Santa Jaws

If you have the opportunity to view this film, please consider roasting your chestnuts on an open fire instead - it will be less painful.

There are movies that are so terribly written, acted and filmed that it's a pure joy to cackle at their absurdity (I'm looking at you, Birdemic, Operation Golden Pheonix, et. Al.) but this one couldn't even make that grade. Whatever laughter surfaced seemed forced and accidental with the exception of the obviously rubber crocodile with vermillion-red blood, props that change size without explanation and terribly tiny turkeys (more on that in a moment).

Featuring dialogue written by one million moneys - obviously high on eggnog, emotionless delivery so bland it makes English cuisine seem flavourful and pacing that allows for ample bathroom breaks between lines for you to hurl your Christmas cookies.

I think we can all accept that this offering only exists as a commercial for the local comic book shop - as our protagonists spend more time there in awkward dialogue than anywhere else. It's here where our plucky heroes stock up on dollar-store Hallowe'en "weapons" to fight our CGI shark - from a flaccid-fire crossbow, plastic spear and mace, to a turkey-tossing-trebuchet fashioned out of the dockside picnic tables.

There are numerous attempts to craft some "catchphrases" all of which fall on their faces about as flat as their delivery. The most memorable of which is "bells on shark tails ring". Yes, you read that right, unfortunately.

I spent 5 hours watching this 1 1/2 hour flick which was one half "Home Alone", one half "Jaws" and one half "Simon In The Land of Chalk Drawings". Yes, that's three halves because the math in this review should match the ridiculous absurdity of the film.

Whomever green-lit this Christmas turd should face a firing line of wooden soldiers. If you ever wondered what happened to the discarded snips of film from the cutting room floor of the Sharknado series - they were swept up and compiled into this holiday train wreck.

The real gift to the cast of this "movie" is that they'll never have to appear in another.

This ridiculous action horror/comedy for the tween set makes the "Sharknado" movies look like Oscar winners. Why are there so many positive reviews for this Jingle Bells trash?

The concept of the film makes it obvious it shouldn't be taken seriously and once that is realized it's actually a fun entertaining film. The acting was pretty good from everyone and the film's lead Reid Miller (Play by Play, A Girl Named Jo) carries the film nicely.

The emotional moments of the film came off as genuine and there's definitely some laugh out loud moments. I actually wouldn't mind a sequel to it (as long as it doesn't go on too long like the Sharknado films) and i'll definitely be adding it to my playlist of Christmas movies this year as well.

If you like cheesy but entertaining movies definitely check this one out!

"Santa Jaws" sounds preposterous, and it is.

But it's also exactly what it needs to be.

The director (Misty Talley) was able to keep this together pretty well instead of sending it straight off the rails, and managed to include the appropriate camp-to-family ratio that makes Christmas movies work. The script was creative. Some of the casting was excellent (Ritchie Montgomery, Haviland Stillwell, Hawn Tran all did great character work here). The result was a movie that is every bit as family-friendly as "The Meg" aspired to be without losing any of the qualities that make the best of the Sy-Fy shark movies work.

Yes, it's still a "bad shark movie". It's as ludicrous as the title suggests, but it still managed to be a really good, really fun "bad shark movie".

7.5/10. Bravo!

Santa Jaws (2018) is a movie I recently watched on Amazon Prime. The storyline follows a high school comic book writer who lives by the ocean who one day receives a magic pen that causes his work to come to life. Wouldnt you know his current work is called "Santa Jaws" and now it isn't safe to go by the water in his town...can the kid and his friends find a way to rid the town of his shark before it kills everyone?

This movie is directed by Misty Talley (Shark Island) and stars Reid Miller (You), Courtney Lauren Cummings (The Collection), Jim Klock (The Underground Railroad), Carrie Lazar (The Magnificent 7) and Scott Allen Perry (Keeping Up with the Jonses).

The storyline for this is actually pretty fun and I liked the comic book aspects in this. The kill scenes are better than you'd expect, sudden and has some jump scare value. There are some scenes where you'll say, "That was a pretty awesome kill scene." The storyline itself is awful; and funny enough, the kids acting is much better than the adults acting, which is consistently awkward and painful.

Overall this movie is as bad as you'd expect but also has more entertainment value for horror enthusiasts than you'd expect. This isn't the worst movie you'll ever see and I actually recommend horror enthusiasts see it once. I'd score this a 4/10.