Octopus

"Octopus" is utterly boring; and patently ridiculous. What a pathetic waste of a perfectly good Cephalopod. So much time is spent setting up the plot that the octopus gets lost. Sure, the little heroine is totally cute. She can act too; but she can't save this mess on her own. The title "Octopus" is almost a non sequitur! During the interminable espionage conundrums, I kept thinking, "Who cares?" and "Where's the octopus?" And since when do octopi have insect mouthparts? Wouldn't a six foot long cephalopod beak suffice to scare us? The director forgot the monster, and was seemingly trying to remake "Executive Decision" in a submarine; badly. The dialogue, the action and the resolution of this muddle all violated the one axiom of monster pictures. They were boring. The entire film is boring, from start to finish. I am a dedicated monster picture fan and I won't bother to watch this catastrophe again.

I am frequently amazed that none of the directors of modern monster pictures never consider the "Old Man and the Sea" concept; the idea that nature itself is frightening and challenging. This entire film could have been made with six or seven people in a sailboat, trying to fend off a large cephalopod, or two. After all, we need some octopus fodder.

Don't bother with this one. Really. If you're a monster fan it will just make you mad.

7 out of 10

And yes, I realize my one-line summary is damning with faint praise. But seriously, however silly this movie may be, it accomplishes what it sets out to do, and that's to deliver as much wet and slimy action-packed fun as it can in 100 minutes. And no matter what negative things one may say about it, you've got to give it credit for choosing Crimson Tide (and more than a dash of Deep Rising) for inspiration rather than Jaws, which every other movie would have done.

The plot? An inexperienced CIA agent (Jay Harrington) has been assigned to escort a deadly terrorist by submarine. Heading the sub is Captain Shaw (David Beecroft) and along for the ride is a pretty oceanographer (Carolyn Lowery). Anyway, things get bumpy when they encounter a gargantuan octopus (which is actually even larger than the sub) that's been mutated by toxic material from a sunken Cold War Russian submarine.

Straight-to-video creature features are always going to be silly movies; the question is whether or not you can make it into a silly movie that's fun for the right reasons, and Octopus certainly succeeds. In fact, if a few of the submarine sets were cleaned up and made just a tad more elaborate, I could have seen this as a theatrical release (though, don't get me wrong, some of the sub sets, especially the flooded corridors, also look really good). It's about as much fun as Deep Rising, a movie which it borrows liberally from.

Octopus moves at quite a non-stop pace. The opening ten minutes features both a sinking sub AND a present-day chase/shootout sequence that's highlighted by huge explosions and even flipping cars. Director John Eyres continuously mounts the excitement factor once the monster goes on its rampage, concluding things nicely on an oceanliner in a climax that had me grinning. Surprisingly enough, we get competent acting from the likes of Jay Harrington, David Beecroft, and Carolyn Lowery, who make for a likeable and believable trio. Most of the special effects are obviously CGI, but considering the obvious budget limitations, the visuals are really quite good, much like the rest of this silly, but fun flick.

Okay, this is just as bad as it gets. Let me hit the high points:

1) The main character. This guy has all the courage and charisma of Pee Wee Herman (no offense to Pee Wee). He's a CIA agent, and after seeing a terrorist blow up the embassy he works at, killing all his co-workers, and then killing his best friend, this guy still can't bring himself to shoot the terrorist. He does stand there pointing his gun forever though. Finally he saves the terrorist.

2) The first scene on the submarine. This is a nuclear attack submarine, yet we find the crew, on the bridge, playing strip poker while rap music blares in the background. The captain walks in and - this is what will leave a person speechless - doesn't seem to find this to be out of the ordinary. This also serves to introduce us to the main female character, and makes her seem like a bar whore. Someone addresses her as "Doctor", while at the same time her panties are on a guy's head. A Hooters Girl doing a beer bong would be more convincing as a Ph.D. than this woman. And a lot classier too. I mean, is there actually anyone out there who thinks that nuclear attack subs are run like college frat houses? And is it possible that this same person is allowed to write screenplays? And let's not even get into the fact that the captain of this boat previously had captained another sub, which he ran aground. To penalize him for this, the military gives him the job of...captaining a nuclear attack sub.

