Return to Splatter Farm

Thirty three years passed between Mark Polonia's SOV gore film Splatter Farm and this sequel, during which time he directed plenty of other films; you would think he would have improved a lot over the space of three decades, but judging by Return to Splatter Farm, he's actually lost what little skill he had in the first place.

A good slasher usually features attractive people being sliced and diced in creative and gory ways by an iconic killer. Polonia's film features ugly people being offed in lazy and unimaginative ways by a lame maniac (played by Polonia's co-director and writer of this garbage, Jeff Kirkendall), with some truly pathetic special make-up effects.

The film sees Bobbi (Danielle Donahue) and her friends visiting the titular farm, the young woman having recently inherited the place. While there, they are attacked one-by-one by Jeremy, the killer from the first film, who has been living on the farm, bumping off any passers-by.

The acting is diabolical, the direction is basic, and the editing is awful. In addition to the bargain basement gore, Polonia and Kirkendall get two of the 'actresses' to strip for the camera: Jennie Russo as big-breasted middle-aged nympho Gina, and Mel Heflin, who plays Liz, an overweight redhead with delusions that she is sexy (if her skin was green, she'd be Princess Fiona's less attractive sister).

Nowhere near as much fun as the original movie, which had more gore and a certain demented charm about it, Return to Splatter Farm is unforgivably dull and utterly inept (the scene in which lank-haired loser Gopher is hit by lightning being the worst moment).

1.5/10, rounded down to 1 for the terrible theme song.

If you've watched a Polonia brothers film before, then you know they have a certain vibe to them. If you get it, then you understand why they are such a fun time. Some are better than others, but this my friends...is a masterpiece.

First things first, the runtime. A perfect 71 mins. It doesn't take long for the carnage to start, and when it does it never stops. The acting all around from the cast was pretty decent, for a slasher flick vibe. They hit all the right notes on the 80s tone it seemed to be going for. Great music (especially the return to Splatterfarm theme song at the end) I often catch my roommates and myself singing it around the house.

Now the kills. In true polonia fashion, the kills didn't disappoint. However, they did try some new things that I was NOT prepared for. For example in Bigfoot Vs Zombies there was someone being ripped apart by zombies. When his organs were being torn out, if you had a keen eye you could tell it was just a red shirt. In this film, something similar is happening but they didn't use a shirt... it was clearly a nice sausage (probably from the farm I bet). Anyways, all of the kills were creative and fun.

Now onto the plot. Well, we don't watch these movies for that now do we.

Theirs really only one more thing to discuss with this film, and that's Jeff Kirdendall's performance as the killer. He really brought it for this movie. He definitely took some risks acting wise, but they paid off big time. Easily his best performance to date, and I've seen like 8 of his movies.

So yeah, definitely check this out and support these guys. There is something really Wholesome about them, and if you include a friend and a fun substance. You might just find yourself making an IMDb account and writing a review. 10/10.

As a professional actor I can tell you right now the first opening scene of the movie was done very theatrical with elements of the farm used from green screen (look behind the girl wearing glasses, you'll notice.) Also the two actors in this opening scene clearly are using queue cards to prompt them with their lines. This is what you call 'bad acting.'

Beyond the opening scene I couldn't watch much further. I give it another 10 minutes and then just turned off. The fake blood was just as bad! I don't know what was used but it just didn't even look remotely effective.

Whatever these people were paid to act in this, it was too much.

If you have zero brain cells and want to lose more, then this is your film.

Only the cover of the film is worth looking at.