- Luke Skywalker: Your overconfidence is your weakness.
- Palpatine: Your faith in your friends is yours.
- Luke Skywalker: Not my faith in yo momma...
- Palpatine: What was that?
- Luke Skywalker: I said yo momma's so fat, Jabba the Hutt said DAAAAAMN!
- Palpatine: Well, your mother is so ugly she put the 'ug' in 'ugnaught!'
- Darth Vader: Ohh, yo momma fight!
- [Cut to next scene. Luke and Palpatine are on stage in front of a crowd]
- Luke Skywalker: Yo momma's so stupid, she spent all day saying 'am not' to R2!
- Palpatine: Your mother is so fat, that Ben Kenobi said 'That's no moon, that's yo momma!'
- Luke Skywalker: Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Jar Jar came with pickles pickles!
- Palpatine: Your mother is so stupid she, she thinks, uh, that lightsabres come with fewer calories!
- [Music cuts. Crowd fallls silent]
- Palpatine: You know, cause it's 'lite,' and it's got less calories... and it's good for your body, ummm... anyway that's how stupid your mother is...
- Luke Skywalker: Yo momma's so stupid she went to Bangkok to get a TIE fighter!
- Crowd: Luke wins!
- [Darth Vader throws Palpatine into the reactor core]
- Palpatine: [on the phone with Darth Vader] Vader! How's my favorite Sith?... Whoa whoa whoa... whoa, whoa. Just - slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? Fuck! Oh, fuck! Fuck! FUCK!... Who's "they"?... What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?
- [sighs]
- Palpatine: OK, OK, so who's left?... Are you shitting me?... Well, where are you?... Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal?... Oh, you must smell like... feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon... Oh, oh, oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet!... Do you - do you have ANY idea what this is going to do to my credit?
- [phone beeps, he sighs]
- Palpatine: Hang on, I've got another call.
- [switches line]
- Palpatine: WHAT? I'm very busy right now!... Oh! Oh, well - well, where are they going?... Oh, all right, uh... just get me a turkey club... Um, coleslaw, I guess. I'm not even gonna eat it... Well, what are you getting?... See, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, I'll just stick with that. OK, bye - what?... Oh, uh, Cherry Coke. Thanks.
- [switches line]
- Palpatine: Sorry about that.
- [sighs]
- Palpatine: What?... Oh, oh, "just rebuild it"? Oh, real fucking original. And who's going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?... You got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here, or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about Padama-may or Panda Bear or whatever the hell her name is!...
- [covers receiver]
- Palpatine: Oh, jeez, he's crying!
- [giggles, then into phone]
- Palpatine: Hey, hey, hey, hey. C'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just - just. Look, you know, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now. Death Star blown up by a bunch of fuckin' teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap.
- [makes "jack-off" motion]
- Palpatine: Oh, uh - just get back here. OK. OK. Bye. I... um... I...
- Palpatine: [whispers into phone] I love you, too.
- Darth Vader: Luke... I am your father!
- Luke Skywalker: Noooo! That's impossible!
- Darth Vader: It's true! And Princess Leia is your sister!
- Luke Skywalker: That's... improbable.
- Darth Vader: And the Empire will be defeated by Ewoks!
- Luke Skywalker: That's... highly unlikely...
- Darth Vader: And as a kid, I built C-3PO!
- Luke Skywalker: ...wha?
- [time passes]
- Darth Vader: And you know that all-powerful Force? That's really just microscopic bacteria called Midichlorians!
- Luke Skywalker: [smoking a cigarette] Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm outta here!
- Zuckuss: How do you plan on putting down this rebellion everyone's talking about?
- Palpatine Parody: By shooting it with lightning! That's how I solve all my problems! And then afterwards I shall eat pudding.