Quest for the Egg Salad

I will say that this movie is probably the best one that has either Teen Ape or Bonejack in it. But before you go ahead and get your hopes up, let me tell you that every other movie they have out (under Low Budget Pictures) is horrible. The absolute worst. So with that in mind let's review this little romp in the woods. Chris Seaver has no talent, so keep that in mind. This film manages to be halfway funny because I have seen it last compared to his other films, which like I said before were horrible, unwatchable and just a bunch of friends getting together with no plot and making inside jokes to each other. The Goblin King is a recycled Filthy Mcnasty that actually works in this movie. Teen Ape is taken away from being one of 3 on screen due to other players, so that helps keep the crap level down. And Chris Seaver plays a dual role so Bonejack is kept at a minimum too. Leaving the rest of the flick to be not so bad. Not great or even good, but not so bad. A little more thought could have went into "sets", at one point the goblin king is on his thrown in which looks like someone's basement (I believe it is a barn though). C'mon guys, at least hide the buckets and crap! And at one point in the woods filming you can see a jogger in the background quite clearly without zooming in. The rest of the cast does a moderate job and the 2 elf girls provide some brief eye candy (they are cute girls). So if you MUST see something from Splatter or Low Budget Pictures, make this the ONE you see. You'll thank me. 1.5 out of 10

The highlight of this film is in the first minutes, where Teen Ape, while getting head from a perky anonymous skank, accidentally ejaculates across the room into the mouth of our narrator, who then proceeds to dribble what looks like skim milk into said skank's eager mouth, in what has to be the worst attempt at faking a "snowballing" scene in film history. Unfortunately, the ape-groupie departs, and things go rapidly downhill from there.

Some of Teen Ape's obnoxious crude sexual commentary would be funny, if it were not so badly mumbled and incoherent. There are a lot of in-jokes and winks, but nothing funnier than what you'd see in a high school annual. The juxtaposition of medieval dialog with pseudo-gangsta hip-hop slang falls flat, and the crass dialog is too tediously delivered to be funny.

One of the great things about truly dreadful movies is that the actors, while dreadful, are somewhat sincere. This cast doesn't suffer from such a misconception however. With a few exceptions, they know they suck, and don't seem to care. The result is more boredom than exploitation.

Bright spots: Anonymous Slattern, Elegant Elliott, the Elf Ho', and the Wandering Swordsman.

Funniest line: "...and my f**king hand turned mortal!"

• The Goblin King

If you're a fan of low-life cinema a la Troma Team, and you expect something similar from this, you'll be disappointed. It's terrible, but not so terrible that it's fun to watch. A good movie to recommend to someone you're mad at.

For reasons unknown to Zenu,people are going into this film thinking:

-It's got a budget and tries to be serious on some small level-

yyeaaahhhh.... *NO*

Look ppl this movie is a f'n joke..............

BUT it never takes itself seriously for ONE SECOND. Chris Seaver knows what he's making, and a schlocky, no budget, laugh-a-minute parody flick is just that. I mean, one character even references the fact that his hand has "turned human", since they obviously lost the goblin fingers prop/hand paint at that point of filming. They also reference cars going by in the basement scene. I mean come on, pretentious and classy this ain't. But they know it and use it to their full advantage.

Maybe I can just relate to their sense of humor, like fake-worshiping celebs, mocking pop-culture, and just being downright obscene just to put a smile on someones face.

And when it gets right down to it, if your watching this movie for ANY OTHER REASON than to be grossed out, roll your eyes and laugh at that silly sort of humor that comes out only when you and your best friends are drunk and stoned in someones basement, than your watching this for all the wrong reasons.

Good times and a good cast make this film a good watch. Chris Seaver turns his attention from Horror/Comedy to Fantasy/Comedy. "Quest" is a good film with solid acting from the likes of Jesse Green, Tim Ekkebus, Seaver himself and all included in the cast...With the exceptions of Elegant Elliott Offen...Scary!!

Chris actually had me sit in on a Fan Commentary track to be released later this year by Tempe. I can't wait for the extras on the disc.

This movie is funny, gross, silly, and a bloody good time. Filled to the brim will all the craziness one expects from LBP!

8 out of 10

this film is the absolute WORST i've ever seen! i've seen some REAL stinkers too like Manos: The Hand of Fate, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Gymkata, Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women, They, War of the Robots, Robot Holocaust, Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy and Hercules in New York, to name a few, but this film is in a league all it's own! i'd previously considered Backwoods to be the absolute most hideous film with no redeeming values until i saw this steaming pile of doo.

i actually LIKE cheesy movies and low budget parodies, but this is no Attack of the Killer Tomatos or Dark Star.

basically, it's just a bunch of the most obnoxious suburban teenage jerks with a camcorder thinking they're funny and making a movie. it's supposed to be a parody of Lord of the Rings, but all it is is those obnoxious punks constantly talking about sex acts (with A lot of very sadistic mysogyny), using ebonics and in general acting like idiots.

this is "toilet humor" taken to it's extreme and is not funny when that's all this cast is capable of. imagine a bunch of suburban junior high students who mouth off to their parents without ever being disciplined and you'll get an idea of the level these talentless morons operate on.

if you think calling women nothing but "b####" constantly and talking about raping them, pouring acid in their eyes and then punching them in the stomach or pretending you're "straight outta da hood" for an hour and a half straight = parody, then watch this movie. otherwise, there's NOTHING else going on in it! it's that one dimensional.