Teddiscare

Like watching a car crash involving people you despise.

The main character is what would happen if Stephen Stills and Joe Walsh merged into one person who regressed into a childlike state when presented with plush toys.

And for being utter garbage of an amateurish movie of totally worthless detritus, it is a very plot-heavy affair. We learn that when it comes to orphans, they will only accept organic stuffed animals. Who knew.

Okay. So for all the horrible acting, and ketchup for blood, and Bill Bailey dressed as a preacher but playing a lawyer, the little shovel , and the red hot chef love subplot, this movie has a message. And that message is: anyone can get their friends and their cellphones together and shot each other doing silly, unstable things in order to get an IMDb credit.

People will probably say 'oh another Indiegogo film,' or 'another polonia disaster,' but not me. I do not understand why people criticise Mark, every time I see a film by this man I find myself laughing and enjoying the film. He is good. Ron Bonk won't work with him if he wasn't.

Teddiscare is another example of Marks ability to assemble an relatively unknown cast and get a good mixture of scares, fun, laughter into one hour or so. Teddi might not have matched the poster but that was always going to be a difficult task as he is an actor, not a mutant teddy.

Teddiscare is a 7 for me and I look forward to the next polonia film.

Needless to say that I had never actually heard about the 2024 horror movie "Teddiscare" prior to sitting down to watch it. I happened to stumble upon the movie by random luck, and I have to say that the movie's cover was actually interesting enough to make me stop and take notice. It had a very 1980s classic horror feel to it, and that is what drew me in.

However, had I known that this was a Mark Polonia movie, then I would have avoided it like the plague. Yeah, that guy just doesn't make good movies. For some reason it feels like he has made a sport out of finding the most inept and untalented actors and actresses. And "Teddiscare" was no different.

The movie is terrible. No doubt about it, and the cover was the best thing about the ordeal. In fact, the movie's cover had nothing to do with the movie, as it was merely a guy walking around in a teddy bear mascot costume bought off of Wish. So yeah, it was a major disappointment to see that.

I wouldn't have to say that I wasn't familiar with a single actor or actress on the cast list, except for Jeff Kirkendall, whom apparently is in every single Mark Polonia movie. The acting performances in "Teddiscare" were nothing to write home about.

Visually, then this movie is bad. Especially the CGI animated blood spray. That was just horrible to look at.

Now, I am sure that there is a small niche of hardcore Mark Polonia fans out there that will find some perverse enjoyment in "Teddiscare". But for the casual viewer and those wanting to be entertained by a proper movie, then don't waste 82 minutes of your life on watching this dumpster fire of a movie. Some of us suffered through this, so you don't have to; you're very welcome.

My rating of "Teddiscare" lands on a two out of ten stars.

Plot

After his father's death, a young man spirals into insanity and childhood nightmares that bring his fears to life. The mind can be deadly, but toys can be killer.

Cast

A lot of people who should be embarrassed being part of this including Jeff Kirkendall who is just consistently horrendous in everything he's in.

Verdict

Let's be clear Polonia Brothers Entertainment is one of the worst purveyors of decent movies out there, these are the guys and girls who brought us such gems as Amityville in Space, Sharkula and Bigfoot vs Zombies. Movies which should at least have novelty value but are so cheap, so poorly made that entertainment is the last thing you'll receieve.

The cover art for Teddiscare suggests a killer bear right? Wrong! It's erm, something else altogether and I most certainly don't mean that in a good way.

Telling the story of a man who becomes a childish simpleton when around plushies, he's inherited land, and er people are being killed off and yeah there's a plot there but it's thinner than my non-existent hairline.

You see Teddiscare is a weird creature on a lot of levels, too stupid to be a horror, too odd to be a comedy, it just doesn't fall in to any logical category. It's like a bunch of friends got a camera, had no money but decided to make a movie regardless and wallah you have Teddiscare.

For some reason I found our man-child oddly wholesome, and that's only reason I gave it as high as 3 stars.

This is a movie for people who like "Trash" cinema, movies that are intentionally bad, no budget nonsense made for laughs not logic.

Rants

I have plushies! Yeah I do, final fantasy ones, horror ones, and I think I have a few goofy misc ones like the ugly dolls or whatever they're called. I've always found something very wholesome and endearing about that, if you're an adult and still have plushies don't let anyone tell you it's wrong! Weird? Yes, but wrong no. All the best people are weird hadn't you heard?

The Good

Weirdly likable lead

The Bad.

When the lead isn't likable he's very annoying The movie is unforgivably dumb.

Jeff Kirkendall Sneaky deceptive cover art.

After Duncan's father dies and makes him swear on his death bed not to go in the woods.. Duncan goes in the woods. But he finds some old playtime friends, yay! And a sorta conspiracy?

The creepiest part of this was definately the grown man baby-talking with stuffed animals out in the woods, roasting them marshmallows and reading them books. Shame this wasn't Winnie the Pooh like it was intended to be

Very, very slow with a lot of scenes that extend way too long. Pretty atrocious acting, lol Really would only appeal to a very particular person, and I guess that's me? Dumb, but kinda cute (although, I'll say this a far cry from Feeders).