Nick Millard filmed "The Terrorists" in between visiting relatives in Munich, and that's pretty much what this movie feels like. It's basically a travelogue with some plot woven in for good measure. The 'story' is about a group of radicals trying to assassinate Jimmy Carter during his visit, but obviously Millard didn't have the money, energy or creativity to stage a thing like that. Instead, we get the next best thing: all gunfights take place in ugly hallways and a huge explosion that kills eight people is not seen, but just mentioned by a news reporter (Millard's wife, who else?). It's the lamest cop-out ever. I love it. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Technically things happen in this movie, but none of it matters or makes any sense. At one point Ray Myles (sporting the best and worst Russian accent ever) tells the main villain he's going to turn him in, while in private and unarmed. This has got to be the least intelligent intelligence officer of all time. Most of the movie hinges on our heroes finding the terrorist leader, who is nicknamed The Professor. Eventually they get their big break in the case: turns out he's... a professor. Talk about hiding in plain sight! By the way: while the action takes place in Munich, The Professor still somehow lives in Millard's house. That place is pure magic, I fully expect to wake up there tomorrow.
Apart from the obligatory stock footage from his adult movies (six minutes, seriously?), this movie actually moves along well. I've never seen Millard use so many characters either, and only one of them is played by him. Some of them have got to be in-laws though, because the name Grabinger comes up several times. That's his wife's maiden name. I have to look up how to do my taxes every single year, but somehow I have brain cells that remember this very important tidbit. Anyway, there are many action set pieces throughout this movie and the editing actually makes them look pretty dynamic for once. The editing also makes them look like sight gags from "The Naked Gun", but that movie is an even bigger classic so why complain? This thing just flies by, and for once that's not just because it's 60 minutes long (it is though, obviously).
There is one slight downside to the movie though. The soundtrack is just complete garbage. I mean, Millard soundtracks tend to be minimalistic, but this just has some lunatic randomly beating a drum with no sense of rhythm. Is this supposed to be a military march of sorts? Thank God Millard found/fell asleep on a Casio keyboard for the "Mac 10" soundtrack. My ears are bleeding from this drivel.
