The Horrible House on the Hill

Five little evil bastards escape a van crash that most assuredly would have killed them had they been normal children. After a little wandering the five find themselves at a remote chalet where three couples and a mentally challenged handyman (try figuring that one out) are spending time in yelling at each other and getting drunk. Sounds like most of my Christmas'. Soon the incompetent adults are dispatched by the little tykes deathtraps that never seem to fail followed by an annoying Pop Goes the Weasel score. Aren't you scared yet? Watch for the catfight when at the end Lovely's robe is only partially open then the next glimpse it is wide open exposing the only things worthy of notice in this film.

What a disaster of a movie! It's not without promise but this could have been done so much better. The editing is so poorly done that it is hard to know who certain people are in the film such as the mystery man that emerges from the van wreck. Was it a clown car for chrissakes? This is rated R and yet the death scenes make me wonder if the director decided to pull back on the gore. The five plus minute slo-mo black and white death scene is so painful to watch it defies belief that the director would stoop to this to extend the runtime. Leif Garrett's hairstyle changes inexplicably from a goofy wig to shoulder length from one scene to another. The children refer to a character twice that is no where to be found such as when David kills Harvey and blames it on this mystery "Greg". How can you be so lax? On top of that the murders are so lame that only an idiot would fall for them and yet this chalet is packed with idiots. One scene in particular has two of the kids drown Lovely in the tub while dropping Piranna fish in. The fact that these kids are exposed to the large breasted Carolyn Stellar to begin with is a little disturbing but the scene is followed with all the "devils" dragging her naked body through the snow. One more juicy tidbit is Carolyn Stellar is the real life mother of Leif Garrett and Dawn Lyn who plays Moe. One of the writers is John Durren who plays Ralph the retarded handyman (I wonder if he wrote this channeling his character?) who in a very cringe inducing scene is sexually harassed by Lovely. I would recommend seeing this once with a bunch of friends and adult libations just to laugh at the sheer silliness of this movie. Aren't "peopletoys" marital aide products?