3) The idea that terrorists could hijack a cruise ship and then somehow use it to chase a submarine. Are the film makers aware that submarines travel UNDER the water, and can't be detected by any equipment available on a cruise ship? I mean, it's just impossible to fathom the level of stupidity these people have put into this movie.

Overall, I love cheesy B movies, and a few major plot holes don't bother me much. But this thing...what can one even say? You've got an unbelievably, unwatchably horrible male lead, a scummy whore female lead, a bunch of action sequences that are so incomprehensible in their stupidity that it makes a person become nauseous and disoriented, and finally a giant octopus that does all the work of killing the terrorists that the CIA agent was too much of a cowardly putz to accomplish. Hooray for the octopus. Pity the audience.

How in the world do screenplays like this actually get made into movies? I would think this stuff would be passed around from studio to studio and laughed at until the writers left the state in shame, or maybe even left the country. I mean, there are movies made for $100, 000 in Bulgaria that put this thing utterly to shame.

After a reasonably well executed pre-credits sequence, set during the Cuban missile crisis, in which a Russian submarine carrying a toxic cargo is torpedoed by the US, Octopus takes a steep nose dive into the deep waters of ridiculousness from which it never surfaces.

Jay Harrington plays Roy Turner, an inexperienced CIA agent sent on a mission to escort dangerous international terrorist Casper (Ravil Isyanov) to America via nuclear powered submarine. Of course, the trip doesn't exactly go as planned: Casper frequently slips from his bonds, hoping to somehow escape the sub and rendezvous with his evil pals (who have infiltrated the staff of a nearby ocean liner); and a massive tentacled sea monster, the result of the toxic spill 32 years earlier, seems intent on making a meal out of the sub's crew!

From the moment crazy killer Casper (unconvincingly dressed as an old woman selling pastries) carries out his daring attack on an embassy that has a 'come-and-go-as-you-like' approach to security, this daft film becomes the epitome of clichéd B-movie garbage, offering a raft of stereotypical characters, endless predictable action, and totally nonsensical plot development which will have most sane viewers reaching for the off switch, but which should prove to be reasonably enjoyable fare for fans of low-budget, bottom-shelf, STV dreck!

Bolstered by brilliantly unrestrained performances from a dedicated cast seemingly unfazed by the sheer awfulness of the script, and digital special effects scraped from the very bottom of the barrel, Octopus manages to entertain by being unbelievably dumb: before the inevitable climactic showdown between Roy and the sea creature, viewers are treated to several unconvincing punch-ups, an outstanding(ly bad) display of emotional range from Ricco Ross as brave second-in-command Brickman, sexy Caroline Lowery as a feisty female oceanographer (who looks fab in her scanties!), and the unforgettable sight of a giant octopus tentacle piercing the bad guy and pulling his helicopter into the sea!

Well, I was hoping this was going to be a nice little monster movie... something along the lines of Lake Placid or Komodo, both of which I enjoyed. No such luck. It's burdened down by a tedious "terrorist on board" plot, that places it closer to Turbulence (a movie I loathed) for much of its running time. It also doesn't help that the principle terrorist villain is played by quite the worst actor I've seen in any professional film I can currently recall - his version of passing as an elderly woman to infiltrate a US establishment makes Hulk Hogan look like Laurence Olivier, and his performance as his 'normal' terroristic self consists almost entirely of eye-popping, smirking and grimacing. With many principle scenes depending on this character the whole exercise is pretty much doomed from the word go. It also doesn't help that the director's style seems to be based on the principle "telegraph what's about to occur, then telegraph it again, in case the audience is *really* slow". The special effects are passable... they could have been quite effective given an engaging script, some good acting, and sound direction, but they're hardly enough to carry the movie on their own. Carolyn Lowery as the lone significant female in the cast is consistently good... but she and the creature and the explosions can't save this aquatic turkey.