figure out who the killer is or why he is killing folks. Acting by Lena Kathren Headey (who later became famous as Cersei Lannisfer) largely carried the acting side of the film (think Jamie Lee Curtis in that other series). The kills were often essentially off-camera and there was not much gore (bar for the final kill). I could not really pick up on suspense building, but that is often par for the course for slasher films. In short, it was a pretty run of the mill slasher and gets a run of the mill.

Let me get this out of the way. If you like gore please see (possibly buy) this movie. This movie has some of the best (practical?, if it was all CGI I couldn't tell except for a few scenes) gore effects in recent years. A kill in this movie is easily a front runner for kill of the year. The acting was okay, and fans of people under the stairs will be happy to see Roach getting some work in a horror flick. I think its pretty well shot. This leads me to the plot............oh the horror.

The writing in this movie is possibly the dumbest I have ever seen in my 15+ years of watching horror movies. The characters do so many stupid things that it actually hurts the movie...........I can't believe I am saying this. I can usually appreciate horror movies just for the gore but this plot was just too much. Stupid decisions topped by even more stupid decisions. There is a plot twist in the movie that is less of a twist than it is a fun fact. This was just awful, it was like one of those internet stories where dozens of users write it one individual page/paragraph at a time.

So in short, great gore, worst story ever. Myself and my buddies have watched the gore parts on this movie several times, but none of us can stomach the real horror, the plot.