Love Rat

The 'infinite monkey theorem' suggests that a monkey hitting typewriter keys at random for an infinite amount of time would almost surely write any given text at some point, including the complete works of Shakespeare.

What people *don't* know about this theorem is that it also suggests that it would take that same monkey around only 3½ hours (including a 15-minute lunch break for a banana and a Kit Kat) to write the average 4-part drama for Channel 5.

And in the case of Love Rat, average is being kind.

It's abysmal. Whoever told Neil Morrissey he could act was a bare faced liar, as even up against the rest of this wooden cast he was particularly dreadful.

The daughter has to be one of the most unlikeable characters ever written (better luck next time, monkey) but thankfully she's not in it much. Less thankfully that means more time for the mother to waddle around Cyprus bouncing from gullible to stupid along the way.

I saw the ending coming from a mile away despite it being utterly ridiculous, and as for the final scenes - well, perhaps the monkey had had a lobotomy.

3/10

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Channel 5 are throwing money at original drama productions and I suppose that's to be encouraged but once you've watched this you might reconsider.

Despite the premise of Love Rat being 'Men bad women daft' we gave it a go on my5 (ten years licence free this year thank you) with the intention of binge watching the series. It became clear early on that we wouldn't be doing that. The pacing was unrealistically fast C5 got four episodes out of this (more than enough) but Netflix would have got ten. The dialogue was awful and so unnatural its only purpose was to justify the next bit. None of the cast were good enough to save this. Amateur is the best way to describe it.

Love Rate quickly became a comedy for us and that continued part way into the second episode. We'd worked out the ending before Emma left for Cyprus while unpacking her kitchen boxes in the dark. The ridiculousness beat the humour and we decided to end it so we missed out on e3 and went for e4, the big finale. The suspense. We were right not to expect much. It was a chore to watch and every time we thought it couldn't get any worse, it did.

Despite its unintentional qualities Love Rat was about the worst show I remember watching. Channel 5 is rightly at the bottom of the pile in terms of quality TV but the overall quality of UK TV is on the slide and we find ourselves watching foreign language shows on Walter Presents on catch up on 4. The French, Germans and Italians are all producing TV that is far better.

Seriously you need subtitles because I could not understand a word that came from the annoying brat daughter characters mouth. It was some kind of mermaid gobbledygook squealing language. It didn't help that the daughter was also an annoying and selfish character, only interested in mummys divorce money for her salon. The story and script was so amateurish that it made the actors look bad and this can't be so because there are some well known and experienced actors in this series. Are we really to believe that chunky, matronly unfit Emma can knock guns out of fit males hands and run from them? So many holes in the story and editing that one would think a school kid wrote the script. Lazy script but I'm quite sure everyone had a great holiday abroad enjoying the sun. Watch it without rolling your eyes if you can.

OK its C5 and we expect something cheap and cheerful, but this only managed to over deliver on the cheapness.

Sally was introduced to us living in a house in the woods, which didn't seem to have any lights? Not surprisingly she went to Cyprus for some holiday sun - but her room there didn't have any lights either. The darkness followed her.

Seems like they couldn't afford a film crew...

This was a real Turkey in every single respect, Direction, Writing, Acting, Production Values, Score - they all sucked big time.

An embarrassing effort, one to avoid - or watch for laughs if you've had a few (too many) drinks.

I taped this as it was shown whilst I was away on holiday so binge watched it on my return. In truth, I needn't have bothered - this really was the worst piece of drama I've seen on TV for many a year. The production and direction were tolerable for the most part but the acting was dire. Not entirely the fault of the cast ... they were let down by a poor script. It was wooden, cliche-ridden and lacked any credibility in terms of characterisation. Such a shame. The scenario had huge potential and I was drawn into it by the title alone. Alas it failed to deliver. Sorry to be so negative but there it is.