youngcollind

I assume many of us are prone to quasi masochistically throwing on some hallmark crap around the holidays. This year, the allure of a Lindsay Lohan comeback made this stick out from the trash heap. It's hard to criticize as the flaws are baked into the genre. If you couldn't predict this would be predictable, your powers of prediction aren't what you think they are.

Still, you can't help but poke fun at the expected clichés, like how quickly the love interest sticks out for being far too perfectly coiffed for a small town nobody. I also had to snicker when I learned the actor's real life name is Chord Overstreet. I know making fun of someone's name is very high school bully of me, but he's out there making Lindsay Lohan movies, while I'm stuck here watching them, so who's the real loser?

If I can commend anything, the set decoration was elaborate. The background of every scene is so stuffed to the brim with Yuletide trinkets it's like they let a team of the most aggressively festive grandmas go to town spewing Christmas in every direction.

So grab some eggnog and your significant other and get weirdly wrapped up in a debate over how much plastic surgery Lindsay Lohan has had, 'tis the season.

Though it was probably ill advised, I did a killer Santa double feature with this and Santa's Slay. In contrast, that had much more of a Hollywood sheen, almost Elf with a homicidal Saint Nick, where Christmas Bloody Christmas was all indie charm. Winning points out the gate for a badass score that mixes retro synth and stoner doom, and continuing with cool late night metal bar vibes. I'll admit the date that takes up the first leg overstays it's welcome, and I don't know why they felt compelled to mix so much quasi High Fidelity banter into such a low brow bloodbath. I'll give 'em points for bringing up Soundgarden, but immediately revoke them for insinuating that even the most hardened elitist would thumb their nose at Superunknown. That album's their masterpiece, not their sellout record, it's popular cause it's brilliant, dammit. But I digress. With a little patience, you'll make it to the screaming violent rampage you were promised. The gore effects may not always be the most realistic, but they're usually practical and tactile and I like that. They overuse the 'ol "he's dead, or is he?" but considering the allegiance to Terminator, it's pretty on par for the course.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the lighting, which draws attention to itself like Jim Carrey at a Christmas party. It might be a cheap gimmick, but I love it and think it elevates the film. I get it, it's just coloured dollar store lights, but the way they tint literally every scene gives the whole thing a surreal quality akin to the comic book stylization of something like Sin City. Dario Argento is often credited for his artistic eye for employing similar tactics, why shouldn't we extend the same respect to Joe Begos and his black light mini golf White Zombie aesthetic?

Spinning the wheel on killer Santa flicks and landed on this one. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I'd seen it already as they all sorta bleed together. Something about the Santa actor seemed familiar, but nothing about the plot rang any bells. It might have been on in the background at a party sometime, which is exactly what this movie's good for. It's easy to see what's happening regardless of how little you're paying attention, but there's an enthusiastic energy to it that encourages good vibes with with the right company.

For as b grade as any Christmas horror is bound to be, this certainly tried harder and seemed higher budget than I expected. There was way less Fran Drescher than I was hoping for, but she at least delivers a trademark squeal. It's just shy of ironic, while not quite the meta satire of something like Rubber, it still knows it's place and leans into the silliness of the premise any chance it gets. It has one of the most aggressive stereotypes of a Jewish man I think I've seen, and I can't quite tell if it's offensive. Occasionally it drifts a little too far into a throw away b plot, but you're only ever a scene away from another jolly rampage. The violence is a bit PG 13, and nothing gets especially gory, so it might be the most family friendly x-mas slaughter on the market.