- Mortimer Brewster: Look I probably should have told you this before but you see... well... insanity runs in my family...
- [he hears Abby and Martha singing]
- Mortimer Brewster: It practically gallops.
- [last lines]
- Mortimer Brewster: No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha! Chaaaaarrrge!
- [he runs off across the cemetary]
- Cab Driver: And I'm not a cab driver, I'm a coffee pot!
- Mortimer Brewster: Look, you can't do things like that! Now, I don't know how I can explain this to you. But, it's not only against the law, its wrong!
- Martha Brewster: Oh, piffle!
- Mortimer Brewster: It's not a nice thing to do. People wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand. What I mean is... Well... This is developing into a very bad habit!
- Mortimer Brewster: The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.
- Teddy Brewster: Code for Roosevelt?
- Mortimer Brewster: Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?
- Teddy Brewster: Rooster!
- Mortimer Brewster: Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?
- Teddy Brewster: Crows.
- Mortimer Brewster: It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?
- Teddy Brewster: On the veldt!
- Mortimer Brewster: There you are: crows - veldt!
- Teddy Brewster: Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
- [Elaine is impatient to leave on the honeymoon]
- Elaine Harper: But, darling - Niagara Falls.
- Mortimer Brewster: It does? Well, let it.
- [discussing the body count]
- Dr. Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve.
- [angrily grabs Dr. Einstein's necktie]
- Jonathan Brewster: I've got thirteen!
- Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag.
- Jonathan Brewster: Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...
- Dr. Einstein: Phoenix?
- Jonathan Brewster: The filling station...
- Dr. Einstein: Filling station? Oh!
- [slits throat]
- Dr. Einstein: Yes.
- Jonathan Brewster: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. That makes thirteen.
- Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
- Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
- Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
- Elaine Harper: But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too.
- Mortimer Brewster: One thing at a time!
- Mortimer Brewster: Mr. President, may I have the pleasure of presenting...
- Teddy Brewster: Doctor Livingston?
- Dr. Gilchrist: Livingstone?
- Mortimer Brewster: Uh, well, that's what he presumes.
- Aunt Martha: For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
- Mortimer Brewster: Hmm. Should have quite a kick.
- Reverend Harper: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt?
- Abby Brewster: Oh, no.
- Martha Brewster: Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
- Abby Brewster: Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it might be a change for him, and we suggested it.
- Martha Brewster: And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.
- [on the telephone]
- Mortimer Brewster: Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure?
- [hangs up]
- Mortimer Brewster: Well, then I must be here.
- Lt. Rooney: Who are you? What's your name?
- Mortimer Brewster: Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.
- Officer Patrick O'Hara: [to Sgt. Brophy, about Jonathon] Look at that puss. He looks like Boris Karloff.
- Dr. Einstein: You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he know something about us, what happens?
- Jonathan Brewster: We come to him for help, and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff!
- Teddy Brewster: Yes, Doctor, I'll run for a third term, but I won't be elected. That will be the last of the Roosevelts in the White House.
- Dr. Gilchrist: That's what you think!
- Mortimer Brewster: I probably should have told you this before but, you see, well... insanity runs in my family.
- [He hears Abby and Martha singing]
- Mortimer Brewster: It practically gallops!
- Teddy Brewster: [showing Einstein a photo] This is the picture I was telling you about, General. Here we are, both of us. President Roosevelt and General Goethals. That's me, General, and that's you.
- Dr. Einstein: My how I've changed.
- Mortimer Brewster: I saw a play last week, it had a character in it, reminded me of Jonathon.
- Abby Brewster: Oh, really?
- Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, a honey of a lunatic. One of those whodunits called "Murder Will Out".
- Abby Brewster: Oh, dear!
- Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, what a play. When the curtain goes up the first thing you see is a dead body. The next thing...
- [opens the window seat and finds a dead body]
- Mortimer Brewster: Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve men down in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.
- Aunt Abby Brewster: Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.
- Mortimer Brewster: Look, Aunt Martha, men don't just get into window seats and die!
- Abby Brewster: We know, dear. He died first.
- Mortimer Brewster: Wait a minute! Stop all this. Now, look, darling, how did he die?
- Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
- Mortimer Brewster: How did the poison get in the wine?
- Martha Brewster: Well, we put it in wine, because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor.
- Mortimer Brewster: You mean, you... You put it in the wine!
- Abby Brewster: Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat, because Reverend Harper was coming.
- Mortimer Brewster: Now, look at me, darling. You mean, you mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?
- Abby Brewster: Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
- Mortimer Brewster: Oh, it's first-degree.
- Abby Brewster: Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about it. I do think that Aunt Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.
- Mortimer Brewster: But there's a body in the window seat!
