Goatman

This book was given to me as a gift by a well-meaning close relative.

I do no want to alienate the person who gave me this book, and he likely won't be aware of my comments here, but the author of this tract appears to be a fatuous, overprivileged grifter who cheated the Wellcome trust for the money that he spent creating this masterpiece. Without detailing the book's deficiencies in the discussion of philosophy, design, ethology and animal anatomy/biomechanics, I recommend that you not buy it, and if you have a copy, send it to the Wellcome Trust with an invoice for its shipment and proper burial.

Right, well I can't claim to be harboring much of any expectations to this 2023 horror movie titled "Goatman", as I sat down to watch it without ever having heard about it. But I was suckered in by the movie's cover/poster and the fact that the title was actually interesting enough.

Writer and director Trey Murphy delivered an absolute dumpster fire of a movie here. The storyline in the movie was pretty straightforward, and points for that. But it all just fell apart under some very boring and slow paced narrative, and the fact that the acting performances were so wooden and rigid that the forest, in which the movie was shot, was jealous of the acting performances being more wooden than it was.

The dialogue in the movie was rather poorly written, and even worse so delivered on the screen by the actors and actresses.

The character gallery in the movie was bland and pointless. And I have to admit that I can't even name a single one of the characters, if you were to ask me. They were that forgettable.

And then there were the special effects, make-up and prosthetic effects. Well, they were special. And points awarded, at least, as they were trying to make a satyr-like creature. But it just came off amateurish and not particularly interesting or scary.

As for "Goatman" being a horror movie? Forget about it. There was nothing scary here from writer and director Trey Murphy, unless you consider a movie that is more of a high school project than an actual movie as being horror, then by all means.

This is not a movie that I would recommend horror fans to sit down and watch. You're better off not wasting your time, money or effort here; some of us did, so you don't have to.

My rating of "Goatman" lands on a very generous one out of ten stars.

Wow what a disgrace. Shame on them for actually making the cover look good. Guess that's where their budget went, but tricked me into watching it. This is hands down the worst movie ever made and it wasn't entertaining at all. Actors were horrid. Can't believe Roku even allowed this garbage on their platform. I could have made a better movie on my cell phone. 0/10 stars. Hard pass. The credit scroll at the end looks like it was made in Windows 95. Do yourself a favor and don't fall for the movie cover. It's false advertising and all you get is a film made by 5th graders. Goatman is a lazy and bad film.

Goat man accomplished a cheesy, sophomoric genre with flying colors. Low expectations set a bar they could stumble across without trying. Continuous inuendo lanpooning their profession and the industry in general was a bonus included by the writer. Cudos to the cast selection as they fell into the stupidity of their rolls naturally. Thankfully gratuitous gore was not shown, probably because of the low budget and nonexistent graphics. Self generated cheesy fake commercials interspersed throughout added to the campy theme, evidenced the lack of sponsors willing to take a risk. The acting reflected a willingness to follow direction in spite of subsequent humiliation that could follow throughout an acting career if this movie doesn't cure them of those endeavors. It deserves the 10 stars or the 2 star category.

Yeah, I thought this was going to be a real movie.

OK, I admit to being April Fool'd.

There is NO WAY anyone would have actually scripted or played in this movie without being in on the joke. So if you watch it, you too can consider yourself pranked.

I can only hope this was simply someone trying out their equipment, and some REALLY stupid actors, to make sure their camera and sound system worked ... hopefully so they could later create something that people actually wanted to see. As it was, they created something so bad that I am the second, but likely not the last, viewer to be warning you to not waste your time.