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Dilbert

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Dogbert: They say only the good die young. If that works both ways, I'm immortal.

Dilbert: What makes you qualified to be a reporter?
Dogbert: I'm willing to to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know.

Wally: Wow. I never knew that little people could be so sexy
Alice: That's disgusting. I can sue you both for making this a hostile work environment
Dilbert: Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.
Alice: He was senseless before I beat him.

Dilmom: Standard Scrabble rules apply: no kicking, biting or slapping. No projectiles of any kind.
Dilbert: Name calling?
Dilmom: Only on your own turn.

[the Garbage Man uses reanimation liquid to bring Ben Franklin back to life]
Garbage Man: It says it removes carpet stains too, but I have my doubts.

Alice: I think I speak for all women capable of reproduction when I say... no.

Dogbert: Remember, the first rule of brainstorming is to openly mock the opinions of others.

Dogbert: I'll bet you twenty bucks that giving doesn't feel good.
Dilbert: You're on my cynical friend.
Dogbert: To settle the bet, give me forty dollars and see if it feels good.
Dilbert: That would NOT feel good.
Dogbert: Then give me twenty dollars because you lost the bet.
Dilbert: Did I just make a bet where I would lose twenty dollars either way?

Pointy-Haired Boss: And remember, money is no object... unless you intend to spend it.

Dilbert: You said you'd wake me up at eight.
Dogbert: I also said women are attracted to men shaped like potatoes.

Pointy-Haired Boss: They say no man faces death wishing he'd spent more time at the office... I guess that makes me the first.

[In a traffic jam]
Dilbert: Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time? Who arbitrarily decided that 8 AM was a good time for everyone to go to work?

[clipping his toenails over a desk drawer that's filled with nail clippings]
Pointy-Haired Boss: Uh-oh, it's almost full. I need a new desk.

Dilbert: Ratbert, where's Dogbert?
Ratbert: He's off somewhere installing a puppet government.
Dilbert: He's always off somewhere installing a puppet government.

Bob Bastard: Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?

Dilbert: Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out.
Dogbert: Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't've done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different.

Dilbert: That's it. I think I've done it.
Dogbert: That's not the word on the street.

Dilbert: What do you think an egg dream means?
Dogbert: Hmm, probably an omen.
Dilbert: A good omen?
Dogbert: How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?
Dilbert: There only has to be one.

Wally: Looks like somebody's not working.

Dilbert: This fantasy has been a profound disappointment.

Panelist on talk show: I have a poison-dart gun, you won't know what hit you.

Asok: Shouldn't we be working?

Dogbert: That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.

Dilmom: Woo. Woo. Yes. In your face, mathboy.

Loud Howard: That doesn't look like the next generation of computing to me.

Pointy-Haired Boss: I don't see anything that could stand in our way.
Dilbert: Sanity? Reality? The laws of physics?

Seven of Nine alarm clock: (beep) Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day.

Pointy-Haired Boss: Everybody down, he's becoming disgruntled.

Wally: Well that has 'alibi' written all over it.

Dilbert: Well I'll be.
Garbageman: Actually, you already are.

Pointy-Haired Boss: Wally, I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA project before the IOC meeting.

Wally: Carpe diem, Dilbert.
Dilbert: 'Seize the day.'
Wally: What?
Dilbert: Carpe diem.
Wally: I think that's a fish.

Alice: Man, she must've blown some smoke up your butt. Did she use a giant fan or just some kind of hose?

Dilbert: Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?
Alice: Of course.

Dilbert: There's nothing wrong with my verbal skills. It only seems that way because my math skills are so high.

Pointy-Haired Boss: Save the technical mumbo-jumbo. I just want to know if it'll work.

Wally: Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?

Dilbert: Do you ever get tired of watching bad things happen to people?
Dogbert: That's crazy talk.

Voicemail system: (phone beeps) You have 937 messages... all of which are marked "urgent".

Elbonian Slavedriver: Get to work, you lazy corpse!

Bear on talk show: Does anybody care that I'm a bear?

Asok: You can use my key to open the box with its teeth.
Dilbert: To open this box I'll need something stronger than a key.
Asok: I once killed a cougar with this key.
[pause]
Asok: It was a really small cougar.
[pause]
Asok: It might have been a potato.

Pointy-Haired Boss: Dillbert! Are you listening?
Dilbert: Of course I am. I've learned how to multi-task.
Loud Howard: But men can't multi-task. Only women can multi-task.

Dilbert: What's wrong with me?
Dogbert: I was going to wait until the second trimester to tell you but you're pregnant with the sperm of a cow, an Amishman
Dilmom: A hilbilly, and a Martian.

Dilbert: [after witnessing Elbonian workers falling into an acid vat] Shouldn't there be a guard rail around that?
Elbonian Slavedriver: [laughing] That's a good one.

Seven of Nine alarm clock: [as Dilbert reaches over to hit the snooze button] Don't touch me!
Dilbert: Then how do I turn you off?
Seven of Nine alarm clock: I am PLENTY turned off right now!
Dilbert: Clock tease.

Alice: I want you to make Asok my assistant.
Catbert: If I made Asok your assistant, it would destroy his tiny ego.
Alice: So you'll do it?
Catbert: I need more than that. Help me help you.
Alice: All right, let's see... it would breed resentment through the entire employee population?
Catbert: Uh-huh... nice... you make a strong case...
Alice: Are you thinking?
Catbert: No, I'm toying with you. Alright, I'll do it... on one condition.
Alice: Name it.
Catbert: I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him.
Alice: Deal!

Dogbert: Nature will take its course.
Dilbert: How long will that take?
Dogbert: Not long. I'm part of nature.

Reporter: What is your opinion of this tragedy?
Anthrax Zombie: My throat is moist, and the raspiness has gone!
[Dies]
Reporter: Back to you!

CEO: This is bad publicity and I demand to know what you intend to do about it!
Promoter: Don't believe everything you've heard from every media outlet.
[Opens a box of Anthrax Throat Lozenges]
Promoter: Try one! Worth a shot...

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