Python 2

Someone with Science Fiction clout, but no talent, in TV programming has decided that giant snakes, among the slowest creatures on earth, make frightening movie monsters. Well they don't. I dearly love monster movies, but these snake pictures are simply useless. This one follows the really awful, 'en vogue formula to the hilt, and straight down the slithery slope of utter ennui. In my estimation these "lighter than air, faster than greased pigs" reptiles are utterly without any redeeming "monster" qualities.

The snakes are almost incidental to the film. They are so badly portrayed as to have no personality, and absolutely no sense of dread about them. They are mechanical vehicles of the plot, which is terminally boring from the first scene. The only character I even cared about was the beautiful Russian redhead, and that's just because she is so gorgeous to watch. It seems that the director just didn't know how to portray people with any sense of timing or reality. The characters, and the acting, quickly fell apart under vague and vapid direction. The plot was never in attendance.

The film seemed to drag on forever as inept warriors pointed their fancy guns into dark corners, and blasted away at cartoon snakes to no discernable avail. The snakes moved much faster than the action. I felt that the director was simply trying to figure out how to prolong this mess long enough to eke out the requisite 90 minutes, sans commercials. It didn't work. Avoid this mess unless you are addicted to lovely redheads.

Fugitive ex-baseball star and his Russian bride find themselves the unwitting pawns in a CIA-led mission to recover a giant, highly agile python that has been unintentionally released from its cargo hold by Chetynan rebels, and is now on the prowl at a Soviet military base.

Generally, the acting is either very pedestrian, or totally over the top, with stereotypical characterisations of mobsters, mercenaries and military types, all of whom attempt to exude too much sentiment for the depth of their characters. The film largely takes place on a military base, in which, a supposedly crack team of commandos hunts down and attempts to capture the giant reptile, with catastrophic results for most concerned. It's formula 'catch and kill' stuff, and plays out like a video game. Only Zabka's mildly tongue-in-cheek performance offers any hint of talent, his presence the fragile pedigree to "Python", although despite, ostensibly, playing the same character, the persona are vastly different. Mackinnon's accent is painfully erratic, with an obvious Australian drawl surfacing in moments of despair, while perennial Russian-mafia typecast Binev, is becoming something of a staple in these types of movies, making a virtual 'guest' appearance as a Russian-esque mobster.

The title reptile is even less convincing than in "Python", the CGI effects so blurry and poorly scaled, that the occasional interaction with a cast member is laughably absurd. Corny sets and cheap-looking outdoor staging is soon surpassed as the film takes up permanent residence on a fictitious military base, thus descending into a cat and mouse game with the snake, while stealth fighters prepare to raze the facility, to silence all witnesses. In spite of the competing threats, there's little, if any suspense, and a poorly executed climax that looks anything but the feared demolition that was to have taken place, to 'neutralise the situation', or 'go black' in the apparent CIA-speak oft employed throughout the picture by Zabka.

Overall, if you like big snake movies, then you may be moderately satisfied with this basic offering; on the other hand, if you're more discerning, say, "Anaconda" rather than "Python", then you're unlikely to find it here.

I was puzzled by the credits being mostly Russian names. Then I realized this was a movie set in Russia that actually WAS shot in Russia!

So I say, cut it some slack. A stray thought-- the actors playing soldiers in the film probably WERE former members of the Red Army! They certainly had the moves. And the CGI serpents are pretty dang good! I was impressed by a couple of sequences. In one, the snake's underside reflects the light of the flamethrower being used (ineffectually) against it. The other nicely-done sequence is lifted from Gandalf's "death" in LotR: TFotR, with a serpent playing the Balrog role.

Python (2000)

BOMB (out of 4)

Robert England plays a mad scientist who created a huge python that spits acid. I'm terrified of snakes, which means I usually have a good time being scared with snake movies but this one here was downright awful and ranks as one of the worst films I've seen the past twenty years. The acting is atrocious, the screenplay laughable and the special effects are terrible looking.

Python 2 (2002)

BOMB (out of 4)

The American government brings home an eight-five foot snake, which eventually escapes and starts eating people. This is another horrid, direct to video horror movie but it's slightly better than the first film since this one here runs ten minutes shorter. Is that any kind of recommendation?

There's a certain paint-by-numbers formula that these creature movies follow: the creature is always created by the military, which never makes any sense but we can live with it if the movie's good. The movie always seems to end up in a dark basement full of pipes. The good guys shoot the creature numerous times, but considering it's obviously added via CGI in post-production, shooting it never seems to have any effect. And then there's the half day of work they pay the pyrotechnics crew for, which is the last scene where the monster is destroyed. This movie follows the same formula, but overlays it with the Sci-Fi channel formula of having the characters behave obnoxiously and fight amongst themselves for reasons of, well, apparently they saw people doing that in a real movie once.

In this flick, a giant snake is loose in a really small Russian military base. A team of commandos goes in to get it, but they need a truck to haul it back with. Yeah, you know, all that training, all those weapons, all that organization, and a 100 thousand dollars to throw around, but no truck. So they do something that this audience member really regrets: they hire an American truck driver to accompany them.

So they get to the base and find that the 85 foot, 12 ton snake has escaped its refrigerator sized box, and since it's now obvious that they won't simply be hauling it back on a truck, they tell the truck driver to go away. Oh, if only he had. They even paid him the whole 100 grand, for doing nothing, and yet he still sticks around. What follows is the snake attacking these folks numerous times, and the truck driver whining and complaining about being put in danger. Didn't they give him 100 thousand and tell him to go away? He even punches the guy for getting him into the whole mess, but wait... he tried NOT to get him into this mess. Then he demands to know "the whole story". Oh please, please go away!

That's what really ruins this thing, the typical Sci-Fi Channel obnoxious lead character. Leave him out and it would have been quite watchable.