Iron Soldier

that this movie is titled "Captain USA - The Iron Soldier" here in Germany. Everyone who paid attention to this piece of c**p (and I pity every soul who witnessed Iron Soldier) should have noticed that its plot is, in fact, set in Canada. One "important" guy even wears a uniform with "Canada" on it and you clearly can recognize the Canadian flag near the end of the movie.

Wait? That's a review? Yes it is! This text started as a comment but I quickly realized that this little anecdote sums up the overall quality of the movie very well. If you have friends who consider Uwe Boll the worst director ever, you should introduce them to His Infernal Majesty of Bad Filmmaking: Brett Kelly (the guy who made Rise of the Black Bat would be a candidate worthy of mention, too).

Seriously: This movie isn't full of plot holes, its plot is one gigantic hole and I'm still searching for the edge. Bad acting. Bad writing. Bad directing. You there, reading this review! Imagine if we team up and try to make a movie with a few friends who are interested in participating in it. We don't really have a script, we just shoot it. Guess what? It would be award-worthy compared to Iron Soldier (unless you are as artistically skilled as Ashton Kutcher).

I'd regret the fact that I paid 0,99€ (1,23 USD, 11/29) for it if it weren't as humiliatingly entertaining as it was.

Greetings from Germany & keep enjoying the trash, fellows

IRON SOLDIER opens with dramatic music, thundering dramatically! "Soldiers" in green T-shirts and camouflage pajama pants, are busy firing toy guns, while field-testing a new "robot" from the local dollar store's giant, plastic dingus department.

Oh No!

"Terrorists" equipped with similar toy armaments, break into the super secret facility and abscond with the dingus, leaving only dead scientists in their wake.

Enter General Brooks (schlock omni-god, Joe Estevez), in a Bride Of Frankenstein wig, who assembles a strike team to reacquire the dingus.

Enter Major John Arbor (Derick Fage), who is called in due to his being the only one who can operate the dingus.

TWO BURNING QUESTIONS AT THIS POINT: #1- Where's that dingus, so it can start killing these people? #2- Who trained the squirrels that filmed this abomination?

Watch! As a helicopter turns into a cartoon before crashing!

See! People running sideways, due to the squirrels' inability to hold the camera with their tiny hands!

Witness! The "terrorists"' futile attempts to match their toy guns against the dingus' "laser beam"!

More tilted camera shots can mean only one thing. It's time to feed the squirrels!

In the annals of sub-sludge, ultra-dreck cinema, this "film" shall forever be known -in squirrel Latin- as: Turdus Elephantus.

ONE QUESTION REMAINS: How many squirrels can dance on top of an acorn? Surely, the dingus knows...