Attack of the 50 Foot Woman

Svengoolie: [answering the door] It's Triumph the Insult Comic Dog!

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Yes! Yes! Hello, everyone. My goodness, look at you. Elvira, you have REALLY let yourself go.

Svengoolie: Now wait a minute, I'm not Elvira...

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: My goodness. I know who you are.

Svengoolie: I'm Svengoolie.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I know, I never miss your show. I don't watch it, so I don't miss it.

Svengoolie: Yeah, thank you. I mean, really.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Svengoolie, serious question.

Svengoolie: Yes.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: What do you think your audience will find scarier: Tonight's movie, or the fact that you not only still live with your mother but three times a year, the two of you go camping?

Svengoolie: Will you stop that? That's ridiculous.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I kid. It's a joke.

Svengoolie: I know.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: This man, by the way, he's not really a vampire. But thanks to six failed marriages, he does sleep upside down in a closet.

Svengoolie: That's not true, ladies and gentlemen. I, Triumph, really.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: A wonderful thing about doing this, you've done this since, uh, since 1979, and the wonderful thing about that is, he no longer has to spring for make-up to get his eye sockets to look that way.

[rim shot]

Svengoolie: But that's not really true. Triumph, honestly, where do you come up with this stuff?

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I'm sorry. We all kid. This is a wonderful show, this program has introduced viewers to work that has not seen the light of day, has not even been touched in decades, and by that, I mean Svengoolie's teeth.

[Sven stammers]

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Because he's not sanitary. By the way, you know, this isn't even the original Svengoolie.

Svengoolie: Well no, we know that.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: This is like, uh, this is like the second Darren Stevens.

Svengoolie: [chuckling] What?

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: For you viewers out there...

Svengoolie: You lost your Cheroot again here.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: It's okay. The original Svengoolie, fun fact, was Jerry G. Bishop...

Svengoolie: That's right.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: ...Who was forced to stop doing this in 1979 when, sadly, he came down with an incurable case of self-respect.

Svengoolie: Give him another cigar.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Folks, by the way, folks, the REAL horror show is about ninety minutes from now, when Svengoolie is scouring Chicago transit garbage bins for recyclables.

[rim shot]

Svengoolie: That's not true. I'm at the airport. But really, seriously.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I kid, I kid.

Svengoolie: I know you kid.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: It's okay that you're not the original Svengoolie.

Svengoolie: Thank you.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Another fun fact. Svengoolie was created by Mr. Bishop, who actually quit, he decided to pursue his life-long dream of finally kissing a girl.

[horn honk]

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Look at you. The art always came first.

Svengoolie: That's right.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: "Forget women"...

Svengoolie: Yeah.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: ...He would say. "I need to dress up like a homeless maitre'd and pursue my passion."

[rim shot]