How to Kill Monsters

It's a comedy-horror in which some dumb criminals and some even dumber cops must band together to battle Lovecraftian monsters. The lead actress does an admirable job. The effects are very low-budget; they're either practical or "we know you know it's really bad CGI, fuggadaboudit," both of which fit this type of movie nicely.

The problem is simply that the humor isn't funny. The script tries. The performers try. They were clearly going for a mix of madcap wackiness and deadpan British snark. The jokes land a few times (the best lines are already given away in the trailer); the vast majority of the time they just don't, despite the best efforts of an affable cast.

Director Stewart Sparkle's 2023 feature film is a kind of follow up to his earlier film 'Book of Monsters'. On Halloween Jamie (Lyndsey Crane) is found in a cabin in the woods with a chainsaw, covered in blood, and with her friends chopped up all around her. Taken to a police station for questioning she claims it was a monster from the beyond wot done it. But then - with police laughter still ringing in her ears - strange things start happening. Written by Sparkle with Paul Butler this is a gore filled supernatural monster horror comedy, which fortunately doesn't take itself too seriously. Hokum, with some rather annoying cops - one of them played by Johnny Vivash (him again!).

This was the second movie that I watched at Nightmares Film Festival. I got to see the United States premiere of this film. What intrigued me was that at a previous year for this festival, I watched Book of Monsters. It features the same creative team and actors. I thought this might be a sequel of sorts, but this is just using a similar title. Ahead of this, I followed the Instagram page and was excited to check this out.

Synopsis: the sole survivor of a blood-drenched massacre must team up with a rag-tag bunch of rookie cops and lawbreakers to defend a police station from an invasion of monsters from another dimension.

Here we start in a cabin in the woods. We see the ending of a ritual that results in everyone being killed, except for Jamie (Lyndsey Craine). She cuts her way out of the door with a chainsaw and is then taken into custody. She doesn't realize this at first. After getting cleaned up, she is then interrogated by Dara (Johnny Vivash) and Melvin (Daniel Thrace). They don't believe her story and think that she killed everyone there. She is taken to a holding cell and shares it with Big Jenny (Rebecca-Clare Evans).

In these cells, we see her being joined by a bachelorette party. Blair (Fenfen Huang) is the bride. Her maid of honor is Chelsea (Michaela Longden), but they're not getting along. She has a shadow who agrees with everything in Crystal (Louella Gaskell). There is also Ruth (Juné Tiamatakorn) who is vomiting. In another cell is Tinny G (Nicholas Vince). Helping here is Dennis (Arron Dennis). He believes that Jamie is innocent but can't prove it.

What we learn later is that Dennis and Melvin are brothers. Together, they go to visit Casey (Yvonne Okyere) who is the lab tech. The 'eldritch blade' artifact that was used in the ritual is brought here and she is analyzing it. Jamie tries telling the cops that they need to stop or it is going to spell their doom. That is what happens when Casey reopens the door and monsters attack this police station. It is another fight for survival for Jamie. Not everything is as it seems though as this place is plunged into another dimension.

That is where I'm going to leave my recap and introduction to the characters. Where I want to start is that this movie doesn't have the deepest story. It also doesn't need one either. It's built on the practical effects of the monsters. These are on point. I was warned before this started that this goes bloody and gooey, which it doesn't disappoint there. We are even getting heavy Lovecraftian vibes which also had me smiling in the theater.

Where I want to start delving a bit more into would be this being a standalone and not a sequel. I'm not going to hold it against the movie by any stretch. How they ended that first one though made me want to see the adventures of Sophie. There are elements that seem like cross-overs though. Something happens at the end that I think is a connection with certain individuals. I did like that. What I will give credit to though is that it allowed Craine to take on a different character, Jamie, develop it and give a good performance.

Now that is out the way, let's get over to the best part of the movie in my opinion and it is the Lovecraftian stuff. We are dealing with elder gods and they are considered demons here. We have the eldritch blade that is used to bring these entities forward. Eldritch is part of the Lovecraft mythos. I'm pretty sure I saw a Cthulu sighting in this movie. I'd also say that the monsters that attack in the cabin and holding cells area fits that vibe as well. I'll bring up once more that they did all they could with the practical effects and they look wonderful. Special credit to that. Even the CGI used wasn't bad. It was used for things that just couldn't be done and that's how it should be in my opinion.

The last parts of the story is just that I love using this police station in the United Kingdom as our setting. They don't have guns to fight back with, which is interesting to see as an American. I like the fact that they find weapons in the evidence room and things that you'd find in buildings like this as well. There are ritual elements and even a bit of a cult, which are things that I love to see as well.

That should be enough there so then over to the acting. No one is great here, but they don't have to be. The characters are played a bit more on the comedic side which can be harder if I'm honest. I love Craine in this role and we see her get to show a bit more of her talents. Jamie has depth and growth which I didn't see coming. Dennis is good as this bigger cop who is a bit bumbling. He plays well off his smaller brother Melvin. I liked Huang, Tiamatakorn, Longden and Gaskell as this bridal party. It feels like they all have known each other for years and that is coming to a head on this night. The alcohol they ingested before coming to the station doesn't help. I'll also credit Vivash, Vince, Evans and the rest of the cast for rounding this out for what was needed.

All that is left then is the rest of the filmmaking. The cinematography is good. We have that isolated feeling that they can't escape, which is good. That is almost an Evil Dead feel. I've already said what I can about the effects. The soundtrack also works to help build the atmosphere and tension for me. I like the sound design for the creatures as well. That worked.

In conclusion, this is another fun movie co-writer/director Sparke. I've enjoyed both monster movies I've seen from him. He and I have similar taste in films from what he said at the Q and A. He wears his inspirations on his sleeves in the best way possible. This has enough of a story to get me invested and the effects take over from there. The creature designs are great. The ritual, cult and Lovecraftian stuff is on point. The acting helps bring characters to life and I think that this is done well enough. No glaring issues there outside of it just having a lower budget. It can stretch it though. I'd recommend this if you're into movies like this as it feels like a more whimsical The Void.

My Rating: 7 out of 10.

HOW TO KILL MONSTERS is thunderously good fun. It's hilarious, gory and insanely entertaining. And the creature designs are fantastic. It's fresh and original but also filled with nods to some of the cult classic horror films we all love (including, I think, to my delight, GHOULIES). There's a ton of energy in this low-budget gem and the film thrives on its b-movie roots. Much like its predecessor, BOOK OF MONSTERS, it entertains thoroughly with a great cast of human characters plus a great cast of slimy, dripping, tentacled creatures. If you liked EVIL DEAD 2, TUCKER AND DALE VS EVIL and IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS then you'll love HOW TO KILL MONSTERS.

On Halloween, at a cabin in the woods, there is a party going on, and the star attraction is an ancient relic, the Eldritch Blade. By aligning a series of coded symbols, it is activated, and let's say, one really doesn't want to activate it. It summons monsters, among other nasty stuff. It is low budget, and the monsters are done practical, more or less as they would have been done in B movies of the 1960's. Men in rubber suits with tentacles and gaping mouths. The CGI is less than what could be done in a middle school film class. Anyway, out from the cabin comes Jamie with a chainsaw. Everyone else in the cabin is dead, and she is the main suspect. She tries to tell them what happened but the police don't believe her. There are dumb people, some slapstick, but for the most part rampant silliness. Not great, but silly fun.