The Painter

I think this might be the first time I could be bothered to write a review but...did it pass the time and I kind of followed what was happening? Yes. Was it enjoyable? No. This is what I imagine AI would spit out, direct and costume design (the set design and even cinematography were not bad tbf). There was nothing original in this film plot, but it wasn't satire or parody or even ironic, and it was INCREDIBLY moronic (at one point a computer virus in a flash drive goes up....in flames....). It was awful, but not so disruptively bad for the evening which I gave away to other tasks that I turned it off (there are your 2 stars), but somehow annoying and predictable enough to also be distracting -- and to make me write this review. Don't watch it. It's not bewildering, it's just bad.

I think a few days ago this piece of stink was rated around 8 stars. What nonsense, this is barely a movie. I don't think there was a script. I think everyone kind of figured it out as the shooting of the film progressed. It's so badly made. I'll make a point to look this director up so I can avoid wasting more time in the future. Dude has a future with Asylum doing Transmorpher sequels. The lead actor can't act, even when he doesn't have to say anything. He can't act hurt, injured, upset, sane, or anything. From his face, you'd think he had no clue he was in a movie until after the premier. It's bad guys. Watch something else. This is almost a Neil Breen movie. I guess if I watched it with friends, it would be one of those so bad it's good movie. Critical redundancy :'(

Former CIA assassin Peter Barrett (Charlie Weber) is living off the grid rural Oregon as a painter after a tragedy 17 years prior caused a rift between his estranged wife and fellow agent Elena Maran (Rryla McIntosh) brought about by the death of their unborn child. Peter's life is interrupted when a young woman, Sophia (Madison Bailey), shows up claiming to be his and Elena's daughter and is seemingly hunted by CIA assassins. Seeking help from his mentor and adoptive father Henry Byrne (Jon Voight), Peter with Sophia in tow seeks to find out the reason behind Elena's apparent disappearance as they elude the corrupt section chief Naomi Piasecki (Marie Avgeropoulos) and her top assassin Ghost (Max Montesi).

The Painter is a 2024 action film that comes from Paramount's recent relaunch of the Republic Pictures label which is an extension of the company's Paramount Global Content Distribution which specializes in low to mid budget genre fare such as last year's Assassin Club. Produced with a primarily Canadian cast who are primarily affiliated with TV shows, the biggest names attached are producer Steven Paul and actor Jon Voight who are no strangers to working together with the two having jointly brought to life such films as the Baby Geniuses series, Karate Dog, and the Bratz movie through their regular collaborations. From the plot and production it's clear that The Painter is cookie cutter action junk tailor made for international deals at film markets and easy consumption through VOD, and while that alone shouldn't necessarily put you off something like this, the complete lack of passion and enthusiasm on display certainly is.

From the opening sequence which sees Jon Voight sporting a ridiculous fake moustache that's barely above the level of something from a joke shop to exposition laid on so thick you can practically cut through it, The Painter has all the hallmarks of a Canadian tax shelter production complete with threadbare production values that look barely above the level of a scrapped TV pilot. Charlie Weber is a charisma vacuum in a role that calls for him to be about as boring as you can make a leading man and Madison Bailey has no chemistry with Weber with the father/daughter dynamic never taking hold and leaving the actors feeling aloof from the material. Jon Voight sleepwalks through his role with the only unintended amusement coming from him being (according to the movie anyway) a "master of disguise". Despite being helmed by a stunt coordinator Kimani Ray Smith, The Painter is decidedly lacking in memorable action beats with most them not all that well staged, no real memorable choreography, and in some cases just outright leaps in logic such as a scene requiring Peter "teleport" in order to avoid certain death. That's to say nothing of the CIA that's so stupid that their strike team apparently goes out into the field with "CIA" written on their tactical gear (and hidden by just a velcro strap by the looks of things). The one (mostly) consistently enjoyable thing was Max Montesi as Ghost who doesn't give a good performance, but it's so energized in its scenery chewing tonal collision with the rest of the film that I did get some unintended laughs from it.

At a time when the assassin subgenre of action films leaves average viewers spoiled for choice with better alternatives (The Beekeeper is a much better movie of this type that leans into the silliness) The Painter has even less reason to exist beyond being bad at its job. As we await the inevitable day this film disappears into the back ends of Tubi and Amazon Freevee, when that day comes remember: there are much better options.

I was hoping this was one of those movies where the trailer was the only good part of the movie - but alas, that was not the case with this one.

This theme has been done a million times and it's overdone; they couldn't even hold our interest for the whole movie.

Sooooo many things don't make sense in this film - you don't even have to be that familiar with law enforcement to know what they're trying to do is ridic and would never actually take place.

Casting of the 'Bureau Chief' in particular was so horrifically bad in all ways, we couldn't stop laughing (so there WAS a bright spot, I guess). And even Voight, who has made some amazing movies was robotic and boring; takes a special kind of BAD to ruin a movie that should be fairly simple to make these days.

Aside from this being nothing new or original, it's a poorly written and directed effort with corny dialogue and laughable action scenes.

In the early stages, we are meant to believe that a criminal of some importance has a security team made entirely of imbeciles that can't fight. They're so bad in fact, that a single man who moves slowly can defeat them all. Perhaps part of the reason for this is that, when one of the bodyguards is fighting with the hero, all the others become paralysed and only regain the ability to move when it's their turn to throw a punch 3 yards from his head. Throw in the odd embarrassingly bad commando roll that wouldn't look out of place in a 4 year olds gymnastics class and there you have it.

But that isn't all this cinematic masterpiece has to offer. No, it also has highly trained operators armed with assault rifles that couldn't hit a barn from 5 yards away. If those are the people that are meant to keep us safe, then we are doomed as a child with a catapult would make a more effective fighting force.

Finally, we come to the twist and the last bit of dialogue, which is delivered with all the emotional intensity of someone reading their gas bill out loud.

Consider this my favour to you - I have watched it so that you don't have to.