Kevin Smith: Silent But Deadly

Kevin Smith: Now I gotta tell you, this is gonna be weird, but I gotta tell you this story to tell you the rest of the story, and at first you're gonna be all judgy and then I'm gonna tell you something and then you'll be like, "Oh, that makes sense." Um, I have a 103-inch television in my bedroom. Uh, that's not the judgy part. Here it comes. It cost 60 thousand fucking bucks. Crazy, right? I didn't fucking buy it. I would never pay 60- Now, you can't be judgy. I would never... I didn't buy it. It was given to me, man. I would never pay $60,000 for a TV. I wouldn't pay $60,000 for anything, unless you could live in it, drive it, or it fucking blew you until the day you die. Like, that's... I got a line and shit like that. No, it was given to us at one point. I had done commercials years ago for Panasonic. And there was a guy named Ed Janda who was, like, the exec at Panasonic who was on set all the time. He loved movies. Sweet fucking dude, man. I've known him for years and stuff. One day, he fucking called me. Been to my house many times. He called me out of the blue and he goes, "Hey, man. We've got this 103-inch fucking television that we're gonna throw out, man. And I remember you've got big, wide walls and huge ceilings in your house." And I was like, "What a weird fucking way to start a conversation. What do all these things have to do with each other, man? Is that all our friendship was to you? Square fucking footage?" Like... And he goes, "No, the reason I bring it together is this TV we're gonna fucking throw out, it's 103 inches, and, fuck, it won't fit in many places. But it'll definitely fit in your house. So if you want it, we're just gonna give it to you for free. Do you want it?" I was like, "Fuck yeah! Give me all your garbage! Yes! Fuck yes!" I was like, "What's wrong with it, man? Was it assembled on an ancient Indian burial ground? Is it cursed?" Like... And he goes, "No, they used it for the Olympics. It was for coverage for the Olympics. So it's not meant for home use. It's basically big graphics TV where they point to like, 'This is what happened,' and shit like that. Problem is it has no speakers. So you'd have to buy speakers." I was like, "I'll buy the fucking speakers, man! For a free 103 fuck the speakers. I'll stand next to it and translate for whoever's watching!" Like... I was like, "Fuck yes, man." So he goes, "Okay, man. Make sure you're gonna be home tomorrow. We can have it delivered." He's going, "You gotta clear your street." And I said, "Why?" He goes, "It comes on an 18-wheeler." I said, "Really?" And he goes, "Yeah. It takes ten people to deliver it." And I said, "Why?" And he goes, "The base alone weighs 2,000 pounds." Oh! -So I was like, "I don't believe this." And they showed up the next day with a giant fucking truck, pulled this thing out the back, it looked like the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Ten fucking people carrying it, man. They were like, "Where do you want it?" I was like, "Second floor, please." I felt bad, but I tipped insanely well. So... Brought 'em up to my bedroom. They're like, "Where's it go?" I said, "Put it right at the foot of our bed, please." And my wife is like, "Are you fucking high?" I was like, "Yes, but that has nothing to do with this. This just makes sense." I was like, "This is where the TV was, look at this big, wide wall. We'll put the fucking TV right there." She goes, "Kevin, there's no room between the bed and the television." I was like, "Yes, there is. Look." She's going, "What the fuck? How are we gonna live like this? How are we gonna sleep?" I was like, "We fucking slept enough, man." I was like, "Look at this thing. This is our god now." Like... So if you're in my bedroom and you're sitting on the edge of my bed and you're tying your shoes, you get up, you go, "One, two..." You're on the fucking TV. So we have this massive TV in my bedroom, and I've never seen Comic Book Men on it. So one night, I said that I wanted to watch it. Like, you know, tried to test the waters. And... and so I told my wife, I was like, "Hey, man, um, I wanna watch Comic Book Men on the big TV tonight for the first time. Like, that's cool, right?" And she goes, "Oh, we don't watch that show in here." And I was like, "I know. I know. You know, which is weird 'cause it pays for everything. But whatever. Like... But tonight's special. It's the end of the fourth season. We just found out we're getting picked up for a fifth season. So I wanna like live tweet the show from in here." Normally, I do it in my office. I watch it on a laptop. I was like, "I'd love to watch it on the big TV. I wanna live tweet, send pictures." And my wife's like, "Why do you need pictures?" And I was like, "I don't wanna tell you 'cause you're gonna fucking make fun of me and shit." And she was like, "You have to tell me 'cause I control the television." So I said, "Okay." I said, "I've never seen my show on the TV, but the TV's fucking big. It's taller than me when I stand next to it." It's 103 inches wide. But it's fucking about six... six-three tall from the ground with the base. I was like, "So when you see people on it, they look life-sized. And I've always wanted to like watch Comic Book Men, and when I came on the screen, pause it... and then go stand next to myself." She goes, "Why?" I'm like, "To take a selfie." You know. And she looked at me with that fucking look of disdain like, "I can't believe I let you stick your fucking dick in me." She goes, "No, you watch that in the office." I was like, "Come on, man. This is fucked up. Don't you think it's fucking crazy that we're fucking this deep into a show that I'm on every episode of and you don't watch it?" And she goes, "Why would I watch it?" And I was like, "I don't know, man. Like, 'cause I'm on the show." And she goes, "Well, it's not like I'm in the Kevin Smith demographic, now am I?" And I said, "You fuck Kevin Smith! If you're not in the demographic, it's in you from time to time!" And she was like, "I could see this really fucking upsets you." I was like, "I think it's fucking weird, man. If you were on a TV show, I would have watched every fucking episode and shit. But you don't watch the show that I'm on." And she goes, "Jesus, Kevin, if I really wanna see you fucking cry about Batman and wear that jersey, I'll look to my left." So that's a long way of fucking saying that like she's over my bullshit. Like, you know. This is her idea of hell. Like being forced to sit there and listen to Kevin Smith. Like, she doesn't understand you people.