Laser Mission

Well… "Laser Mission" is obviously not a good film. But, Brandon Lee does show what good breeding can do for a man. And, Debi Monahan does show what good cleavage can do for a woman. The low-cut blue dress Ms. Monahan wears on her date with Mr. Lee makes its points. She keeps it on for almost the entire movie. You also get a lot of fighting, shooting, and Ernest Borgnine.

"Kidnapped by Soviet agents, Professor Braun (Borgnine) is forced to work on a powerful laser weapon that could be used to enslave the world," according to the DVD synopsis, "The CIA decides to send agents Michael Gold (Lee) and Alissa (Monahan) into Cuba to retrieve the scientist and a cache of diamonds being used to build the weapon." The soundtrack, by David Knopfler, is rare and well done.

*** Laser Mission (11/89) B.J. Davis ~ Brandon Lee, Debi Monahan, Ernest Borgnine, Graham Clarke

I can't say much that hasn't already been said brilliantly. Obviously, many of you love the bad movies the way I do.

For those of you reading this who have not seen the film, I'll tell you exactly why you should watch it: It's Brandon Lee in a feature-length Mentos commercial. I kid you not. The look and feel of this movie simply scream "The Freshmaker." You know you want to see it now.

And just to correct one bit of info someone else posted, the one and only song used in this movie (over and over and over) is indeed by David Knopfler. David was not, however, in Dire Straits. That was his brother Mark. This movie was only able to afford David. Sorta like getting Ted Mellencamp. Not good.

Bad news folks. The Soviets are on some sort of...LASER MISSION!

Even if that brief plot summary doesn't tell you all you need to know about "Laser Mission", you'll get the idea within the first few minutes. It's a B-movie to it's core, complete with B-movie editing, scripting, and logic. While watching you may occasionally even wonder how this one might have worked as an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000".

That said, there are two audiences that will appreciate "Laser Mission" -- B-movie junkies and fans of Brandon Lee, who was destined for better roles than the one he has here. If you fall into either or both of those categories, this movie might be worth your time.

We are entreated with a song that sounds like leftover sixties or a Hallmark love story; they keep playing it over and over and over. Michael Gold (Brandon Lee) independent agent or mercenary is tasked with bringing back or killing a laser scientist Prof. Braun (Ernest Borgnine) probably related to Eva. If the scientist's laser knowledge is crossed with the world's biggest diamond it will create, are you ready for this? Nuclear weapons. To do this mission Michael must team up with the professor's libeling daughter Alissa (Michael).

The only problem is that the CIA does not trust him. The daughter turns out to have an annoyingly negative attitude.

Is she for real as she can shoot, drive, and cross 40 miles of desert in high heels?

Is the professor what he seems as he seems chummy with the bad guys?

Is Sgt. Roberta (Maureen Lahoud) a sergeant or a girl? In any case, she is part of a Laurel and Hearty team.

Like a cheap Bond movie will Gold get the professor, diamond, and daughter? Does he want to?

After you get the bad taste of this movie out of your mouth, watch Ernest Borgnine put his accent to effective use in "Ice Station Zebra" (1968)

In only his second leading role, Brandon Lee already shows charisma and even a gift for self-parody, and he particularly shines when he's allowed to show his terrific fighting skills....unfortunately there is much more gun action than hand-to-hand combat here. His co-star, Debi Monahan, is not much of a fighter, but she's sexy, she can handle a gun and if there was a "best cleavage" award in the movies then I think she would have won it that year. Watching these two almost makes up for the forced "comic relief" from the secondary characters, the monotonous action, the confusing geography and the low production values. But who thought it was a good idea to have Ernest Borgnine waving a shotgun and running around in the desert at his age? (Happy belated 89th birthday, by the way!) (**)