Ok, I know just about everyone claims that the most recent bad film they've seen is the worst movie ever made. Well, it's been a while since the 1995 release of Wally White's ode to self-absorption "Lie Down with Dogs," and the film still ranks as the worst gay movie devoted to celluloid, and an atrocity on all levels. Here's 10 reasons why the film makes more sucking noises than a Hoover upright: ***1. Our "protagonist" (and I use that term VERY loosely) waxes unpoetically at the beginning of the film about how sucky New York City is, so he packs up and moves, haphazardly, to Provincetown, MA for the summer. Once there, he does nothing but berate the place for not being New York. Go figure. ***2. The film was obviously shot during P-Town's off-season; the summer resort looks more like an old-west ghost town. ***3. We're supposed to feel a sense of connection and brotherhood with Tommy, the lead character. Yeh, right. It's probably unintentional, but White's alter-ego is a whining, self-obsessed doink who is about half as attractive as he thinks he is. I'm supposed to root for this guy to fall in love? I found myself rooting for this guy to be hit by a bus. ***4. The film is extremely offensive to minorities. White tries to be funny, but instead manages to insult everyone from recovering alcoholics to men over 40 to Jamaicans. Even the latino pretty boy is (gasp!) lazy... one of a bazillion stereotypes perpetuated by this wreck of film. ***5. White's summer vacation is boring. I had more exciting stints at summer camp as a kid. ***6. The writing of this film is amateurish through and through. What's meant to be funny is just obnoxious, and what's meant to be touching is cloying. The characters are flat, the plot is nil and there's no dramatic rise to what little story exists. ***7. The director makes the assumption that all gay men aspire to be pumped-up pretty-boy airheads, dancing in their speedos. No, thanks, I'm driving. ***8. Cinematically, the film is poorly constructed. The editing is bad, the camerawork is bland. The movie looks like someone grabbed a camera for the first time and thought, "wow, I'll make a movie." ***9. Did I mention that the lead character is self-absorbed and obnoxious? ***10. The worst offender of all: the utter horror of the "Square State Theory" scene. This little gem sees Tommy as he unfolds his hypothesis that you can tell a guy from a square-shaped state by his tacky wardrobe, lack of dancing expertise or general ugliness. To make matters worse, he actually points out several of these hapless losers out while pontificating from on high in a crowded dance club. ***Can you tell how offended I was by this movie? As a guy from a relatively square state, I have news for Wally White... first, you might be part of a minority, but this kind "better than thou" behavior isn't far off from what fueled such lovely historical eras such as Nazi Germany. Secondly, those square-state guys are PEOPLE... they may know how to point and laugh, too, but things like self-contentment and decency usually stand in their way. Me, I guess I'm not so decent, so I have no shame or reservation when I tell you: your film is mean-spirited and just plain bad.
