Porkchop

This film truly sucks, don't listen to the long review. he must work for them or something. I was bored enough to sit through the entire monstrous mess and if there was any way of me getting this time back I would take it. I can't begin to explain how many levels this film fails on. To list them all would take someone even more bored than I am now - and believe me - for me to be bothered to write this - if you knew me - you would know that this is really really bad.

All I can do is write this review in the hope it may save some of you people making the same mistake as I did.

If this is meant to be some sort of 'parody' it fails because at the end of the day its not entertaining and the actors 'pretend' wooden-ness just comes across as plain old wooden-ness.

You have been warned. Watch at your peril!!

This is the first movie that i grade with 1! 1! And only because there is no 0! Now start reading and read carefully! Look at a trailer, see how this rubbish thing is filmed, and if by any chance whatsoever, dunno how but you still want to check it out, here are the reasons why NOT to do so:

1. The camera work: if the trailer looks good, then it is edited like nothing i have ever seen in my life. Rarely does one get to film with a phone and call it "art" but here, this guy got lucky! Really lucky! 2. The acting: there is NONE! That is not acting, they could have read from the scrip directly and it would have looked better. 3. Gore: that is gore? If any of you is truly afraid of ketchup and some expired paint, OK, maybe you will get a kick from this. 4. Dialogue: i can't even begin to describe it.

Trust me, i could go on forever, seriously, first, CHECK THE TRAILER OUT, look how it is filmed, I DO BELIEVE IN INDEPENDENT MOVIES, especially horror, BUT IT IS JUST NOT THE CASE! Watch an old Scooby Doo episode, by far, faaaar better than this! Dear God i pray that you read my comment first and not the other one, probably posted by someone who was involved in the making of the "movie"!

Well, I'd been kind of looking forward to seeing this movie, as it had a cool hand drawn cover of the title character and the tagline bragged of 80's style horror. I was really hoping that I'd have some fun with this film, so I decided to pop it in tonight and see what it was all about. Well, what it seemed to be all about was breaking the cardinal rule of low budget horror films: Do Not Be Boring!

Porkchop is a no-budget movie shot on video, and it starts off terribly with an awful heavy metal tune titled "Porkchop" running over the opening credits of real footage of pigs being butchered in a slaughterhouse. As far as disturbing, or gross, this would be the highlight of the film.

It's the classic tale of getting a group of buddies together to go on a camping trip out in the woods where a rural legend just happens to still be around. We have six "buddies", and one robot. You heard me right, a robot is among the cast for the entire movie, spouting off terrible one liners and being the most annoying of all of the annoying characters in the movie. That's another big no-no that this movie has in store for us. There is not one character to root for in the film. Not one of them would we miss if they ended up on the end of Porkchop's chainsaw. The only thing that seemed to matter to me was hoping that all of the female characters got topless at least once. That one wish was almost fulfilled, as our lead female character does not lose her clothes during the film.

There were some characters that were so bad at acting that I wondered if there was even a script being used at some points. Some of the lines being read, or made up were so poorly acted that I wanted to hide my face in shame for them. I sure hope they got paid well, but somehow I doubt it. Taking a camera into the woods, and filming your friends trying to do scary things can be fun for the people doing it, but not always fun for the people that get to watch what you've made out of it.

The film had no sense of urgency, no atmosphere, no tension, and worst of all, no action at all until the one hour mark. Any attempts among the characters to make any type of jokes or humor fall completely flat. The only interesting time I had was during the campfire scene when the legend of Porkchop was told. It seemed to be the only part of the movie that drew me in for a few minutes, and was quickly discarded as the characters reverted back to their boring nature after that one scene was completed. No matter how many times the actors referenced different 80's icons, it did not look or feel anything like an 80's film like it had been advertised as. And seeing female teenage (supposedly) characters with tattoos and tramp stamps didn't help create any 80's vibe either.

Yes, this film was a disappointment for a lot of reasons. As little as I could let myself get into the film, I still saw mistakes that the filmmakers must have seen themselves and didn't want to, or couldn't afford to fix. A girl has no flashlight in one scene, then suddenly she has one in the next. Even so bad as to start a kill with a long handled buzz saw, and finish the scene with the killer holding a chainsaw. Inexcusable. There is no reason at all that you should need to see this film, unless you choose morbid curiosity, and then you'll just be torturing yourself.

Porkchop is an uninspired, flaccid mess and i want my money back!. I love monster movies but there is nothing positive to say about this awful thing. Horrendous acting and poor cinematography are only the tip of the iceberg. If the dialogue wasn't totally improvised on the spot then the writing may be the worst I have ever experienced. If you like parody, comedy or horror, AVOID the hell out of this embarrassing pile of pig poo. I would give it NO stars if IMDb would let me. Stick with Motel Hell or Slaughterhouse if you want a killer in a pig mask. Or try Madison County, a movie that is pretty awful but is still miles ahead of Porkchop. Much of the plot and style are ripped off from other, more talented movie makers, only filtered through the minds of those with no talent, originality or creativity. Reading the few positive reviews above, I must assume they were written by cast and crew members. This is the only explanation I can imagine that would result in any one NOT trashing this putrid excuse for entertainment. I would normally say nice try to the film makers, but having viewed their " work " I'm guessing they either didn't try or they are untalented to the extreme. Just because you CAN make a movie doesn't mean you SHOULD. Stick with your day jobs, folks and leave the art to the artists!!

Not a bad little movie, especially considering the budget, have seen far worse, that have spent far more. I actually enjoyed the music in this one and found myself humming along a couple of times. Yes it's a silly plot with dodgy special effects, but that's part of the fun. I didn't expect much from this movie and was pleasantly surprised that I liked it.