Pam & Tommy Lee: Stolen Honeymoon

"Baby, I gotta be preggos 'cause you were so, far, inside me, that I was like inside out." "Baby, that is one weenis." "Oh, lover, you are so beautiful." All the screenwriters Andy Warhol ever worked with couldn't have come up with the dialogue of this "inadvertent" hardcore travelogue of the Pam and Tommy honeymoon, which is white-trash cretinism boiled down to a post-bakeage minimalism that is genuinely mind-blowing. These may be the two stupidest people ever committed to celluloid. If you ever wondered what a doobie-baked stripper says to her heroin-riddled tattooed deadbeat boyfriend before he passes out on her floor, this will provide some much-needed answers.

If your idea of a good time is watching some druggie rock star bonking a famous Playboy bunny then this "movie" will certainly fulfill you. It is, at least, leagues better than that awful Paris Hilton tape. However, in general, I just have a hard time of finding entertainment in watching two famous people going at it for an hour. Maybe it's just me.

Let's give a rundown of what occurs in this film, though:

• Pamela Anderson has sex with Tommy Lee in a moving car - Pamela Anderson has sex with Tommy Lee on a private boat - Pamela Anderson has sex with Tommy Lee in her private trailer

I'm sure it must have been hard for her to be "cinematographer" while having to perform the sexual acts. I also like how she's credited as "Makeup Artist."

Makeup for what?

Maybe I don't really want to know.

It's hard to review a tape that was never meant for public consumption. Neither Pamela Anderson nor Tommy Lee filmed this with the intent of releasing it to video -- although there are rumors to the opposite.

I rented this during a dull weekend just for curiosity's sake -- thanks to all the media hype. It succeeded in making my weekend even duller.

The gist of the matter is the sex takes up at most five minutes of the tape -- unless you get the truncated R-rated version where it's more like 30 seconds. The rest of the video consists of various home movie material -- the only difference between this and other people's home movies is it features two well-known people. Otherwise it's very dull stuff.

Only a couple of moments stand out as interesting: the extremely poorly shot wedding footage (word to self: never point a video camera at people standing in front of the sun) which had an otherworldly feel to it, and a brief bit shot behind-the-scenes of Anderson's film Barb Wire.

If you're in love with Anderson, you'll probably enjoy the tape. If you're renting this to see two celebrities having sex, you might get what you paid for, but don't expect much. Reportedly a much better "naughty home video" of Anderson exists, showing her having her jollies with Bret Michaels. Unfortunately (or fortunately), Anderson won a court case in the spring of 2001 that prevented this video from being released. Too bad she didn't have the same luck with her Tommy Lee opus.

I have watched this movie many times, and I think, despite the lack of characters and story line, this movie was decently done. I guess the biggest improvement this movie could make was to clean the dirty lens. Half the time the shots were blurry and the camera was shaking around. A major downside of this movie was the lack of emotion. I felt as emotional as I would watching paint dry. For a two-person made movie, however, I feel they did a decent job.

Overall Opinion: If you can find it for a decent price, get it. Otherwise, it isn't worth your time.

A cinematic triumph. Pamela and Tommy Lee's Sex Video, supposedly stolen from the newlyweds' house, is nothing but buoyant fun. Pamela Anderson Lee, the internationally lusted-after Baywatch star, is positively unsinkable as she frolics in the buff off the Lees' Jacuzzi-equipped pleasure cruiser.

Speaking of pleasure cruisers, Tommy's is cinema's real Titanic, although in this case it never founders. (Tommy Lee first made his name -- for what it's worth -- in the brainless 80s teen-rock band Motley Cru. You can certainly see where he got his self-confidence.)

Even Pamela's famously plasticized accessories don't ring a false note. Who's to say what's real; they show up on videotape, right? Besides, there's no faking dialogue like:

Pamela: "Where's my cocktail?"

Tommy: "It's right here, baby." (he pans downward)

It's too bad the happy couple's dissolute pleasures are marred by excessive expressions of love and devotion.

"You're the best f---ing husband in the world!" Pamela squeals.

Other than that bit of sentimentality, this is forty-five minutes worth of premium Americana -- show-biz success enjoyed the way God intended it: in a four-wheel-drive truck, rocking its shocks to pieces in the breakdown lane of the I-5.

(Note: If IMDb doesn't want certain words included in reviews, even when those words are actual quotations from the film, then perhaps IMDb should not include films that contain such nasty words in its database.)