- Aunt Abby: Yes, dear, we know.
- Mortimer Brewster: You know?
- Martha Brewster: Of course!
- Aunt Abby: Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
- Mortimer Brewster: Forget?
- Aunt Abby: We never dreamed you'd peek.
- Mortimer Brewster: What the...?
- [speaking of a character in a play he has seen]
- Mortimer Brewster: He sits there *waiting* to be tied up and gagged!
- [laughs]
- Mortimer Brewster: The big dope!
- Jonathan Brewster: [pulling on surgical gloves] And now doctor... we go to work!
- Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
- Jonathan Brewster: Pull yourself together, doctor!
- Dr. Einstein: I cannot pull myself together without a drink!
- Mortimer Brewster: [trying to make Jonathan leave] Now, Jonathon. Be a good fellow. Here's ten dollars. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel?
- Teddy Brewster: [Mr. Witherspoon has just met Teddy and Teddy pulls Mortimer aside] Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out?
- Mortimer Brewster: Who?
- Teddy Brewster: [points to Mr. Witherspoon] Taft!
- Martha Brewster: [about the men they have poisoned] Let me see, now. This is eleven, isn't it, Abby?
- Abby Brewster: Oh, no, dear. This makes twelve.
- Martha Brewster: Abby, dear. I think you're wrong. This one is only eleven.
- Abby Brewster: No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.
- Martha Brewster: But, Abby, dear. I really don't think you should count the first one.
- Abby Brewster: Oh, I was counting the first one, and that makes it twelve.
- Martha Brewster: It does? Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is. I get them mixed up sometimes.
- Mortimer Brewster: Makes it twelve? Twelve.
- Teddy Brewster: [His first line] I must be catching cold.
- Abby Brewster: No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.
- Cab Driver: Hey! $22.50!
- Mortimer Brewster: What?
- Cab Driver: $22.50!
- Mortimer Brewster: Oh, yes, looks good on you!
- Cab Driver: Yeah. Not the suit, the meter!
- Mortimer Brewster: [introducing Teddy to Gilchrist] Oh, uh, Mr. President, may I have the pleasure of introducing...
- Teddy Brewster: Dr. Livingstone!
- Dr. Gilchrist: Livingstone?
- Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, well, that's what he presumes.
- [speaking of the Brewster sisters]
- Police Sgt. Brophy: They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like, they're like pressed rose leaves.
- Jonathan Brewster: Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer.
- Dr. Einstein: But, Johnny, not tonight. I'm sleepy. We'll do it tomorrow, or the next day.
- Jonathan Brewster: Look at me, Doctor. You can see that it's got to be done, can't you?
- Dr. Einstein: Yeah, I know that look.
- Jonathan Brewster: It's a little late to dissolve our partnership.
- Dr. Einstein: Okay, okay, Johnny. Okay, we'll do it. But the quick way, huh? The quick twist like in London.
- Jonathan Brewster: No, Doctor. I think this calls for something special. I think, perhaps, the Melbourne method.
- Dr. Einstein: [cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!
- Jonathan Brewster: [to Dr. Einstein] This is the home of my youth... As a boy, I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Now, I'm glad to escape back into it.
- Mortimer Brewster: Now look, darling, how did he die?
- Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
- Mortimer Brewster: Well, how did the poison get in the wine?
- Martha Brewster: Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor.
- Cab Driver: Hey, you! Five more bucks and you'll own it!
- Mortimer Brewster: Oh, no thanks! It wouldn't fit me!
- Elaine Harper: Now, wait a minute! Listen! You can't marry me one minute and throw me out of the house the next.
- Mortimer Brewster: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here?
- [pushes her out and slams the door; Mr. Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper]
- Elaine Harper: Mortimer!
- Mortimer Brewster: [picks up the phone] I'm sorry, Judge. But a thing happened. Look, Judge... About Teddy... you see, he's...
- Elaine Harper: Mortimer!
- Mortimer Brewster: [into the phone] You see, Judge, it's his bugle blowing. Yes, the neighbors have been complaining, and the police are all set to throw him into a state institution.
- Elaine Harper: How do you like that...
- Mr. Gibbs: I read an ad here about a room to rent...
- Elaine Harper: Oh, shut up!
- [to Mortimer]
- Elaine Harper: We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!
- Mortimer Brewster: Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!
- [Explaining to Elaine why they shouldn't be married]
- Mortimer Brewster: You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad.
- Cab Driver: I knew this would end up in the nuthouse.
- Mr. Witherspoon: [offended] We like to think of it as a rest home!
- Mortimer Brewster: [on the telephone] Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello - what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea.
- [throws down the phone in disgust]
- Aunt Abby Brewster: Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth?
- Mortimer Brewster: Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.