Professoressa facciamo l'amore

For thirty-three years I'd been jonesing to see THE TEACHER, grindhouse auteur Hikmet Avedis' homage to THE GRADUATE, which somehow eluded me during its original Times Square run. Blessed is the patient schlock film fan, for his forbearance shall be rewarded. Thanks to the miracle of DVD and the munificence of BCI Eclipse, I finally caught up with this much-touted jewel in the Crown International catalog, and am pleased to report that it was all that and a bag of Swavorski rhinestones. Like its contemporary, THE GODFATHER: PART II, THE TEACHER is daring in its narrative structure. Unlike the Coppola film it's also ludicrous in the extreme, but then you can't have everything. Part leering soft-core romp, part tender coming-of-age drama, part stalk-and-chill suspenser, the movie's mismatched ingredients come together to form a blissfully surreal, silly whole.

The cast list alone makes it deserving of enshrinement in the Psychotronic Hall of Fame.

First and foremost, there's top-billed and bottom-perfect Angel Tompkins as a middle schooler's fantasy come to life, the hubba hubba homeroom teacher who just happens to be freshly divorced, hot to trot, and living right down the block. Charming and sensitive, Tompkins gives a performance that goes above and beyond the call of booty. She invests the role with such persuasive passion that one can almost believe her attraction to a most unlikely lust object: Jay North, the actor formerly known as Dennis the Menace, age twenty-two, sporting a double chin, a perpetual smirk, a Little Lord Fauntleroy page boy, and no discernible acting talent. To his credit, North is in the moment and then some during several graphic clinches with Angel.

Mr. Wilson would have been aghast. Or green with envy. I was both.

The call sheet also includes such bizarro world superstars as Med Flory (Worshefski, the bullying football player, in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR) as North's bullying father, Barry "Janos Skorzeny" Atwater as a snoopy sheriff, BURNT OFFERING's Anthony James as a psycho stalker, and in WTF-writ large cameos, Katherine "Mother of John" Cassevetes and Lady "Mother of Gena" Rowlands as a pair of chattering restaurant patrons.

One of the handful of pictures made by Hikmet Avedis, a classifiable low-budget director of not-quite schlock and drive-in flicks, The Teacher is ostensibly about a 28 year old teacher (lovely Angel Tompkins)- the hottie of the town without a husband as he's a drifter/biker somewheres- who bonds with the shy 18 year old former student neighbor (1/2 dimensional Jay North) and start up a passionate affair. This part of the story is basically more or less just a Penthouse letter extended to feature length (and, oddly enough for a drive-in flick, the amount of sex is actually shown to a minimum, above the belt as it were). What makes it just a little bit more interesting, if also insane, is the character Ralph (crazy-eyed Anthony James), who comes off like a 2nd string James Bond villain missing a couple of acting classes.

He's weird and a snoop, with an obsession with Diane holding a torch for her unofficially while also trying to hunt down Sean after the death of his younger brother. It seems stranger still why Ralph would be so distraught over his brother's death when all Ralph seems to do is sit in his warehouse by the harbor, take out a pair of binoculars from his coffin (which comes out of the mysterious hearse he drives around) which also has a rifle. But he's a villain nonetheless, creeping up at pretty much any instance Sean and Diane are out, or even while they're on her boat making love as he creeps up like a Z-grade Aquaman.

If nothing else his ridiculous performance of an even sillier, deranged cat makes it watchable, when all else is just kind of mundane romance (North especially can barely act his way out of a paper bag, at least Tompkins has her sex appeal). It's nothing very special, or memorable, but if the title ever came up in conversation it would be fun to wax poetic about Anthony James as Ralph, or to contemplate the ways it could make a decent self-made MST3K feature.

"The Teacher" has been sitting in my film collection for several years now, as part of the "Drive-In Cult Classics" box, but I was never in a particular hurry to see it. That is until I watched a joyous 80s flick named "They're Playing with Fire" a couple of days ago and learned that it was a remake of this film, and by the same director Howard Avedis. Since the 80s version was so much fun, and simply because I don't like the idea of having seen a remake but not the original, "The Teacher" received some priority.

For the record, though, they are quite different movies. Both do indeed revolve around an incredibly hot female teacher in her late twenties seducing one her clueless senior year students, but that's where the similarity ends. "They're Playing with Fire" has a convoluted plot in which the teacher has a sneaky reason to manipulate her boy-toy, and there's a psychotic killer roaming around. "The Teacher" is much simpler since there's only one pervy stalker. Certain sequences are identical, though, like when the confident teachers ask their shy young lovers to kiss them for the first time. And, it must be underlined, writer/director Avedis has a great talent for casting the ideal cougar-teachers! Angel "my-first-name-is-accurate" Thompson was one of the finest exploitation starlets of the 70s, and Sybil Danning is the ultimate queen of the 80s.

Thompson is also the only real reason to recommend "The Teacher" to fans of exploitation cinema. The story is rather tame, and the amount of action is minimal, hence the highlights include - shallow as it may be - Angel sunbathing topless on a boat, or Angel undressing for the nervous kid. I kept waiting for a twist about why the beautiful woman messes around with her student's feelings, but apparently the script wants us to believe she's genuinely in love with him. That's not exactly ethical of you, Mrs. Marshall, but okay. The sub plots of the accidental death of Sean's friend and the crazy stalker lead nowhere. Apart from staring viciously and popping out of nowhere, Anthony James doesn't have much to do. Let's file this under "watchable but unmemorable".

Oh brother, was this movie cheesy! The soundtrack was especially bad. This is the story of a young high school teacher, Diane, who seduces her neighbor, Sean (Jay North of Denise the menace fame). What's funny is that Sean's mom suspects the two are getting it on and kind of likes the idea while the unreasonable dad doesn't. There are sex scenes and the teacher really is pretty hot but the way those scenes are shot don't even work well which will immediately turn off the viewer who watched this for the erotic scenes. Part of the story involves a friend of Seans' falling to his death. Sean gets blamed for the accident by his friends psychotic brother who happens to have a crush on Diane. This sets up for the inevitable meeting of the three at the end. The acting felt very much like watching an industrial film. I recommend staying away from this one.

Not much to add from the mish mash of reviews. I will give it a shot anyway. First off, I do not think this film was meant to be taken seriously. I sense the irony in having Jay North as the naive teen being seduced by his lovely teacher. Added irony is that Jay North aka Sean and his teacher are being stalked by vet Anthony James aka Ralph. Hmmmm wasn't 'Dennis the Menace' the kid that just would not leave Mr. Wilson alone. Perhaps I am reaching, perhaps not. In any event, the acting did not stand out , except for Anthony James, who I felt was brilliant as the stereotypical psycho vet. For male viewers like myself... You have to love the 'generosity' of Angel Thompkins , showing off her natural assets. This was part of my set and I felt it was better than I expected. As you can see I do not expect much from these bulk movie deals . Worth a watch. I must admit , it was refreshing to see a film go against the tide of PC. I do not think film makers would have much guts to do a film like this today. This was a very average flick and please folks , accept it for what it is. I do think it was meant to be somewhat spoofy.