In order to make an Ulli Lommel Special, you will need the following ingredients:
- 10-15 "actors" picked randomly from a variety of high school and community college drama programs (preferably ones dismissed for utter lack of talent)
- 1 part German wooden lead to stumble through English dialogue
- 1 abandoned warehouse to house all sets (police station with blatantly exposed sewage pipes clearly indicating it is shot in boiler room, apartment that looks like Ikea show room, furniture store whose door remains open all times of day despite lack of presence of staff or security team)
- 1/4 gallon of white paint (will not be enough to paint walls within camera range in said warehouse)
- 1 part crew man's accidental and blatant reflection in mirror
- 1 part stolen soundtrack song from THE EXORCIST (to be repeatedly used)
- Multiple parts flashback of fat bald man getting spanked
- 1 part clone of Parker Posey
- 1 part random FIGHT CLUB-ish scene where two men fist fight and fall into strategically placed cardboard boxes while friends and family shout encouragement, only never to be mentioned again
- 2 cameras; one digital that shoots in good quality, one amateur home video camera that is glaring opposite to other camera
- 1/4 teaspoon of black make-up (apply generously; black make-up under eyes will encompass ALL zombie make-up)
- 3 parts lighting equipment to be blatantly captured in shot in every police station scene
- 1 part terribly out of place, unnoticed, non-utilized gong, placed in very fake police station
- 0 parts script supervisor
- 1 part audacity to use MARATHON MAN homage (in nonsensical way)
- 1 part random businessman that waits out in middle of woods to make business deals via cell phone, only to become fodder for zombie girls (who then steal car)
- 1 part mechanic who takes out penis behind door as zombie girls approach
- 1 part hope that you won't realize Uli didn't bother to write out the hero who disappears halfway through the movie due to real-life hospital visit
- 6 parts zombie girls to wear said black make-up under eyes up with no other make-up effects to be seen (except for continuity-be-damned close ups in mirrors)
- Multiple parts suspension of disbelief (cop takes offending woman to warehouse, partner waits outside, cop comes back out sans woman but with giant body-sized duffel bag, partner is not suspicious)
- 1 part completely ludicrous ending
Take all said ingredients and throw haphazardly against wall. Hope it sticks. Take generous portion, swallow with grimace as Ulli Lommel rips money from your pockets, laughs maniacally.
